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Do I have feelings for someone else?
Past User
Posts: 0 Just got here
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Feeling confused/ curious/ unsure when in a relationship can alwayes happen, especially when this is long term. You and your gf have shared a lot of things together these past years, you've grew together and you've developed who you are together, since you were only teens when your relationship started.
I can understand that dealing with this alone must be really hard, but I'm here to tell you that I've been there much recently and it does get better, and you're not going to ruin any relationship if you make them understand your pov.
Before letting you know my thoughts and piece of advice I'd really like to share my personal story, see if it helps you relate or makes you feel any better or less gulity and alone (which I had felt when going through this situation).
Me and bf are together for almost 3 years, and he was always treating awesome, however, after we moved together for uni (for which we studied the SAME thing so we spend 24/7 together), things became very basic, blunt, dull.. and we fought a lot. During this time I was also dealing with my own personal mental health issues, and I felt like a burden for him, but due to the state of the relationship at that moment, he wasn't very supportive, or at least was offering help in the wrong way. I felt alone, misunderstood and taken for granted. It was during this time I met this very nice guy who was a friend of a very good friend of mine, and we started talking since we had plenty things in common. He quickly made me feel better, i could trust him, ask for space and he would give it to me, or know how and when to cheer me up etc. He quickly started flirting with me even though he was aware of my relationship. The problem was that, it was obvious that we both liked each other. But I couldn't engage with that feeling because I loved my bf more than anything.
Weeks passed by, and the situation only got worse, since my bf and I were fighting a lot, but the other guy was always there to make me feel better. I was feeling trapped in a maze with no exit. Always moving in circles, and not finding any escape.
I eventually decide to tell my boyfriend my exact feelings, letting him know that I feel alone in this relationship and that even though he gives out his 90% in the relationship, I really needed the 10% that was missing, which was the empathy, the caring, the mental support. I never told him there was another guy, but i asked for sometime alone, a break from everyhting, so I can find what I really needed. From the break we would both know if we are better alone, than together, or maybe that we can't make it without each other's back. He unfortunately refused this, and we continued having fights, and getting distant from each other.
Meanwhile things also fell apart with the other guy too. He just couldn't wait for someone who may not come. I was in a really bad position and felt isolated from everyone.
I eventually took a break from my relationship (but only a personal break, which meant that I was behaving very distant to my bf, because there wasn't any other way for me to deal with the baggage i had). SInce focusing on my self, and trying to understand what I'm feeling and why, things turned better. I communicated my feelings to my bf, he understood that i felt left out and needed attention and care because I could not provided it to myself. And as regarding the other guy, even tho at the start it fet like I'll be losing something important if I dont end up with him, this wasn't the case. He still is a very nice friend of mine even tho we don't talk as much, but I quickly realised that he could not offer me more than the 10% I was missing. Some people come into your life to give, and some to take. If you don't take the time for yourself, to understand who in your life gives the most, and keep them, you will forever struggle and feel trapped.
My advice for you would be to not let yourself stay trapped in yout feelings. You have to find a way to 'compare' what (and who) is best for you. You might even realise that YOU are the best option the moment. That you don't need a relationshop, but experiences so to find who you truly are and to which kind of people you find confort in.
If I were in your shoes, I'd try to do what I should have done earlier in my case, which is to take sometime for myself, and let both of them know that you are confused and scared that if you don't priortise your feelings, you may and up hurting all 3 of you.
I know It's hard, and I know that some people may not like the sound of a 'break' from a relationship, but a break does not mean you can go ahead and cheat etc. It means that you take the time to understand how both of you work on your own, and if you feel better or worse apart from each other and the fights. You still communicate, and you still continue loving each other the same way, but sometimes we will never know if we are trully good in a situation if we don't try somehting else.
From that point you can ask the other boy what are his true feelings about you. Are they friendly? Are they romantic? And choose your decision, while having in mind your happiness as a priority.
This is always just an advice, and you can feel free to let me know your thoughts, whether you'd find it easy to follow it it or not, or whether you don't feel that a break or a true conversation would be a good idea!
I hope you feel better, and just keep in mind that you are young, and passionate! Love is another hard and confusing chapter in life, which unfortunately includes heartbreaks and up and downs.
But all downs have ups, it will get better