Irrelevant 🙂

River · March 29

My heart hurts so much that I feel angry, I spend all my time trying to make people happy that I feel lonelier than ever before. I’m not living my life I’m just surviving because ending my life is selfish in my world. I’m tired of the constant battle in my head but I can’t tell anyone because I’ll be seen as even more of a disappointment than I already am. I can’t tell anyone in detail what bothers me because that’s being a burden. Nothing I do is good enough for anyone. I grew up knowing everything that went wrong was my fault, born a walking curse. Everyone left me growing up, everyone walked away but I don’t blame them I’ve been trying to run away from myself since I was 11. My brain is going to win and I can’t stop that it is what it is at this point.

I’m not coping….just surviving

shannon_164 · March 29

hey @Rose113 🙂

i’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. i can hear just how much pain you’re in, and i want you to know that you are not alone in this. i know your mind is telling you that you’re a burden or a disappointment, but that’s not the truth, it’s just the weight of everything you’ve been carrying for so long, and i hate that you’ve had to carry so much on your own.

you deserve support, not just to survive but to truly live and feel okay again. i know reaching out feels impossible when you’re convinced people will see you differently, but i promise you, the people who care about you want to know how you’re really feeling. you are not a burden, and your pain is worth talking about.

please, please don’t listen to the voice telling you that you can’t stop this. you can. i know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but this pain is not forever, and you don’t have to go through it alone. we care about you so much, and we are here for you, always. please reach out, you don’t have to fight this battle alone.

so proud of you

Sian321 · March 29

Hey @Rose113 , firstly, thank you so much for sharing this with us.

I really felt a pang in my chest when I read the part of your message where you said, 'I spend all my time trying to make people happy that I feel lonelier than ever before'. That sounds like such a painful paradox Rose - how in trying to connect with others and to help them, there's a part of you perhaps that goes ignored, and it can leave you feeling more lonely and disconnected than ever. And it sounds so sad too for everyone to have left you when growing up. I really felt that too when I read that part of your message. Again, that feels really lonely and scary too maybe - to have been on your own.

The constant battle in your head sounds exhausting to be fighting, esspecially when you're having to do that in private without anyone else really understanding. Because I can hear it feels so vulnerable for other people to see that battle - you're afraid you would dissapoint them

That sounds like a lot of pressure to deal with, Rose. And I can imagine it takes a lot of energy too trying to keep everything bottled up inside so as not to feel like a 'burden' to anyone else. I'd like to assure you that you are not a burden to us. And everything you're feeling is welcome here. Even the parts that feel really heavy or burdensome to you. We really do welcome you here. You're doing so, so well to share.

My brain is going to win and I can’t stop that it is what it is at this point.

I hear you, Rose, and I wonder what you imagine might happen if your brain 'wins' - what would that look like?

River · March 29

Would love to know who cares about me cos I can’t name one single person lol

River · March 29

@Sian321 I hate that I love supporting people, I’m at complete burn out and my lowest yet still I put people first. I’m stuck in this horrid and painful cycle that I just can’t get out of. My self harm is out of control and my head and body just feels so done. People say that I have people who care and people I can go to but I really don’t but I can’t keep saying that till people get it. I have friends but there not friends more like “clients”

I disappoint everyone, either my actions are wrong or anything I say is wrong. Just like opening up, I’ve opened up to people in the past and it’s always offended and upset people and idek what I do wrong. I used to open up to Anna yet I apparently rely on her to much so banned myself so I am well and truly alone lol but it’s all good, I’m always alone hahaha

I am a burden even on here, I’m a burden to everyone. No one wants to deal with me I guess they just HAVE to deal with me yk

shannon_164 · March 29

Rose113 wrote: »

Would love to know who cares about me cos I can’t name one single person lol

i know im technically just a stranger, but i care about you

River · March 29

I watched a clip on instagram that said “if you love someone, your going to loose them”….that hit hard

Sian321 · March 30

Hey @Rose113 , I hear you and it really does sound so hard to feel trapped in this cycle of others depending on you, and not knowing how to create more space for yourself.

While its extreamly hard, the fact that you're acknowledging the way this makes you feel sounds like a positive sign that you are taking even more notice of your own mental health here, and oftentimes that is the first step to things changing.

I wondered if it might feel helpful when you're boundary-setting with these friends to focus the boundary around your own actions - so what you will or won't do if they do not respect the boundary.

I'll share some examples here.....

E.g. rather than saying something like, 'I need you to stop messaging me when you're in a crisis', you could instead try, 'If you continue to message me when you're in a crisis, I will need to turn my phone off so that you can reach out to emergency services instead'.

Or rather than saying, 'I need you to listen to me sometimes also', you could maybe say, 'If our friendship continues to feel one-sided like this, I am going to need to take some space away because its beginning to really impact my mental health'.

Centering the boundary around your own actions allows you to hold onto control of your experience in the situation, and to set a line around what you are and are not willing to tolerate.

I realise at the same time, however, that boundaries can be so tough to set and hold, esspecially when you care about the people you're helping and you are worried about them too! It's not easy at all, and that's so much responsbility for you to hold, Rose, and we're here with you to listen entirely without judgement. You are doing the very best you can right now, and there's so much you're having to deal with.

I disappoint everyone, either my actions are wrong or anything I say is wrong. Just like opening up, I’ve opened up to people in the past and it’s always offended and upset people and idek what I do wrong. I used to open up to Anna yet I apparently rely on her to much so banned myself so I am well and truly alone lol but it’s all good, I’m always alone hahaha

I am a burden even on here, I’m a burden to everyone. No one wants to deal with me I guess they just HAVE to deal with me yk

I hear just how deeply you feel that you are burden, and that sounds so painful and lonely Rose. I also know that me saying, 'you're not a burden to us,' might not feel helpful (even though it is absolutely true), because right now, it might feel so hard to believe. And that is valid.

You are allowed to rely on others - as humans, we are social creatures. It's what we do!

And you are so deserving of the same care that you offer others.

Sending you lightness, Rose, and we're all here for you!

Irrelevant 🙂

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