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How do you tell others that you're autistic?
JJLemon18
Community Champion Posts: 1,926 Extreme Poster
Hi lovely people.
I've been learning more and more about autism, talking to autistics, and seeing/hearing other autistic people's experiences - and wow does it all piece together my life! I'm now almost certain I'm autistic.
I just wanted to ask about something. I'm mainly gonna mention autism, but this also applies to other disabilities, and even mental health problems completely unrelated to neurodivergence, like social anxiety for example.
How (and if) do you tell other people that you're autistic?
Cause I know there is a lot of stigma and stereotyping relating to autism, I've heard that people might react in weird and negative ways. For example; making fun of you, treating you like a 5-year-old, or just distancing themselves from you for whatever reason. A personal worry of mine is that I will be treated like less of a human, not sure how to explain. Like people talking with me might realise that I'm slow to respond, don't understand stuff that easy, or get easily overwhelmed, and so they might think to themselves that I either don't care or am uninterested in talking to them, especially since I often find myself spacing out. Which I realise is probably just me being so self-critical (if that's the right term), because that is usually how I feel about myself sometimes, like less human than others. Since I was little I often viewed myself as more of a robot than a person based on how I behave. Then there's the whole thing called 'masking' that I've learned literally about 30 minutes ago, which I definitely relate to a lot!
Recently, someone asked me about what societies I joined, and so I told them... mentioning the autism society among others. I sent the message and only then realised what I said, I just thought to myself "oh no". I was terrified that they will start to think of me/treat me differently. But they haven't mentioned anything about it at all, not sure if they're scared to talk about it, but I secretly wish they'd ask, I'd be happy to explain it all to them.
Since then though, they have not treated me any differently (that I have noticed). They are still one of the nicest people that I had the pleasure of talking to.
I know there are a lot of positives from telling others that you're autistic. They can be more understanding for example. And if they're mean to you or something, it shows which people you probably shouldn't waste you're time with. Plus autism isn't somthing that you can easily hide, definitely not forever.
So my question again, how do you tell people about your autism? Do you state it clear and loud? Do you make vague hints towards it? Do you get to know the person well first before telling them? Do you share it with pride, as soon as possible, everywhere you can? How do you say or word it? How do you bring it up? How much detail do you give? You get the point.
(Wanted to remind that these questions also apply to other stuff like social anxiety, how do you tell people you're socially anxious for example)
So if you have any opinions on this, any advice, or anything really that you have to say (as little or as much) - I'd love to hear it!
I've been learning more and more about autism, talking to autistics, and seeing/hearing other autistic people's experiences - and wow does it all piece together my life! I'm now almost certain I'm autistic.
I just wanted to ask about something. I'm mainly gonna mention autism, but this also applies to other disabilities, and even mental health problems completely unrelated to neurodivergence, like social anxiety for example.
How (and if) do you tell other people that you're autistic?
Cause I know there is a lot of stigma and stereotyping relating to autism, I've heard that people might react in weird and negative ways. For example; making fun of you, treating you like a 5-year-old, or just distancing themselves from you for whatever reason. A personal worry of mine is that I will be treated like less of a human, not sure how to explain. Like people talking with me might realise that I'm slow to respond, don't understand stuff that easy, or get easily overwhelmed, and so they might think to themselves that I either don't care or am uninterested in talking to them, especially since I often find myself spacing out. Which I realise is probably just me being so self-critical (if that's the right term), because that is usually how I feel about myself sometimes, like less human than others. Since I was little I often viewed myself as more of a robot than a person based on how I behave. Then there's the whole thing called 'masking' that I've learned literally about 30 minutes ago, which I definitely relate to a lot!
Recently, someone asked me about what societies I joined, and so I told them... mentioning the autism society among others. I sent the message and only then realised what I said, I just thought to myself "oh no". I was terrified that they will start to think of me/treat me differently. But they haven't mentioned anything about it at all, not sure if they're scared to talk about it, but I secretly wish they'd ask, I'd be happy to explain it all to them.
Since then though, they have not treated me any differently (that I have noticed). They are still one of the nicest people that I had the pleasure of talking to.
I know there are a lot of positives from telling others that you're autistic. They can be more understanding for example. And if they're mean to you or something, it shows which people you probably shouldn't waste you're time with. Plus autism isn't somthing that you can easily hide, definitely not forever.
So my question again, how do you tell people about your autism? Do you state it clear and loud? Do you make vague hints towards it? Do you get to know the person well first before telling them? Do you share it with pride, as soon as possible, everywhere you can? How do you say or word it? How do you bring it up? How much detail do you give? You get the point.
(Wanted to remind that these questions also apply to other stuff like social anxiety, how do you tell people you're socially anxious for example)
So if you have any opinions on this, any advice, or anything really that you have to say (as little or as much) - I'd love to hear it!
Believe in me - who believes in you
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Comments
I can't say for others but as someone suspected autistic (afab) a good few people in my life clocked it way before me! I had a counsellor mention it to me as well as a lecturer and another adult in my life, so that's when I started looking into it more.
It's unfortunately still seen as a very male-centred disorder so research and understanding/accommodations for female/afab autistics is still quite limited.
There is still sadly a lot of stigma surrounding autism, there's no denying that. It's still seen as a children's disorder in many people's eyes which is often reflected in diagnostics, however there isn't much logic in this as autistic children become autistic adults!
I'm studying a social sciences course so there is a wide range of people on my course, including individuals with neurodiversity like myself - there are 2 other people in my class that have said they're autistic and people are generally very accepting as due to the nature of the course, it attracts open minded people.
I wasn't treated very well at school by teachers, being undiagnosed but college lecturers are much more understanding and accommodating. I can't really say for outside of the education environment.
I would say, however, steer clear of the 'charity' Autism Speaks as it puts on a guise of being an autism charity, however they are widely considered by many autistic individuals, including myself to be a Hate Speech, as they advocate for views aligning with that of eugenics.
I completely understand the initial apprehension and worry of telling people. In my eyes if it bothers someone that much to have such a strong/poor reaction to being told, they're not worth your time. Others might have a different view to this than me but it's not something you absolutely have to disclose to everyone, it's all on your terms, you can choose who you want to know.
I've found that I only tell people about my conditions if it might help them personally, or to help them better understand my behaviours, but that's just my personal preference and way of dealing with things.
Exactly! I completely agree.
With autism as I'm undiagnosed I have told college friends I suspect it but I'm definitely neurodivergent. I've not gone into it massively but it serves as a potential explanation for when I suddenly go quiet or get socially drained very easily, and why I experience super intense emotions.
It's different for everyone I think, there's no right or wrong way to go about sharing/not sharing things like this about yourself.
I would personally say if you're in education, it's definitely worth mentioning to people like Student Support or the equivalent, as well as lecturers/tutors/teachers as there are accommodations that can be put in place. For example, my school had a (small) sensory room for anyone that needed that space/time to themselves, but it wasn't well known about, and was secluded away, so you wouldn't know unless you were already aware of it like I was. My college has something similar - a contemplation room where you can go to get some peace/quiet and is a space for anyone, including people that want to pray or just feeling overwhelmed. They don't have a sensory space as of yet that I'm aware of but I'm going to enquire about it as I heard talk of funding for one.
Loop earplugs have been trending for anyone that struggles with noise, but particularly autistic people, if that's of any interest.
I do also have social anxiety disorder which impacts me at college, which the lecturers are aware of so I'm not spotlighted/called on in the register etc. I don't feel the need to share it with my classmates simply because it's very apparent.
My college in particular is quite good regarding all forms of neurodivergencies, so I'm quite lucky in that regard. They have annual themed campaigns, and last year's was neurodiversity. Granted, they don't get everything right all the time, but they do their best and take on board any feedback.
You might be aware of this already but there is a disability pride month and a campaign to move away from autism awareness month, to autism acceptance month, as many people are aware of the disorder itself, but there's still a lot of work regarding acceptance.
I'm not sure if you have TikTok but I would highly recommend getting it as there are a lot of autistic creators on there, they often use the hashtag #actuallyautistic to distinguish themselves from the parents of autistic children posting videos. It's really helped educate me hearing from the perspective of autistic people themselves.
I'll recommend a few users below:
dottiestims - an autistic creator that shares lots of fidget content
_thislineismine - Cheryl (they/she), a UK autistic creator sharing their journey and experiences of being autistic
soundoftheforest - (she/her), autistic creator sharing her experiences being autistic and her love of moths
thistrippiehippie - Evie Meg (she/her), a UK-based neurodivergent creator with an autoimmune disorder, sharing her journey to diagnosis of PANDAS, and her day to day experiences with Tourettes Syndrome, seizures and dysautonomia
rainbowfrogbiscuits - (she/they) neurodivergent music artist
There's a real struggle for sensitive and accurate autism representation in the media, but I'd thouroughly recommend the netflix show Heartbreak High. The protagonist, Quinni, is played by Chloe Hayden, who is autistic herself, therefore the portrayal is considered to be very accurate by many. She is also on Tiktok!
I've shared a link to a clip from a scene in it which has really good representation of dialouge between a neurotypical teenager Sasha, and an autistic, neurodivergent teenager Quinni. I would take care with the last few seconds - TW meltdown, but I just wanted to share as it's a really profound scene that resonates with a lot of people. I've put it in the spoiler below:
Hope this helps!
There's no right way to tell someone about your neurodivergency I think . The only wrong way I can think of, is if someone were to use it as a scapegoat for mistreatment of others ("I only hurt you because I have ___, so I shouldn't have to apologise"). Which you are not doing ! What matters is that you know your worth despite any judgement you could receive .
@lunarcat522 Thank you so much for your reply and all the info!
Absolitely no clue why they think it's a male thing. At uni the autism society I joined is very evenly split between all genders.
Right? Like just because people learn to live with it, cope, and hide it as they grow - it doesn't mean it just dissapears.
I went to my gp some time ago to ask for an autism diagnosis and she was very surprised saying that she's only ever done that to young children. She told me "did you see the little girl who came in before you? She is autistic." And I just think to myself 'excuse me?' It was literally a really young girl who was running around the waiting room constantly screaming for no reason. You can't compare me to her. It's like I went to the doctor with covid and they pointed at an elderly woman (for example) who also has covid, "you're not an elderly woman so you can't have covid". Like it doesnt make sense!
I genuinely felt like she was trying everything to prevent me from getting a diagnosis. Last time she even told me that autism and adhd are two completely different disorders and its not possible to have both... like huh?
I think I need a new gp lol.
Whoa, that doesn't sound great. I haven't heard of them before but thanks for the heads up!
Btw, sorry to hear you've not been treated well by teachers
How is this going? Any progress?
No I've not heard. Sounds like a great idea!
I don't use tiktok unfortunately but I might check them out at some point. Thanks for the recommendations. Seeing/hearing other people's experiences is defo the best way to learn about things like autism imo. Joining that society that I mentioned made me realise that I'm probably a lot more autistic than I previously thought I was.
@slugchannel everything you said is super helpful and makes a lot of sense. I might just be otherthinking it a bit, but it's nice to get some advice on this. I think as usual I'm just too worried about what other people think, I shouldn't feel responsible for people judging or not understanding me. Thank you so so much!!
(Also thanks for reminding me of this thread haha)
Sending hugs
They seem to have a contemplation room which is sort of like a sensory room doubled as a prayer space. They have a small bubble tube, some fidget items, books, mindfulness colouring and lights.
It's not something that works for me as I've been taken there when I've been triggered and hypervigilant and I kept jumping out of my skin every time someone came in to use the prayer bit as when you open the door it's quite loud, but maybe it works for some
I've been thinking about this point quite a bit and wanted to ask some stuff. Is it ever okay to use autism/adhd as an excuse for something? And if so then in what kind of situations?
Also even if I did hurt someone because of my autism, the autism is still part of me, it was still me who hurt them and I should absolutely take the blame for it and apologise.
I just want to know any potential situations where I may say "sorry I'm autistic" or "sorry its just my autism" as a sort of explanation in case I do something wrong or misunderstand something for example.
I think it's fine if you're taking accountability, I would just make it clear to the person that you're not trying to use it as an excuse but more for their understanding of why something has happened, even if it was unintentional.
A good way to go about this may be "sorry I'm autistic so I sometimes struggle to interpret things in conversation which is why _ happened, I didn't intend for _ to happen as a result, I will try to watch out for this in the future" or something like that which basically shows you have good intentions and want to better yourself for the future rather than a blanket statement like "sorry I'm autistic", as being specific to the situation comes across as being more genuine.