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Late night thoughts (TW mentions of suicidal thoughts and SA)
Loz
Community Champion Posts: 113 The Mix Convert
I just wanted to make this into a post. I feel so much today, which is unusual because I usually feel numb.
I feel like everyone I work with is just waiting. And I don't know what for. I'm stuck in this cycle of going in and out of crisis and it hurts. And mental health services do not seem to care until I end up in a hospital bed. And I called this out because the supported living accommodation tried to kick me out because they "couldn't keep me safe" yet they are supposed to run 1 hour sessions a week and at the time I had only 1 in the space of 3 months. And CAMHS simply do nothing but watch. I'm 18 this year and have no idea what adult services are like, but if children's services are like this I don't hold much hope. I wrote a 2 page document for a professionals meeting they were doing, and CAMHS seemed to have brushed it under the carpet and ignored it, which sucks because I put a lot of effort into conveying my feelings about everything in it.
I feel like my actions are what are seen. I feel like they didn't listen until the police took me to A and E. Crisis helplines have been useless and I've tried them multiple times. The ones CAMHS gave go to voicemail. SHOUT ended the conversation when I was telling them my suicidal ideation was really bad. I don't want to be seen. I want to be heard. And I don't understand how loud I have to shout I'm not okay for somebody to listen to me and that really hurts.
I was thinking a lot about the past today. And I realised I feel invalid because what happened to me wasn't rape. I didn't know it was even sexual assault until the person was arrested. Which was 2 1/2 years later when I finally spoke up about it. And he walks away fine, with no social services involvement and he never engaged with the police or social services ONCE, and a year on they give up and let him walk free. I never felt so hurt.
Somehow I survived the shit. After nearly a month in hospital and going into care. Sectioned. Until they decided they thought I wasn't really suicidal. Yet they're not in my mind. I walked away with GCSE's somehow. Yet I have to redo my year of college because I wasn't strong enough to attend. All of this fucking hurts so much. I have ran away so many times, attempted to end my life, hurt myself, and I just feel invalid. Like nobody hears me. I have flashbacks from June when a member of the public walked me away from something I was going to do, and the police finding me, searching me, taking me back to hospital and asking the doctor to section me. Security sat outside my door for two fucking days solid just for the MH team to say they "trust" me not to do anything.
I just feel dismissed constantly. And I'm not sure how long I'm willing to stay strong and carry the pain anymore.
I feel like everyone I work with is just waiting. And I don't know what for. I'm stuck in this cycle of going in and out of crisis and it hurts. And mental health services do not seem to care until I end up in a hospital bed. And I called this out because the supported living accommodation tried to kick me out because they "couldn't keep me safe" yet they are supposed to run 1 hour sessions a week and at the time I had only 1 in the space of 3 months. And CAMHS simply do nothing but watch. I'm 18 this year and have no idea what adult services are like, but if children's services are like this I don't hold much hope. I wrote a 2 page document for a professionals meeting they were doing, and CAMHS seemed to have brushed it under the carpet and ignored it, which sucks because I put a lot of effort into conveying my feelings about everything in it.
I feel like my actions are what are seen. I feel like they didn't listen until the police took me to A and E. Crisis helplines have been useless and I've tried them multiple times. The ones CAMHS gave go to voicemail. SHOUT ended the conversation when I was telling them my suicidal ideation was really bad. I don't want to be seen. I want to be heard. And I don't understand how loud I have to shout I'm not okay for somebody to listen to me and that really hurts.
I was thinking a lot about the past today. And I realised I feel invalid because what happened to me wasn't rape. I didn't know it was even sexual assault until the person was arrested. Which was 2 1/2 years later when I finally spoke up about it. And he walks away fine, with no social services involvement and he never engaged with the police or social services ONCE, and a year on they give up and let him walk free. I never felt so hurt.
Somehow I survived the shit. After nearly a month in hospital and going into care. Sectioned. Until they decided they thought I wasn't really suicidal. Yet they're not in my mind. I walked away with GCSE's somehow. Yet I have to redo my year of college because I wasn't strong enough to attend. All of this fucking hurts so much. I have ran away so many times, attempted to end my life, hurt myself, and I just feel invalid. Like nobody hears me. I have flashbacks from June when a member of the public walked me away from something I was going to do, and the police finding me, searching me, taking me back to hospital and asking the doctor to section me. Security sat outside my door for two fucking days solid just for the MH team to say they "trust" me not to do anything.
I just feel dismissed constantly. And I'm not sure how long I'm willing to stay strong and carry the pain anymore.
"My darkside won today" - DArkSide by BMTH
Post edited by Gemma on
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Comments
It’s really not okay that the services are so awful. I felt dismissed by CAMHS and my GP, if it helps at all to know that’s not just you? Everything is so oversubscribed but we have to suffer because of it?! It’s crazy.
I think you’ve been really strong to get through all that, especially when people aren’t helping you as they should be. I know maybe there are things that didn’t work out as you’d hoped, but you’re doing so well. Nobody should have to experience the stuff you’re going through.
Sending big hugs
You're doing so well to reach out and talk through things with us here. I'm hearing that it's been really difficult to think back on your experiences and to reflect on the fact this person was able to walk free. This sounds so painful.
When we have gone through something difficult or traumatic, sometimes we can struggle with feelings of invalidation, especially when we feel our experiences don't fit neatly into legal definitions or when justice isn't served in the way we hoped. It's important to remember that the way you feel is the way you feel, it's so brave of you to have spoken up about what happened. Healing is a deeply personal journey, and there's no right or wrong way to feel about what happened to you.
Remember that we run a Support Circle on Thursdays for survivors of sexual violence - you can see more and sign-up here. You are always welcome in that space.
What you mention here around not wanting to be seen, but to be heard, is so powerful - it isn't right that your feelings haven't been taken seriously. And it's so tough to hear that you haven't been listened to until you reached a point of crisis.
It sounds like you've had a difficult time with helplines not really hearing you. We'll drop in with a DM to check in with you - we hear you @Loz and we're all right beside you through this.
I ended up not doing the police video interview because I was manipulated not to. And now that it's been over a year since I told anyone I feel like I can't do it. Even though I don't live there and there's nothing to stop me. I don't think I can go through the thing with the police again. But it feels like I will never be at peace. It's on my mind constantly. There's no evidence, no proof. It's my word against his.
This is exactly what hurts. Because its not like I haven't said anything. I have. But they didn't listen until they had no choice.
I think it is so strong and brave of you to talk about everything that you have been through especially after explaining it to so many services. It must be exhausting.
I want you to know that here you will always be heard and we will always validate your feelings in ways that other mental health services have not. Talking through things (when someone is actually listening) can be really helpful when figuring out what all your emotions mean and are trying to tell you. I hope that you are able to talk to other people in the community who can talk to you about similar experiences they have had and through this you can become even stronger.
Never give up on yourself. You are doing amazing and we will support you throughout this journey.
Hi @Loz just know that here, your feelings are validated. I will happily read and listen to your posts and give you support.
The stuff that you shared must be extremely traumatic, and at such a young age, unfortunately this isn’t the first time I’ve heard something like this. It just goes to show how crap this system is.
Please know that you are not alone.
We’re all on this cramped boat that seems to be going nowhere. Mental health services are awful. The CQC ratings are usually abysmal. In my honest opinion, it’s just a job to a majority of them and they don’t care as much we want them to. I realised this tough lesson because I wasn’t taken seriously. Let’s just say I’ve tried to do many things and it’s a miracle I’m here today.
But since last week I feel…content. This may be controversial, so if you are in crisis then call 999.
It’s ok to ask for help.
But from my experience none came.
So I learned that if you want to change things in life, you have to do it yourself.
Read up on stoicism. The simplest way to explain it is that it doesn’t matter what the stimulus is. It could be trauma, bereavement, depression etc. it’s how you respond to it that matters. Now it’s virtually impossible to be a hardline stoic. But practicing it helps you recognise your emotions and triggers. It’s kind of like therapy.
But please don’t take it the wrong way. This way might not work for you. I just thought I’d give a possible solution. I just hate it how the system failed us. Locked up and forgotten about.
Have hope and stay safe,
- dyoverdx
Edit: also take your medication as you should if you take them.
I agree with this. It's why I stopped blaming specific staff, but the system instead. It's like I'd turn up to A and E and all what would happen is I'd be sent home and told to go to CAMHS, but they'd keep me overnight so they could do their "meeting" where they just talk about what's best for them by the sounds of it. I feel like they don't take what I say seriously until I do something serious. Every time I've been sectioned, the MHA team come out and they just say they trust me, and one time the guy told me he doesn't believe I'm actually suicidal. Yet on one of these occasions where I had run away from the hospital, I'd done something serious and literally after two days they came and took me off the section because they "trust" me. I don't want to be sectioned because it's horrible not having any privacy and security with you, but I want to be taken seriously before I end up in crisis.
I've realised this too, but I find it really hard when I'm stuck in a mindset. I know none of these people are gonna change anything for me. They will do their tick box jobs and not give the slightest fuck about me when I'm discharged. None of these people will be there for me when I turn 18, which is this year.
I'm only on meds for sleep at the moment, which I basically had to beg for months for. I said to CAMHS I'm not trying every med under the sun because I feel like my CAMHS centre is taking the piss with meds. Like I'm some kind of science experiment. The dosage they take the piss with. Like the sleep meds I'm on now, the dose they've given is the equivalent of what a 5 year old child can take and I'm 17 years old. Even my doctor said it should be higher than what it is.
I just feel like I'm not being taken seriously. And I have no idea if this is because I try and control myself so they think I'll be okay. Or because I'm quiet about the things I go through. I don't know what they're waiting for. For me to go off the rails and get myself sectioned? I don't know.
TW: description of experience being sectioned
As time went on I couldn’t take it. I missed my family. I missed my friends. I felt really depressed.
I intended to harm myself.
They restrained me.
The minutes turned to hours.
They grabbed me and pinned me down one time. The nurse came in with a needle and drugged me up with haloperidol and lorazepam.
I only had finger foods on a paper plate. Even then group of them people came just in case, and then they just left me there.
Trust me when you’re 18 and you’re sectioned things get worse. It’s scary. You’re the youngest one there and you see dangerous and seriously unwell people. Some where also criminals who have done things you couldn’t possibly imagine. I’ve had this. The staff said to me “you know what you’re doing” because I was clever since I was doing my A levels so that made me different to the other patients. I still felt pain. I still thought of and tried to end it. They didn’t know me. I hate how social norms influence mental health diagnoses. I think they expected me to wear a tinfoil hat or something.
They did that with me, experimenting with all sorts of drugs.
They put me in Rispiradone and that made me aggressive and I had unwanted side effects.
But eventually I found olanzapine and epilim which helped my symptoms. When you’re in a PICU that’s what they do they adjust meds and stuff.
Let the doctors know as soon as possible about your concerns.
It’s nice to get validation from people on sites like this. It’s good to see people going through similar shit to you and all however I suggest that you go to your GP tomorrow and voice everything you said. Show your message too.
Tell them everything. Tell them you aren’t taken seriously because in the above quote, the text in bold is worrying.
If you’re quiet about things then that’s the problem. Be completely honest. Consider therapy and medication at the same time.
In the meantime as you said you have sleep problems try and improve your physical health such as getting good sleep hygiene, moderate exercise (like a brisk walk) and a balanced and varied diet. Also try mindfulness meditation.
I know it sounds like I’m reading off a script but it does work and helps me a lot. If you neglect your sleep for example your mental health will be all over the place. It can trigger hypomania for me.
I hope you stay strong. You’ve got this.
I feel this. I was in a general ward for almost a month because they didn't believe I was actually suicidal and I refused to go home so they had to put me into care. And I would have staff members say I'm not like the other patients that are constantly in hospital. Just because I'm quiet and don't kick off doesn't mean that I'm not suicidal and that I wouldn't harm myself so hearing it kind of felt invalidating. Another thing I don't understand is why they would say my self-harm is superficial. Like I understand it is but hearing it is not helpful in the slightest. It's invalidating. It makes you want to do something worse just to feel like what you've done is enough for them to consider it something. It hurt to hear it simply because I would do everything to hide it, so when I feel okay showing someone to hear that was the worst thing.
I haven't told my doctor but they know if that makes sense what's going on. There are professionals meetings every week at the moment because I ended up in A and E a few times in the last couple of weeks. And I've spoken out about it and I've had a go at CAMHS because I feel like they're not helping. But they're trying to say I don't speak but it's not like they help me to get to the point I feel like I can speak. They keep asking what kind of help I need, and every week I tell them I don't know because I don't, I'm not the therapist therefore I do not know what sort of help would help me if that makes sense. I wrote a two page document for these meetings that was sent out to everyone I work with. And I told them everything I feel. And everyone except CAMHS acknowledged it. My CAMHS workers manager dismissed me in the meeting saying she's "sorry to hear it" and "it is what it is". And the meeting the week after, she started reading out of a textbook basically. "go for a walk" "socialise" "listen to music" "have a shower". This is all she had to say in the meeting. I feel like they're missing the point of what I was trying to say to them. Because what I was saying was they watch me go into crisis again and again, and this time they ignored it and after 3 hospital trips, A and E ended up having to refer me to a crisis team. I feel like I've got to beg for help.
I was thinking about starting running but like in the evening so I tire myself out a couple of hours before going to bed. I didn't realise diet affected sleep because at the moment my diet is terrible because I live in supported accommodation. Sooo we have a shared kitchen which means my food gets robbed. And it's incredibly hard to cook in there because half the time the other people haven't washed the dishes or pans they were using. My diet is terrible though so I feel like I need to try sort it, because it's bad for my physical health as well.
Also have you heard the phrase “you are what you eat”? Our food consumption really does affect our mental health.
Go out of your way to tell others to clean pots or ask the manager to make sure it’s clean. You want a balanced and varied diet.
I have a good, nutritious breakfast which is high in carbs, protein, healthy fats and fibre to fuel me throughout the morning. I’d have weetabix or porridge, but alternate the days. Also, I add peanut butter for protein and additional healthy fats, but obviously don’t if you’re allergic or you hate peanut butter. But I’m trying to create a plan of what breakfast I eat every day to vary the breakfast to make so I don’t get bored.
I have a cup of coffee in the morning and then tea after that but limit my caffeine intake after 3pm.
Caffeine is good for a mood boost when you’re blue.
Meditation is a really good way of learning about and controlling your emotions. Just think of them as a wave and let that wave pass when meditating. It sounds cringeworthy, I know, but you’ll start to separate your thoughts (eg. intrusive or productive) from your feelings (eg. depression or happiness) and then your actions (crises/self harm or positive life choices).
But also I think you need some self discovery. That’s what I’m doing. For the past few years I’ve been a case study (I’ve been spoken to by robots who didn’t seem like they cared, like they where reading scripts) but now I’m learning new things and I’m enjoying life, despite my struggles.
One other thing to do is remember in the end we all cease to exist. Whether you are a monotheist, a polytheist, an atheist or an agnostic. TW:
Because no psychologist, nurse or support worker could answer my questions. I am an atheist and I encountered the concept of nihilism. The fact that everything is meaningless and life has no purpose. This sparked fear of losing my loved ones and I thought I’d save time by cutting it short, with suicidal ideation and attempts
But now I think that we make our purposes. Don’t let anyone stop you. You’re young. You’ve got your GCSEs. You’ve got the whole world ahead of you. Remember this doesn’t mean life will be perfect. But don’t give up. I’ve seen people who have been in the system all their life. You have potential. You matter. Your feelings are validated. I wouldn’t have written this if I was bsing you, so please - try.
I went for a run today and planned a sort of routine. I just thought, if I just follow and commit to something each day, at least I'm doing something that could benefit me in some way. I'm extremely unfit so it turned out to be fast walking and a bit of running but I committed to 20 mins. I feel like a massive problem with me progressing and getting better is that I can't see my own progress. So I end up doing nothing and laying in bed all day thinking about how shit my life is and not getting any better, but instead worse. I just installed an app and put a couple of tasks I can do each day. So I'll do around 20mins of running for now, journalling or writing music before bed, waking up at the same time every day no matter what, walking to the shop to buy what I need for the day, and self-care. I'm not in college at the moment because I have to resit the year because of my attendance, but I've worked these things so that they would work when I'm back in college in September and I am doing stuff to try and feel better. CAMHS I've realised are not going to help me.
I agree with this 100%. I feel infinitely better when I've eaten decent food. I used to have a decent routine of what I would eat, but in the past few months, it's kind of deteriorated into snacking throughout the day and a ready meal in the evening.
I agree with this. Because when I think about my music, I would have nothing to write about if none of this shitty stuff had happened. I want to train to be a mental health nurse because even though there are so many bad mental health practitioners, I know I would do what I can for the people I look after. I wouldn't treat them in the slightest the same way I was treated. I would listen. I would do what I can to help. I wouldn't sit there and ignore someone, or invalidate them. I feel like so many people who work in mental health don't have a clue of what they're doing. They're a walking, talking textbook. I genuinely believe you can never understand someone suffering with mental health issues unless you've been through it yourself, I understand that statement could be controversial. If I'm being honest, I want to help change the system, because many of the issues stem from how mental health services are run. Waiting lists are awful.
Also I want to thank you for responding to my posts, I found it insightful and useful.