(TW suicide) I wanna die so badly

bignosegirly0 · February 21

I’m not gonna act on my urges because I’m a pussy who’s worried about failing.

But dear god, I just want to die. I’ve been struggling to sleep for the past few days and been feeling so damn depressed. There’s obviously moments where I feel good. But it doesn’t last for long.

I’m on a waiting list to receive CBT therapy which takes months.

I don’t know what to fucking do. I just feel like an emotional wreck who’s hanging by a thread. I just want to die so fucking badly. I wish I was never born. I’m a fucking burden to others and myself. I just wish I could end my life.

But I know no one is gonna help me. Why would they after all of the stupid shit I’ve done. I’m the one who needs to help myself. But I don’t know how.

I don’t know how to help myself when all the shit I’m depressed on is true. It’s not made up by my low self esteem. It’s based on real experiences that proves my point, making me extremely depressed on a daily basis.

It’s true that I’ll never find love due to my appearance. Many men, (even til this day), has joked about it. If I still have men treating me the way that they’ve treated me since I was a child, I think it says something about me. I’m truly unlovable. And I’ll remain unlovable for the rest of my life.

I am doomed to a life of loneliness. No amount of therapy will change that. By the time I reach my fifties, I’m gonna be waking up next to nobody, and falling asleep next to nobody.

I desperately want to be comforted. I know it won’t change the fact that I’ll never experience love, but I’m on the verge of tears as I’m making this post. I desperately want to just cry in somebody’s arms, because I feel so damn fragile.

But I can’t because I’m at work. I’m gonna be 21 this year for fuck sake. And I’m still an emotional little bitch who hasn’t got her shit together. I just want to end it all.

I wish I had the courage to actually end my life. But I’m worried about how it will affect my family. I have no future ahead of me. This is just my life. I can’t do anything about it. I am permanently fucked.

And nobody is coming to help me. I’m scared that as soon as I walk into my shift. I’m just gonna break down and everyone, even managers will get mad at me, because “for fuck sake. She’s always in tears.”

I hate being alive. I hate being stuck in this disgusting body. I hate being autistic. I hate being overly emotional. I hate being rock bottom and unable to climb out of it. I hate how there’s no one in the real world for me to vent to. I hate how I’m practically alone. I hate it.

I just want to experience love so fucking badly. I want to know what it’s like to be yearned by someone, to be cherished, to be adored, to be treasured. But I never will get to experience that privilege.

eylah · February 21

i hear how not finding love is playing on your suicidal thoughts but remember the right person is out there for you but im sry to hear how suicidal you are. pls reach out to helplines if you need help as id hate for you to become unsafe bc i care abt you and your safety.

here are some helplines

shout - 85258
samaritans 116123
papryus ( hopelineuk ) 08000684141
or you can call 111 option 2 for your local crisis team. and of course 999 in a emergency.

Sian321 · February 21

Hey @bignosegirly0 , how are you doing this morning? Thank you for your trust in sharing this post and for being so vulnerable with us. I could really, really feel you when you say that you were on the verge of tears typing these words

There's so much pain right now, and you're craving comfort so, so badly. The thought of growing older without romantic love feels totally helpless sometimes and cruel, and it makes you want to die. I hear you. Things are serious and overwhelming right now. Waiting for your therapy to start feels unbearable at times, and in the meantime, you're having to cope with so much on your own.

Thinking about today, I wonder what you feel you need the most these next few hours to ride this wave of strong emotions safely? Perhaps right now you really need to cry. Or to write more posts / DM us to get your feelings down and off your chest. Or to scream into a pillow. Or maybe you're wanting to contact a Helpline for more 1:1, immediate support?

We're all here for you, @bignosegirly0 , as Community members, mods, and staff. I hear you saying that right now you feel so, so alone in your day-to-day life and afraid that if your managers see you crying again they might get angry. That sounds really lonely and exhausting - to have to keep this bottled up inside. It's so positive that you have reached out to get on the CBT waiting list. That sounds like such a caring thing to do for yourself. Would there be anyone else in your life (including people such as a GP) who you might wish to talk to more about how you're feeling? I wonder if your GP gave you any sense of support available while you wait for CBT? I hear it can be so scary to fear other people getting frustrated with you, but it sounds like you're suffering so much right now, and you deserve support.

Keep us posted where you can. We're here and we're listening

Sian321 · February 21

@bignosegirly0 if helpful, I will share some more links here so you have them to hand

Some Helplines for more immediate, 1:1 support.....

Crisis support with a texting/webchat option.....

CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) is a suicide prevention charity on a mission to help people end their misery, not their lives. They provide life-saving services, information and advice to help anyone struggling with life navigate the issues that can make us feel miserable. They can offer practical ways to manage your mental health, and help you feel less alone by sharing stories of hope to show people there's a way forward. They have a helpline open everyday 5pm-midnight. You can call them on 0800 585858, Whatsapp them on +44 20 4587 6634, or use the webchat on their website. For more information you can go to www.thecalmzone.net.

Papyrus is a confidential support and advice service for children and young people under the age of 35 who are experiencing thoughts of suicide, or anyone concerned that a young person could be thinking about suicide. The helpline number is 0800 068 4141. You can also text them on 077862 09697, email pat@papyrus-uk.org or go to www.papyrus-uk.org The helpline is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week, including Bank Holidays.

The Mix's Crisis Messenger text service provides free, 24/7 crisis support across the UK. If you’re aged 25 or under, and are experiencing a personal crisis, are unable to cope and need support, you can text THEMIX to 85258. Their trained volunteer will introduce themselves, reflect on what you’ve said, and invite you to share at your own pace. You’ll text back and forth, only sharing what you feel comfortable with. They can deal issues such as Suicidal thoughts, abuse or assault, self-harm, bullying, relationship breakdown. You can find out more about it at https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team/crisis-messenger

Crisis support via telephone call if you'd like to hear someone's voice....

The National Suicide Prevention Helpline supports anyone 18+ who is experiencing thoughts of suicide. They are there to provide support and listen to your feelings. Their lines are open everyday from 6pm until midnight, offering a safe haven for anyone who needs someone to talk to. You can call them on 0800 689 5652 or 0800 689 0880. To find out more information go to https://www.spuk.org.uk/national-suicide-prevention-helpline-uk/

Samaritans are there for you 24/7. They offer a listening service and emotional support to anyone about any issue, with a special focus on suicidal feelings. You can call the helpline for free on 116 123 or email at jo@samaritans.org. You can also write them a letter and you can find details on their website. Some of their branches offer face to face services and you can find your local branch on their website. For more information you can go to www.samaritans.org

Self-Support / Apps...... -
There is an NHS-approved app called Stay Alive which is a suicide prevention resource full of information and tools to help you say safe in a crisis. This can be used if you are having thoughts of suicide, or if you are concerned about someone else's thoughts. The app also links directly to local and national crisis resources. You can download the app from the Apple and Android app stores, and find more information by going to https://www.stayalive.app/

There's a free mobile app called distrACT, it's available on the App Store (Apple) and Google Play (Android). The app gives you easy, quick, and discreet access to information and advice about self-harm and suicidal thoughts. The content has been created by doctors and experts in self-harming and suicide prevention. You can find out more here https://www.expertselfcare.com/distract/

Design your own personalised safety plan - Staying Safe is an organisation that is designed to help you stay safe from suicidal thoughts but they are unable to provide individual support or advice. You can use the tool on their website to create your own safety plan as a way to keep you safe from your suicidal thoughts. This includes ways of getting you through how you are feeling and ways you can make your situation safer. To help keep you safe, the website is https://stayingsafe.net/

Support Group options......

The organisation Body & Soul have a service called MindSET where they offer free online mental health support delivered by therapists and young people through science, creativity and community. They have free, live, online sessions, videos, animations and podcasts. MindSET delivers effective, concrete skills to help young people manage emotional distress, which are also useful for those at risk of self-harm and suicide. Their therapeutic team will help you to reduce and manage emotional distress and prevent harmful behaviours. To register to the live streams head to http://bodyandsoulcharity.org/sharethelove/ You can also contact them at 020 7923 6880 or email enquiries@bodyandsoulcharity.org

How do these sound? I wonder if there are any here that you might wish to try out?

Here at the Mix we take your thoughts of suicide seriously. We hear you and your feelings are important. We just wanted to let you know that if you did feel at any point that you were going to act on your thoughts of suicide, then we would urge you to call the emergency services on 999, or go to your local A&E department to explain your intentions to them, so that they can support you.

bignosegirly0 · February 21

@Sian321 hello. Thankfully, I am feeling better. Luckily, I haven’t broken down in tears at work. Usually while I’m waiting for help, the best way for me to get my emotions out is writing these posts.

I know I write the same posts over and over again. But I haven’t got anyone in real life to vent to, so this website is the only acceptable source for me to get my emotions out. I am unable to reach out to my GP, sadly. But I’m happy venting to this website when needed.

Thank you for the support.

eylah · 1:16PM

how are you today @bignosegirly0 ? sending you lots of hugs

bignosegirly0 · 1:24PM

@eylah I'm feeling better than yesterday, thank you. I'm still dealing with these thoughts, but I'm coping a lot better.

eylah · 1:26PM

im glad your feeling better then yesterday @bignosegirly0 i know things were hard for you but your doing your best and im proud of you

always here if you need to talk or anything.

Sian321 · 3:43PM

@bignosegirly0 , really good to hear that you're feeling a little bit better today. Though I hear those thoughts and feelings are still there. It takes a lot of energy to go through these waves and urges. You're doing so well to open up about what's been going on. One day at a time

(TW suicide) I wanna die so badly

Comments