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I’m very likely wrong about having BPD and I’m sorry.
bignosegirly0
Posts: 219 Trailblazer
I’m someone who’s been trying forever to find an answer about what’s wrong with me. And because of my intense emotional issues, I suspected I may have BPD (specifically petulant BPD) since I related to a few symptoms. But I feel I may be wrong.
I don’t have a fear of abandonment because I don’t have a close relationship with most people. The only people I’m closed to is family members. I keep to myself to prevent emotionally hurting myself or others. And even when I am getting closer to someone, I already know that one day, they’ll finally know truth and realise that I’m a horrible person. And then they’ll leave it.
I don’t have an unstable sense of my identity. All I see myself as is an ugly, worthless, bitter and horrible person who will forever remain unlovable. It’s very black and white thinking.
I’ve had many bad experiences, but I don’t have trauma. Throughout my teen hood, I was bullied for being unattractive and autistic, struggled to make friends and dealt with suicidal thoughts and self harm. And I mostly dealt with these issues alone because when I spoke out about my mental health issues, I would get belittled and guilt tripped by my family. Regardless, I wouldn’t describe it as trauma when others have been through so much worse.
Not to mention, BPD is very rare, so that makes it more unlikely that I have it.
After I finish this post, I will delete a previous post which includes the title BPD rage, because it’s very unlikely I have it.
I am really sorry.
I do believe I do have some underlying mental health issue. I do think it’s not my autism. But it’s something I have to do more research on whilst I’m on the waiting list to receive therapy.
I don’t have a fear of abandonment because I don’t have a close relationship with most people. The only people I’m closed to is family members. I keep to myself to prevent emotionally hurting myself or others. And even when I am getting closer to someone, I already know that one day, they’ll finally know truth and realise that I’m a horrible person. And then they’ll leave it.
I don’t have an unstable sense of my identity. All I see myself as is an ugly, worthless, bitter and horrible person who will forever remain unlovable. It’s very black and white thinking.
I’ve had many bad experiences, but I don’t have trauma. Throughout my teen hood, I was bullied for being unattractive and autistic, struggled to make friends and dealt with suicidal thoughts and self harm. And I mostly dealt with these issues alone because when I spoke out about my mental health issues, I would get belittled and guilt tripped by my family. Regardless, I wouldn’t describe it as trauma when others have been through so much worse.
Not to mention, BPD is very rare, so that makes it more unlikely that I have it.
After I finish this post, I will delete a previous post which includes the title BPD rage, because it’s very unlikely I have it.
I am really sorry.
I do believe I do have some underlying mental health issue. I do think it’s not my autism. But it’s something I have to do more research on whilst I’m on the waiting list to receive therapy.
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Comments
you don’t need to apologise for any of this. you’re trying to figure things out, and that’s completely valid. it sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot for a long time, mostly on your own, and that’s incredibly tough. whether or not a specific label fits, your feelings and struggles are real, and they matter.
i know you said you don’t see yourself as having trauma, but being bullied, feeling isolated, and having your struggles dismissed by family, those are painful experiences that leave a mark. you don’t have to compare what you’ve been through to others to validate your own pain. it’s enough that it hurt you.
i really hope therapy helps you find the answers and support you deserve. you’re not a horrible person, even if your mind tells you that sometimes. i know it’s hard to believe anything different, but i promise you, you’re not unlovable or worthless. you’re just someone trying to navigate really difficult emotions, and that doesn’t make you bad, it makes you human.
you’re not alone in this, and i’m really glad you’re still looking for answers instead of giving up on yourself. you deserve understanding and support, and i hope you keep reaching out.
you’ve got this, i believe in you