If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
TW:ED Physical health appointment
Lottie5433
Posts: 591 Incredible Poster
Since being under the eating disorders team I have been seeing them semi regularly for physical monitoring.
I haven't seen nurse J for these for almost 4 weeks now as ive been avoiding going and saying im working even if im not. However I now have an appointment with nurse J on Wednesday at 11am.
Part of me doesn't want to turn up becuase i don't want to be questioned about anything (particularly my SH, SI and purging behaviours) - like ive gone 4 weeks and not had any issues. I mainly see Nurse J to monitor the physical side effects of my eating disorder and to make sure I'm not doing any permanent damage to my body; i go for bloods, blood pressure standing and sitting, weight and then I have my pulse and oxygen saturation checked. I get why they want to continue monitoring it because due to my behaviours it leads to the levels of potassium in my blood to go below range - which apparently is bad coz it causes damage to my heart then.
She's just going to ask if ive had any symptoms like, palpitation, dizziness, feeling faint, muscle aches, feeling lethargic, episodes of passing out.
I know I should probably tell her i have done but I dont want to worry her, but also if my bloods are normal then what's the harm if I experience these.
Don't get me wrong I like seeing Nurse J, she's really nice and we just have nice conversations usually during the appoitment and she likes to know how im doing at work and things like that. But also when I saw her in January even though she's not like MH trained she saw that I wasn't okay based on the level of SH I had and we just ended up talking about that, what caused it, my safety and if I had a safety plan etc. From that day she now constantly check on me with is during the appoitment but sometimes I dont want to discuss it because i don't want her to feed anything back to the MH team lile she did in January. This is another reason I don't really want to go.
There is also the travel time for it, like depending on the hospital she's in that day it's either a 40minute drive or a 20minute drive - which just gets annoying when it becomes a weekly thing i have to do.
I thought being discharged and having 2 normal sets of blood results would mean I wouldn't have to see them anymore. It's just annoying. Taking time out of my day where I could be working just to go and have bloods done really, when I could just have them at my GP surgery.
I also dont want to go becuase i might need to have an ECG again as It's on my record to have another one - but I dont want it. I find then so awkward just coz they can kinda see all my scars i have and I'm self-conscious about them.
There's also the fact that where this appointment is, it's there designated MH unit, where the doors hard locked behind you and you have to be buzzed out. This whole idea makes me super anxious coz what if she doesn't let me leave coz she doesnt think im safe or anything like that.
Since writing this im strongly leaning towards the idea of not going. It's not going to make a difference if I do or don't go.
I feel so torn about going
I dont know what to do
Id rather go to work than to this appoitment
I dont want my ED anymore
Maybe if I hit the goal my ED will be satisfied and will leave me alone
I dont want to be mentally ill anymore
Wish my ED wasn't found- i was fine for almost 12 years (apart from the occassional fainting episode I'd have)
This probably makes little to no sense. I just needed to rant about all this
Thanks for reading
I haven't seen nurse J for these for almost 4 weeks now as ive been avoiding going and saying im working even if im not. However I now have an appointment with nurse J on Wednesday at 11am.
Part of me doesn't want to turn up becuase i don't want to be questioned about anything (particularly my SH, SI and purging behaviours) - like ive gone 4 weeks and not had any issues. I mainly see Nurse J to monitor the physical side effects of my eating disorder and to make sure I'm not doing any permanent damage to my body; i go for bloods, blood pressure standing and sitting, weight and then I have my pulse and oxygen saturation checked. I get why they want to continue monitoring it because due to my behaviours it leads to the levels of potassium in my blood to go below range - which apparently is bad coz it causes damage to my heart then.
She's just going to ask if ive had any symptoms like, palpitation, dizziness, feeling faint, muscle aches, feeling lethargic, episodes of passing out.
I know I should probably tell her i have done but I dont want to worry her, but also if my bloods are normal then what's the harm if I experience these.
Don't get me wrong I like seeing Nurse J, she's really nice and we just have nice conversations usually during the appoitment and she likes to know how im doing at work and things like that. But also when I saw her in January even though she's not like MH trained she saw that I wasn't okay based on the level of SH I had and we just ended up talking about that, what caused it, my safety and if I had a safety plan etc. From that day she now constantly check on me with is during the appoitment but sometimes I dont want to discuss it because i don't want her to feed anything back to the MH team lile she did in January. This is another reason I don't really want to go.
There is also the travel time for it, like depending on the hospital she's in that day it's either a 40minute drive or a 20minute drive - which just gets annoying when it becomes a weekly thing i have to do.
I thought being discharged and having 2 normal sets of blood results would mean I wouldn't have to see them anymore. It's just annoying. Taking time out of my day where I could be working just to go and have bloods done really, when I could just have them at my GP surgery.
I also dont want to go becuase i might need to have an ECG again as It's on my record to have another one - but I dont want it. I find then so awkward just coz they can kinda see all my scars i have and I'm self-conscious about them.
There's also the fact that where this appointment is, it's there designated MH unit, where the doors hard locked behind you and you have to be buzzed out. This whole idea makes me super anxious coz what if she doesn't let me leave coz she doesnt think im safe or anything like that.
Since writing this im strongly leaning towards the idea of not going. It's not going to make a difference if I do or don't go.
- if I don't go, I won't find out if my potassium is low and won't have to take discusting medication for it
- if i do go its just going to cause alot of anxiety and worry about the outcome and potentially having more appointments
- if I do go I can see if Nurse J will write me a letter to say im well enough to go to Camp America as ICMHT haven't done this for me yet.
- if I don't go she might contact MH team and say she's worried.
- if she is worried MH team might phone me or get someone to come see me - especially if theyve read the notes from my last wellbeing call
- if i dont go she might phone me to find out where i am or why i didnt go
I feel so torn about going
I dont know what to do
Id rather go to work than to this appoitment
I dont want my ED anymore
Maybe if I hit the goal my ED will be satisfied and will leave me alone
I dont want to be mentally ill anymore
Wish my ED wasn't found- i was fine for almost 12 years (apart from the occassional fainting episode I'd have)
This probably makes little to no sense. I just needed to rant about all this
Thanks for reading
Post edited by TheMix on
Tagged:
2
Comments
that makes total sense, and i’m really glad you felt able to get it all out. i know this appointment feels like a massive weight hanging over you, and i completely understand why you’re torn about going. it’s frustrating when it feels like you’ve been managing things in your own way, and then external expectations, like physical monitoring, make it all feel more real and inescapable.
it sounds like you already know, deep down, that this monitoring is important for your health, even if it’s frustrating, intrusive, and anxiety-inducing. i get why it feels pointless, if your bloods are normal, then what’s the harm? but also, if they’re not normal, that’s information you deserve to have. your body is still affected by all of this, even if you don’t necessarily feel like it should be a big deal, and even though the idea of needing potassium supplements or an ecg makes you uncomfortable, it’s often better to deal with it now than for things to get worse without you realising.
i hear you about the emotional side of it too. nurse j sounds like someone who genuinely cares, and i get why that’s both comforting and intimidating at the same time. it makes sense that you don’t want to open up about things like sh or si, especially if you worry it’ll lead to more intervention from the mh team, but at the same time, she’s clearly picked up on when things aren’t great, even without you saying much, so avoiding the appointment might not actually stop that from happening, it might just make her more worried and more likely to follow up in a way that feels even more out of your control.
the travel and time commitment is another completely valid frustration. having to drive 40 minutes just to get bloods done when you could theoretically do them at your gp surgery does sound like a hassle, but at the same time, it seems like part of the reason they want to see you in this setting is because they’re monitoring more than just your bloods. i know it feels frustrating that discharge didn’t mean the end of these appointments, but your team wouldn’t still be calling you in unless they genuinely thought it was necessary.
i also get why the locked doors at the mh unit make you anxious, feeling like your freedom could be taken away, even for a short time, is a terrifying thought, but realistically, unless you give them a reason to think you’re in immediate danger, they aren’t going to hold you there.
from what you’ve written, i can see why avoiding the appointment feels like the easier option, but i also see a lot of reasons why going might be the better choice. you mentioned needing a letter for camp america, if nurse j could help with that, it’s a real tangible benefit that could make going feel more worthwhile. you also pointed out that if you don’t go, it might actually lead to more follow-up from the mh team, which could end up being even more stressful in the long run.
i know this doesn’t make the decision any easier, but whatever you choose, just know that you’re not alone in this. you don’t have to be ok with everything that’s happening, and you don’t have to want the support in order for it to still be valuable. i just hope you’re able to be kind to yourself in whatever you decide.
im so so proud of you - we’re always here for you
Hey..
Good to hear bavk from you @Lottie5433 .
I so hear you when you say you don't wat to go and I can really understand why. It can be fistrating having to take time out to go further for something that can be done at a place nearer for you and you are missing work because of that! Same.. I miss a whole day work just because of an appt or because I'm working at my other place in the evening but its just the way it us. Can you spela to nurse J and see if you can do it at your GP's
You do matter and deserve support. I know why you don't want to go and uts hard to like answer the questions about self harm etc and you worry about them bringing it up, but it seems like you have a good relationship with them and therefore its prob easier to talk to her about it. @Lottie5433 while I hear everything your saying, I can also hear you want to get better and part of this journey involves talking about how your feeling (which is personal) and it's good to do this with someone you've already established at relationship with nurse J.
Please be honest with her and tell the symptoms your having! I know it's hard but she's there to help.
You worry about veing let out, she'd work on your safety plan. I'm preety sure she'll let you out like normal unless if she was genuinely concerned about your safety and felt you had a plan established.
Shannon - I guess i know the appointment is beneficial to go as it will pick up on problems earlier on, it just i dont want to know if im damaging my body more and I dont want any more medication.
I guess she has picked up on when things aren't so good, its the fear that i go today shes going to say stuff about my SH or ask about my SI and id rather not talk about it anymore than I have. Like ive relapsed and I dont really want her to know but she'll probs see it anyway 😕. I guess that true that as long as im not in immediate danger she can't make me stay its just a fear I have coz its been mentioned before about it by a different nurse.
Getting Nurse J to sign my letter for camp America is a huge benefit but in the back of my head I dont think ill be going this year anyway. Im still going to ask her for it in hopes it still goes ahead. Thank you i needed that 😊❤️
Invisible_me - It is frustrating having to go further for these appointments but they only do it coz they get result quicker and my GP practice is terrible at forwarding on information/results to the ED team. Luckily enough i had already booked today off work so didnt miss out on any work but usually I have to.
I di have a good relationship with her and i dont mind seeing her. I do want to get better but I dont think thats ever going to happen and I dont like talking about how I feel to people even if it means i get help/support.
I'll try to be honest with her, but if I am it might mean more appointments or she might feed it back to the rest of the ED team or my old therapist as hes doing wellbeing calls and I dont really want that. It also might mean she does more test today and I just want to be in and out and just forget about having an ED.
I guess that true that as long as im not in immediate danger she can't make me stay its just a fear I have coz its been mentioned before about it by a different nurse.
Thank you @shannon_164 and @Invisible_me I really appreciate your kind words and support ❤️
I really heard you at the end of your message when you said:
I hear that frustration so loudly. The desire for your ED to finally get off your back and stop demanding so much from you all the time. It's relentless and never satisfied. But at the same time, a parts of you also wishes that no one else ever recognised you were struggling in the first place so that you didn't have to have so many eyes on you monitoring you. It sounds so conflicting, Lottie, and tiring too. What's this week been like for you in that way?
I hear that letting other people in feels extreamly hard sometimes, esspecially when things escalate and they get worried. I can see how sometimes these moments might feel like things are getting worse, because more people are getting involved and sharing opinions about what you're going through. I can imagine that feeling overwhelming. But at the same time, what I'm hearing you say is that the struggle has been there all along (to the point of regularly fainting), even before other people saw. It's been something you've had to cope with for so many years, and even while it's scary, you deserve to not have to carry all of this on your own, and to feel genuinely heard, considered, and listened to in the kinds of support you're being offered by your mental health team. I don't think the bravery of letting other people in can ever be understated. That trust can be exceptionally hard. Esspecially if we've been mistreated in the past. and it sounds like step-by-step you have found moments of being able to talk with Nurse J, a little more each time - some days more than others. and that is okay. That journey doesn't have to be linear to matter
We're here for you as a Community, and you're doing so, so well to continue using this space to connect, find positive distraction, and speak out!
Umm to be honest I've been avoiding going to MH appoitments - like i did end up seeing Nurse J on the 12th for these tests and so far I don't need to go back again 🙌 (probs see her or Nurse T in another t weeks)
In terms of this week with everything things are still kinda going downhill but not enough for it to effect like my bloods or anything.
Trust is really hard for my - just because of past experiences and traumas make it harder for me to open up, even when I know i should or can in front of professionals etc.
To be honest since leaving uni I have really found anyone I could trust or open up to miss the support of S and M - even if M did tell my parents things 😢 . However the first couple times I saw Nurse J I felt I could talk to her, so that's when I kinda opened up a bit during one of the appointments about my sh/si. Still to this day I wish I didn't and just told her everything was fine but i know she did everything out of worry/concern - as she's verbally expressed this too me - but also she did let me know what she would do and if i wanted it to happen.
Thanks for the comment @Sian321 ❤️