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Depression creeping up again
PunchThe_Internet
Posts: 13 Settling in
Recently I've been struggling with depression again. I don't have any justifiable reason, mostly for myself, that I should feel less satisfactory than I would like. It's been hard for me to take care of myself and my health properly since I've been having little to no motivation. It makes me feel like I'm gross. I'm trying to keep up on the demands in my life, but I feel like I'm continuing to fall short. I just can't help but feel this sort of impending dread and/or darkness. Maybe it's my anxiety, which is a whole other issue. It feels like I'm slowly sinking back into my depression and I don't know how to stop it. I guess, I feel like I have no control over myself at the moment.
☆ Soren || Please don't hug me
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Comments
i’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. i know how exhausting and overwhelming it can be to feel like you’re sinking, and i want you to know that you’re not alone in this! even if it feels like you don’t have a “justifiable reason” to feel this way, your feelings are still completely valid. you don’t need to earn the right to struggle, it just happens sometimes, and that’s ok.
i know it’s hard, but you are not gross, and you are not failing. depression lies to us like that, but i promise that you are so much more than what it’s making you feel right now.
you are such an important person and we all care about you - you’ve got this
Thank you. What you mentioned about "you don't need to earn the right to struggle" resonated with me and had me thinking.
I think I often have the mentality of "action and consequence" I would call it. Like in order for me to deserve something, good or bad, I have to have acted accordingly. And when I do, I therefore deserve it. Almost as if my feelings are a consequence of an action instead of my emotions only being a messenger.
My point in all of this is that I tend to think I need to have a reason to feel a certain way, otherwise it's illogical or invalid since it's "for no reason." I understand that this is not true, but it's difficult to quit thinking patterns I've probably done for years by now. The result is me believing I shouldn't be feeling the way I do, since there's no apparent cause in my mind.
As a positive, I took a shower. I often feel gross because I don't maintain my hygiene sometimes. Compared to my past habits, I haven't been taking care of myself as well as I have before. Right now, I'm trying to maintain where I am right now both mentally and environmentally. I think I'm doing alright, I'm just tired all around.
i totally get what you mean. that “action and consequence” mindset is such a hard one to unlearn, especially when you’ve been thinking that way for so long, but i want to remind you again, your feelings are always valid, even if there’s no clear reason for them. emotions don’t always have a neat cause and effect relationship, and that doesn’t make them any less real or important.
i am really proud of you for taking that shower. i know how tough even small things can feel sometimes, and the fact that you’re trying to maintain where you are, mentally and environmentally, is a huge deal. it is ok to be tired, and it is ok to take things at your own pace. you are doing more than you give yourself credit for!
keep being kind to yourself, even when it feels unnatural, you deserve that kindness just as much as anyone else! we’re always here for you