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time to vent!!
yana
Community Champion Posts: 1,277 Wise Owl
really struggling and my mum has noticed but every time I bring it up she's like 'you never take your vitamin that's not your fault. you missed your meds that ONE DAY that's your fault' and I'm like bruh would you prefer me to just go sh then?? I've been trying to go to take the dog for a long walk every morning. I've fixed my diet and I think my social life is going well for once. actually maybe not, my social life is always messy and weird but that's not the point. I've made all the positive changes in my life I can but it's like the monster in the back of my head is determined to make my life hell NO MATTER WHAT I DO!!! anyway so I wanna up the dosage of antidepressants I'm on but my mum's like 'no bestie it's not a magic pill that's not how it works' UM EXCUSE ME I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING IDK WHAT ELSE YOU WANT ME TO DO!! I even broke up with my boyfriend and then blocked him when he continued making me feel like I wanted to die but no matter what I do I always end up crying myself to sleep at night.
I also want to change my meds or do something about them or just seek medical advice because one of the sexual side effects is really pissing me off and it makes me really really really upset but I'm like really scared to bring that up to the doctor or anyone even though ik they've prob heard all sorts of stuff and even if I did bring it up my mum would end up asking about the change with meds and I refuse to explain to her the issues in my sexual life. so idk what to do about that. I've tried to ignore it for like over a year but it's gotten to the point where I'm really frustrated and upset.
I think the main underlying theme that never goes away is loneliness. no matter what is making me upset or what is triggering me, every day mood is full of loneliness. sometimes I'll just see someone with their friends or family or partner and then that's it, my mood for the week is ruined. even if I don't see anyone else literally just thinking about it makes me want to cry and throw up. and yeah I know loneliness is normal but like literally for YEARS it feels like loneliness has been the driving force of my depression. actually fuck that loneliness is like an entire mental illness itself. i keep acting like I want sex and doing stupid things and making stupid decisions. it's partially because yeah I want sex lol. but my friend asked me 'xee honestly, why do you really want sex so bad?' and I realised it's because I just so so desperately crave that intimacy and care and love and touch. I want something real. I'm fed up of bullshit. bullshit from everyone in my life. my best friend ends up snogging me, the other 'bestie' encourages an addiction of mine and then my other friend just spends every second of her life rubbing her sexual escapades in my face which is good for her but if I hear one more time about it I'm gonna literally just walk off mid conversation. then that leaves one more actual friend but she's my ex and she's moving away anyway. besides them all of my best friends and the people I love are online and yeah they're great and some of them might be reading this in which case hi but THEY'RE NOT REAL they're names on a screen and all I want in life is something real, is that too much to ask for?? even my subconscious is taunting me. I constantly have dreams about these things and I wake up and it's like 'woah I'm back to this shitty reality'. I feel frustrated every second of every day. all my bad intrusive thoughts have been coming back and it scares the shit out of me. everything has turned to shit and i have no one to blame but myself.
also I just feel incredibly heartbroken. it's this never ending feeling. it's like paired with the loneliness.
on the plus side I've got a puppy and she's the best. anyone who's still reading then thanks for listening to my crap. that probably made no sense and there are probably grammatical errors and stuff and I probably sound pathetic and desperate (which I am tbh) but I cba to go back and read through it otherwise I'll be here forever overthinking. ok vent over!
I also want to change my meds or do something about them or just seek medical advice because one of the sexual side effects is really pissing me off and it makes me really really really upset but I'm like really scared to bring that up to the doctor or anyone even though ik they've prob heard all sorts of stuff and even if I did bring it up my mum would end up asking about the change with meds and I refuse to explain to her the issues in my sexual life. so idk what to do about that. I've tried to ignore it for like over a year but it's gotten to the point where I'm really frustrated and upset.
I think the main underlying theme that never goes away is loneliness. no matter what is making me upset or what is triggering me, every day mood is full of loneliness. sometimes I'll just see someone with their friends or family or partner and then that's it, my mood for the week is ruined. even if I don't see anyone else literally just thinking about it makes me want to cry and throw up. and yeah I know loneliness is normal but like literally for YEARS it feels like loneliness has been the driving force of my depression. actually fuck that loneliness is like an entire mental illness itself. i keep acting like I want sex and doing stupid things and making stupid decisions. it's partially because yeah I want sex lol. but my friend asked me 'xee honestly, why do you really want sex so bad?' and I realised it's because I just so so desperately crave that intimacy and care and love and touch. I want something real. I'm fed up of bullshit. bullshit from everyone in my life. my best friend ends up snogging me, the other 'bestie' encourages an addiction of mine and then my other friend just spends every second of her life rubbing her sexual escapades in my face which is good for her but if I hear one more time about it I'm gonna literally just walk off mid conversation. then that leaves one more actual friend but she's my ex and she's moving away anyway. besides them all of my best friends and the people I love are online and yeah they're great and some of them might be reading this in which case hi but THEY'RE NOT REAL they're names on a screen and all I want in life is something real, is that too much to ask for?? even my subconscious is taunting me. I constantly have dreams about these things and I wake up and it's like 'woah I'm back to this shitty reality'. I feel frustrated every second of every day. all my bad intrusive thoughts have been coming back and it scares the shit out of me. everything has turned to shit and i have no one to blame but myself.
also I just feel incredibly heartbroken. it's this never ending feeling. it's like paired with the loneliness.
on the plus side I've got a puppy and she's the best. anyone who's still reading then thanks for listening to my crap. that probably made no sense and there are probably grammatical errors and stuff and I probably sound pathetic and desperate (which I am tbh) but I cba to go back and read through it otherwise I'll be here forever overthinking. ok vent over!
my brain is not braining the way brains are meant to brain
5
Comments
When it comes to your mental health you should be doing whatever you think its going to help and get you feeling better so it may be worthwhile having discussion with your GP or a mental health professional to see what other steps you can take.
Loneliness is a horrible thing to experience and I'm sure many people can relate, have you tried speaking with your friends and family about how lonely you have been feeling?
Sending hugs!
do you have any advice of how I can approach the GP? I know it's confidential but my mum's best friend is a nurse there and if she saw me there she'd prob find it weird I'm there without my mum since my mum treats me and my siblings like babies and is very overprotective. she also tracks my phone and if she saw I was at the GP idk how I'd explain. then there's the issue of bringing up my issue..idk how I'd phrase it and even if I did know how to phrase it, bringing it up just sounds scary. I was thinking maybe it's easier to go to my therapist and ask for her advice since she often comes up with good insight and she's also a psychiatrist so yeah she knows what she's talking about. but even with her idk how to bring up the sexual issues because it's just so embarrassing, I feel like she already judges me enough. also her views on some things are a little weird. I told her how I got sexually assaulted last week and she said some odd things and also she seems to have this thing about polyamory, she hates it a lot and thinks it isn't possible. anyway that's totally irrelevant. I'm sure I'll find a way to talk to someone about it.
I've tried talking to my online friends about how lonely I feel because I'm quite comfortable with them but my friends in real life are a different story. they already see me as the problematic mentally ill one and they're really lovely and sweet but it's just an odd feeling when my friend asks about how I'm feeling, it almost feels condescending as if she thinks she's superior just because she's not struggling with her mental health. she's a lovely person and I'm sure she doesn't mean that at all, I'm probably overthinking but yeah I feel like I've fucked up her opinion of me enough. as for my family, I don't see the point in telling them how I feel. there's nothing they can really do.
I understand your concerns about your mother finding out but a nurse should not be breaking confidentiality and sharing which patients she has seen. In regards to tracking your phone, obviously I don't know how old you are, but is it something you would be able to bring up with your mum? If you didn't consent to her tracking you there is a sort of grey area of acceptability where I understand from her perspective that she wants her kids to be safe but on the other hand you shouldn't have to feel trapped by it.
I assume you are an adolescent (I apologise if I am wrong) and that period of life is a very difficult time. I completely understand how you would feel lonely. I think it's important to know that, even though it doesn't feel it at times, there are people around who care about you. Once out of an education environment, I found it much easier on that front because you meet so many more people who are like you. While you've probably heard it a thousand times before, it does get better.
If you ever need someone to reach out to there are a lot of us here who would be more than happy to chat.
I just wanted to echo what @leeholly said, the nurse should absolutely not be breaking confidentiality, even if its a relative. This rule exists so that you can get help without feeling embarrassed or feeling like you might get exposed or something.
Also in terms of loneliness, I relate to some extent, it feels like a lot of my low mood and sadness comes from loneliness and the lack of social interaction at least. I think I mentioned before how I have so many people to talk to here but it still feels lonely, it will never substitute for a good, real friend.
Sending a big virtual hug!