A conversation I had with my cousin

spoon · June 2022

I do want to start off by saying that my cousin is great, very kind logical person.

The past few days have been bothering me a little bit. I saw my cousin and her family a few days ago and I had found the time to speak to her about stuff in general (while pushing her baby in a swing lol). We ended up talking about things like marriage and she asked if I wanted to. She mentioned if that would be kind of soon (I'm 18 so I guess she would be expecting early to mid 20s). I said I don't, or I don't consider it a big deal. We're Bengali, so most people get an arranged marriage. I know I wouldn't ever be forced to by the way, arranged marriages aren't the same thing obvs, but I know I would never ever want an arranged marriage and I would refuse to even meet whoever is suggested. Anyways, kind of went on a tangent. So, I said I don't really want to get married. She acted surprised and said, "Really? But you're shy!"

I know I'm shy. I don't know if I have anxiety because I never got diagnosed though it seems somewhat likely. However, I think I come a long way and it's not too late to grow more confidence, the fact that I will do my last A level on Monday and will be doing a course I will hopefully enjoy, get a job and all that. I'm hoping that I do okay in life, without marriage. I want to be independent. I hate the implication that I will struggle in life due to my shyness if I don't get married. I believe that self-reliance is an important skill and I'm willing to learn that. However, I feel like this brought my confidence down a bit, it's making me feel incapable of moving forward in life when I had so much hope. I just told her that I want to find myself and I guess she was understanding about it? I said I'm more independent than I seem and that the fact that I'm very kept to myself was a bit of an advantage for me in some ways. I don't know why this bothers me so much, it was only a tiny conversation on that before we moved on to a different topic anyway. I'm going to do everything I can, maybe save up enough to go to Spain as a holiday with my friend to prove I can be independent, but to be honest, I don't know how likely that is. One day hopefully.

kaii · June 2022

Heya @spoon , thank you so much for sharing this with us, you're very brave for doing this

It's great how you're so self-aware of what you want and don't want right now. It's understandable how this conversation bothers you since we can't help but wonder what our futures will be like from now. There will be more unknown challenges and obstacles that we'll face - so I understand how worrying and scary it may be to think about now.

What you said was right - it's never too late to grow more confidence. And I really like how you're giving yourself some credit too - you really have come a long way. It takes a lot of time and courage to grow a lot of confidence, and as you grow up, I'm sure that your confidence will improve too if you put your mind to it ^^ of course there's nothing wrong with being shy at all. Like you said, shyness and independence are advantages in some circumstances, and the same goes for confidence.

It's understandable to feel discouraged about wondering if you're capable of moving forward in life. As someone who's also shy and independent like you, I thought before that people like us would find it difficult to get through life. But I learned that this is not true at all. Most of us can thrive well in quiet environments, most of us like to make deep connections with people, most of us think before acting, the list goes on. You won't struggle in life because of this. I'm not sure if you want to get married eventually after your 20s, but if you don't and feel disheartened sometimes, marriage isn't essential in order to live a fulfilling life. There are so many people in the world who stay single for their own reasons, and they are content with this.

It's great to know that your cousin understands you wanting to find yourself first ^^ allowing some time for yourself first is great since you're still young - you just want to make the most of your life, and there's nothing wrong with that at all.

Best of luck with your last A level on Monday! And with your future plans too, I really hope that everything works out for you

spoon · June 2022

kaii wrote: »

Heya @spoon , thank you so much for sharing this with us, you're very brave for doing this

It's great how you're so self-aware of what you want and don't want right now. It's understandable how this conversation bothers you since we can't help but wonder what our futures will be like from now. There will be more unknown challenges and obstacles that we'll face - so I understand how worrying and scary it may be to think about now.

What you said was right - it's never too late to grow more confidence. And I really like how you're giving yourself some credit too - you really have come a long way. It takes a lot of time and courage to grow a lot of confidence, and as you grow up, I'm sure that your confidence will improve too if you put your mind to it ^^ of course there's nothing wrong with being shy at all. Like you said, shyness and independence are advantages in some circumstances, and the same goes for confidence.

It's understandable to feel discouraged about wondering if you're capable of moving forward in life. As someone who's also shy and independent like you, I thought before that people like us would find it difficult to get through life. But I learned that this is not true at all. Most of us can thrive well in quiet environments, most of us like to make deep connections with people, most of us think before acting, the list goes on. You won't struggle in life because of this. I'm not sure if you want to get married eventually after your 20s, but if you don't and feel disheartened sometimes, marriage isn't essential in order to live a fulfilling life. There are so many people in the world who stay single for their own reasons, and they are content with this.

It's great to know that your cousin understands you wanting to find yourself first ^^ allowing some time for yourself first is great since you're still young - you just want to make the most of your life, and there's nothing wrong with that at all.

Best of luck with your last A level on Monday! And with your future plans too, I really hope that everything works out for you

thanks

tbh i dont know if im all that independent, maybe in some ways. i will do what i can tho to develop my sense of self further

kaii · June 2022

I wish you good luck with that

of course no one can be 100% independent since there's gonna be some situations where you need some help from someone which is totally fine

Stellaluna · July 2022

@spoon Absolutely have faith that you will be independent, and you are talking small steps towards becoming the person you want to be. This may take time by acquiring skills, money, experience, education, and social networking over years. There is no pressure to prove anything to anyone else, as long as you feel good about yourself and know that you will get there one day. It is amazing you have ambitions of saving and going to Spain with friends, and having goals, for example making plans for the next steps after Alevels, are really important. Just because you feel shy now, it does not mean you have to feel this way forever. You can work on yourself and imagine what traits you wish to possess and work towards expressing these, for example wanting to become more confident or outgoing. This might involve placing yourself in new situations and social environments where you feel uncomfortable at first, but over time you can learn to expand your comfort zone.
Also, if you wish to embrace your shyness as a superpower, know there are advantages of being shy including being a good listener, being thoughtful, empathetic, thinking before acting, being humble, being approachable, having a calming influence, and being observant of others. These qualities associated with being shy can set you up for being a great friend, partner or employee which can help with moving yourself towards becoming independent.

spoon · July 2022

Stellaluna wrote: »

@spoon Absolutely have faith that you will be independent, and you are talking small steps towards becoming the person you want to be. This may take time by acquiring skills, money, experience, education, and social networking over years. There is no pressure to prove anything to anyone else, as long as you feel good about yourself and know that you will get there one day. It is amazing you have ambitions of saving and going to Spain with friends, and having goals, for example making plans for the next steps after Alevels, are really important. Just because you feel shy now, it does not mean you have to feel this way forever. You can work on yourself and imagine what traits you wish to possess and work towards expressing these, for example wanting to become more confident or outgoing. This might involve placing yourself in new situations and social environments where you feel uncomfortable at first, but over time you can learn to expand your comfort zone.
Also, if you wish to embrace your shyness as a superpower, know there are advantages of being shy including being a good listener, being thoughtful, empathetic, thinking before acting, being humble, being approachable, having a calming influence, and being observant of others. These qualities associated with being shy can set you up for being a great friend, partner or employee which can help with moving yourself towards becoming independent.

Thanks, though I don't think I would be able to afford to go to Spain lol. One day though b:

A conversation I had with my cousin

Comments