Group chat and anxious brain

Amy22 · February 5

I don't want to sound like I am judgemental or complaining at all but in chat tonight someone asked if they could talk to me after chat ended. I was on the general chat and someone came on there asking for advice eventhough techinically it should have been in support as it was more of a support question but I say yes only if it was on the boards. Sorry if I sound judgemental I just said yes and I don't know if I feel ready to talk to them. Sorry

Amy22 · February 5

I would only messaged if it was done on boards and they said yes. But then chat needed to end so I said goodnight and they said 'goodnight x'. I don't know but something felt off it might just be me being paranoid again as I can be paranoid. If you are reading this I apologise for being paranoid, I just feel like I may not have the answer to the question you need

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Amy22 · February 6

I decided to have a chat with my mum because I know she aware I use this and we talked about how I felt. Sorry I'm digging a big hole for myself right now *sigh* as I always do.

independent_ · February 6

You don’t have to talk to anyone privately on here, the PMs are there but no one is entitled to your attention. Always remember that. If you both want to PM that’s great. I always know if i send a PM it’s ok if i don’t get an answer, not everyone likes private messaging, and some just aren’t feeling up to it on that particular day. So try not to overthink it

Stephanie · February 6

Hey @Amy22

Just checking in to see how you are doing?

I agree with what @independent_ has said. You don't need to PM people if you don't feel ready or comfortable.

We are here for you

JustV · February 6

@independent_ is totally right @Amy22.

Additionally though, if you want to flag a particular account to the mod team, please feel free to DM us and we'll check it out.

Loz · February 6

You don't have to talk to anyone off the boards. I was in that chat yesterday and I also felt uncomfortable in the way the account was speaking.

Sending hugs

JustV · February 6

Ah, if we're talking about Cookie, they're now (and were previously) banned from the community. They slipped through in chat yesterday but they're someone we've banned before.

independent_ · February 6

I feel like i remember that username, I think they were the person who asked me if I was single once and told me they were 16... i was like "do you want me in the jail"?

Amy22 · February 6

Hey all thanks so so much for the kind messages

I really appreciate it a lot. Sorry I haven't responded any sooner I was in work so doing stuff kind of kept me busy and off my worried brain. I saw the messages though through my email and actually now I know that I don't have to respond to them and my mum also mentioned this too. My mum knows I use the chat sometimes and she is fine with it but mentioned that if anyone makes me feel uncomfortable to flag it up. However, I always feel the need to support other people all the time because I hate the thought of someone going away and feeling like someone didn't hear their story today. So maybe that was why I panicked. But the conversation in chat wasn't appropriate for the general chat and rather a support question. I tried my best to answer it but was unsure whether I would say the right thing or not. I don't want to offend anyone or give the wrong message. @independent_ they also asked me like you too about talking after chat. However, they never dm'ned me at all. I only said yes as long as it was on the boards and not anywhere else because of privacy and trust and stuff.

@JustV I will put this in a spoiler because I don't know if this may be triggering for some or inappropriate but

Yes it was that person and that username started chatting to me a bit. They explained they were in a toilet and wanted to use a sanitary pad despite being the opposite gender. I said that was okay and if they were unsure they could google. But they said they coulden't because of that and I said well you can always clear you cauche. I began to suspect maybe it was a gender identity question they were asking and I didn't feel like I had the right answer. Then again I didn't know if they were joking about the sanitary pad thing because for most people that is quite an important subject (too me most importantly because anyone can use but not to take them when you don't need them. I said yes we could chat afterwards thinking it was about gender identity. But they never dm'ned me at all. So I worried I said the wrong thing. I decided to talk to my mum who is aware of me using TheMix and she is super helpful and understanding. But she said maybe they were trying to do something that may not have been appropriate and that I shoulden't DM anyone I don't feel up to dm'ing

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Honestly though thank you so much because I was so silly last night worrying about that. There are better things to be worrying about in the world. (I had to edit this a bit because Im not good at explaining things). I just feel stupid. Sorry for wasting time with this really

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independent_ · February 6

You haven't wasted time at all @Amy22 and your mum is absolutely right, you can always flag things up. If anyone were to add you to a conversation you weren't comfortable with, you could always screen shot it or add the mix to the conversation. That's where with new people it's always, always better to talk on the boards if you do talk, because then the mix are right there to support you. Once you take it off the boards (which imo is ok if you are comfortable with that and you know the person) it becomes a lot harder for the mix to help you.

It's really hard when you're not sure the motive behind the question, and if you're anything like me you tend to assume good motives until proven otherwise. Innocent until proven guilty type of thing. I think you do get to learn the subtle signs in chat though, and unfortunately people asking support questions in GC is one of them for me sometimes.

I think it's natural to be worried, but you are always in control of what you do...we can't control what others do but we can control how we react to it and it's always ok to take a step back as your reaction to something like this.

Amy22 · February 7

Thank you so much @independent_

JustV · February 7

Couldn't have said it better than @independent_!

It's a good general rule to assume good faith from new folks, but over time you do pick up on the signs and it's good to listen to those and report them if you think something is up.

Also, someone can have real support needs and also use the community inappropriately - both things can be true. We can be kind but still really clear about our boundaries.

Just to reinforce what has already been said: you're never obligated to respond to a DM of any kind (even ones from mods!), and there's never any pressure to support someone, especially if doing so makes you feel uncomfortable. That's part of what mods are for.

Also, fully not a waste of time - conversations like this are helpful to have. We're a community at the end of the day and it's good for us to air these things out.

Amy22 · February 7

JustV wrote: »

Couldn't have said it better than @independent_!

It's a good general rule to assume good faith from new folks, but over time you do pick up on the signs and it's good to listen to those and report them if you think something is up.

Also, someone can have real support needs and also use the community inappropriately - both things can be true. We can be kind but still really clear about our boundaries.

Just to reinforce what has already been said: you're never obligated to respond to a DM of any kind (even ones from mods!), and there's never any pressure to support someone, especially if doing so makes you feel uncomfortable. That's part of what mods are for.

Also, fully not a waste of time - conversations like this are helpful to have. We're a community at the end of the day and it's good for us to air these things out.

Thank you so much @JustV I just saw this notification on my email. I just feel like sometimes I can be quite quillable to those who may be missing using this place sadly. I think they got banned though as I had no dm what so ever. Its just I find it annoying when someone asks for help but they are trolling as like I just spent my time wasting it on someone when I could have easily spent it helping someone in a more serious situation you know. Thanks so much though for your kind words and I echo this to everyone on here too

independent_ · February 7

I think it's important not to be hard on yourself here @Amy22 it's better to try and help a troll than to assume someone is a troll and not help them.

If anything good can come out of this for you, try to let it be that the person, whoever that may be, knows it's a supportive community so if they ever come around with a genuine support need, they will know the strength of this community in its ability to support others.

Amy22 · February 7

Thank you @independent_ I think maybe I am putting pressure on myself way too much. That is definitly a habit of mine. Also, the person who comes on kind of anyways knows its a supportive community so technically if I don't have the answer then there are other users here too as well, not just me.

Group chat and anxious brain

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