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I need advice
user123
Posts: 25 Boards Initiate
I’m really anxious about a situation. My now bf of 7 months kissed a girl when we were just talking, and not together yet or been on a date. My sister recently found out and wasn’t pleased about it. I’m really worried she now has a bad opinion of him. She said she didn’t like it. She’s told me she has trust issues and that it wouldn’t have worked for her because of it. She also said I’m discrediting her being cheated on by making a big deal out of this. She said that I’m lucky essentially. What do I make of all of this? I’m just so distressed she doesn’t like my bf anymore and can’t move on. Everyone’s worn out and doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. I can’t seem to move on. Does anyone have any advice?
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Comments
that sounds like such a stressful situation, and i can see why it’s been weighing on you. it makes sense that your sister’s reaction would make you feel anxious, especially since you care about both her and your boyfriend. it seems like she’s projecting her own experiences onto your situation, which isn’t really fair to you. what happened between your boyfriend and that girl was before you two were even together, so it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s untrustworthy now.
it’s understandable that she has trust issues because of what she’s been through, but that doesn’t mean your situation is the same as hers. you’re allowed to feel however you feel about it, and it’s okay if your perspective is different from hers. it doesn’t mean you’re discrediting her experience, it just means you see this in a different light, which is valid.
as for moving on, it might help to remind yourself that your relationship is about you and your boyfriend, not about how others feel about it. it’s hard when someone close to you doesn’t approve, but as long as you are happy with him and trust him, that’s what really matters. your sister might need time to process, but hopefully, with time, she’ll see that your relationship is strong and that this isn’t something that defines him.
if talking about it hasn’t helped and everyone’s feeling worn out, maybe taking a step back from the conversation for a bit could give you some clarity? sometimes when we overthink something, it feels bigger than it actually is.
you’re not alone in this - we are all here for you
Do you think from a normal person’s perspective that my bf did nothing wrong as he was single and could do what he wanted and was not committed to me yet? I want to understand is that the norm? My sister’s views are maybe tainted because of her trust issues.
I don’t want this to be a long term problem I want my sister and my boyfriend to be close. My sisters views took pictures of me and my boyfriend the other day and she was singing karaoke with us. Would this suggest everything is okay? Could I be making the situation worse than it is? Should I take this at face value? Is this a worry problem or is this something I should be worried about?
it sounds like you’re really trying to navigate this situation with a lot of thoughtfulness, and i can see how much you care about both your sister and your boyfriend. from what you’ve said, it does seem like your sister is making an effort, taking pictures of you two and singing karaoke together suggests that, at least outwardly, she’s engaging with him and not completely shutting him out - that seems like a positive sign!
as for whether your boyfriend did anything wrong, from a general perspective, if he was single and not committed to you yet, then technically, he had the freedom to do what he wanted. ghat said, emotions don’t always work in strict “right” or “wrong” terms, your sister might feel protective of you, and her own past experiences could be shaping her views. that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s right, but it might explain why she’s feeling the way she does.
it’s great that you’re trying to take a step back. sometimes, when we overanalyse a situation, we unintentionally make it feel bigger than it is. if your sister is still interacting with your boyfriend in a friendly way, that could mean she’s not holding onto as much resentment as you fear, and maybe it’s something that will just take time rather than being an actual long term issue?
i would say trust what you see rather than what you’re afraid might happen. if your sister was completely shutting him out, that would be one thing, but if she’s engaging with him and not actively causing tension, it might be ok to take things at face value for now. keep an open mind, give it time, and if anything truly concerning comes up, you can always address it then.
you’re doing so well to deal with all this, i’m proud of you
What I'm hearing is that despite trying to take a step back and to talk to your therapist (which sounds so positive), you still have a lingering sense that there is a problem and that your sister fundamentally dislikes your boyfriend. Have I understood that right?
I hear you, and that sounds really upsetting because you really want your sister and your boyfriend to be close. From what you've described about how the three of you were singing karaoke, it sounds as though your sister is still able to really enjoy spending time with you and your boyfriend, and you can all have fun together?
I wonder what upsets you the most about the fear that your sister might not like your boyfriend? What would that mean for you and your boyfriend's relationship, or your relationship with your sister maybe? What is the fear that feels hardest to let go?
I hear you asking about what the 'norm' opinion is too about what happened between your boyfriend and the girl before the two of you started dating, but I suppose what is deemed normal will differ from person to person because people's boundaries will be different. What do you personally think? When you think back to what happened with your boyfriend and the girl, how does that make you feel? From where I'm standing, there is no judgement at all, and if you are feeling safe, comfy, and happy with your boyfriend, you deserve to be able to experience and enjoy that
I will share below some spaces too that you can recieve further support with these anxious feelings if you wish to:
There is a free mobile app called Catch which is a joint project between the Universities of Liverpool and Manchester, to help users better understand their moods through use of an ongoing diary. It uses CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) techniques to help users manage negative thoughts. You can get it on the App Store (Apple) or Google Play (Android). You can find out more here https://www.liverpool.ac.uk/csd/app-directory/catch-it/
MindShift CBT is a free app designed to help teens and young adults cope with anxiety. It uses scientifically proven strategies based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to help you learn to relax and be mindful, develop more effective ways of thinking, and use active steps to take charge of your anxiety. It can help you to manage worry, panic, conflict, ordinary anxiety, and three specialized categories of anxiety: test anxiety, social anxiety, and perfectionism. It also contains relaxation exercises. They have a new feature, the Community forum, which enables you to find and offer peer-to-peer support. The app is available for download from Google Play the and Apple app store. For more information and to download the app go to https://www.anxietycanada.com/resources/mindshift-cbt/
We're listening @user123 , and please know its okay for this to take time too. We're here with you!