Becoming more relaxed during sex

One-in-a-million · January 2023

So I’m recently quite new to sex. And I’ve always found it to be quite an nerve racking experience mainly because I know that sometimes even if my mind is ok with something my body will sometimes react by flinching of tensing due to something that happened at school.

My first sexual partner was ok and although everything was consensual and he took my lead and let events unfold I was still extremely nervous about different things because I’d never had sex before and didn’t know what to expect or do although I didn’t tell him, I kinda wanted him to talk me through it… like not literally everything but I dunno just checking in and stuff like…

Unfortunately it seemed after our first time our conversations seemed to die and we didn’t see each other again. This was middle ish last year

So fast forward to recently and I’ve been speaking to someone else for a few months and the other night one thing led to another, again all consensual and also like last time he was aware I was nervous as hell which is why he didn’t initiate anything and I was the instigator. He seemed to be more in tune with me as if he noticed me tense or flinch or even just now and then and then he asked if I was ok, if what he was doing was ok etc etc.

The 2 experiences were both very different and although the first time I wasn’t particularly bothered by the experience, meaning it was ok but wasn’t what I expected and I wonder if it’s because for most of it I felt a tad uncomfortable and nervous and experienced quite a bit of pain.

the second time I felt more connected so it’s kind of bothered me that I wasn’t as relaxed as I wanted to be. I was fine and enjoyed what was going on but I knew I wasn’t 100% relaxed and I think he knew too, which is probably partly the reason he was checking in.

So my question is does anyone have any tips on how to get my body to relax during intimacy?

jess63 · January 2023

Hi @One-in-a-million, well done for reaching out to the community, thats really brave of you.

I'm hearing that you are struggling with intimacy as you feel like your body isn't 100% relaxed. That sounds tough. I think it sounds really positive that your partner was checking in with you. How would you feel about speaking to your partner and telling him how you are feeling? I think sometimes just letting the other person know how you're feeling can help people feel less worried.

The mix also have loads of article on sex, I'll attach the link to them here if you want to have a look https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/having-sex. I also found an article by teen health source about how to be more present during sex again I'll link it here https://teenhealthsource.com/blog/how-to-be-more-present-during-sex/

Please keep us updated with how you are feeling

One-in-a-million · January 2023

@jess63 thank you so much for your reply, I have chatted with him and explained that although I don’t feel 100% relaxed body wish, my mind is with it. He seems to be really supportive so hopefully with time things will just get a little easier.

Also thank you for the links I shall take a look at them

RenP · January 2023

@One-in-a-million

Thank you for sharing

It's really positive that you've spoken about this on here, and also incredibly healthy that you've been able to communicate this with him. I would say that the fact he is checking in on you shows he is conscious of how you feel, but also to me shows that he would genuinely care if you weren't comfortable in doing something and be respectful of boundaries. It sounds really healthy.

I would say from my experience that sex with each person is different. My first boyfriend I think I pretended to enjoy it but it didn't really do anything for me, and it was painful at times. I think that's pretty standard when you are navigating that world for the first time. You say you're new to it, so remember that. Like with any new experience, we learn as we go, and things will happen naturally, as long as it feels right to do so. Even the words you are using such as feeling more 'connected' and him being more 'in tune' with you. I guess, allow yourself time. Do you feel comfortable with him outside of sex?

Do you think that your sexual experiences with your previous partner has affected those with your current partner?

Maybe you could try an exercise where you think of general things that make you feel more present, not relating to sex but just day to day, then see if you can practice one of those things during sex. You say it's bothering you that you aren't as relaxed as you want to be, so it sounds like your mind is pretty active through that time and there may be anxieties surrounding it, which could be your body's natural response to tense up. Maybe you could try an exercise where you write sex or intimacy (or whatever word you want) in the middle of a sheet of paper and see what comes to mind.

One thing that could really help is progressive muscle relaxation - my mind is most active at night so I do this to help me get to sleep. It basically involves going through each body part, tensing and then relaxing. It not only helps bring your mind back to your body, but also could be good if your body is tensing, to go through each part and exhale as you relax each part. So rather than a whole, divide it up into sections. There are guided videos you can watch on YouTube. Maybe try it before bed one day, see what you think of it, then if you feel comfortable with the idea, try it when you are physically intimate.

Sorry if this message is super long and a lot to digest! I hope it helps you in some way

Becoming more relaxed during sex

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