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Intrusive and obsessive thoughts - help!!
eve1234567890
Posts: 15 Settling in
Hi everyone I’m completely new here. I would like to share what I’ve been going through for the past two months. Just for reference I’m a 16 year old girl who hasn’t been diagnosed with anything apart from anxiety.
My ‘intrusive thoughts’ are not flashes of images or scenes as such, they are more of a constant ‘what if?’ that is always playing on my mind. They always seem to centre around the fear of suddenly being attracted to things that i am not, and should not, be attracted to. For example, children, family members, animals. At one point I even convinced myself I was attracted to my dog which honestly just seems silly and almost laughable now. The most significant one and the one that is upsetting me the most at the minute is the one regarding children/ worrying that I might become a pedophile. I just want to make it clear that I’ve never been attracted or felt any attraction towards any of these things, and the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach and really upsets me. I’ve never even had a sexual thought about any of these things so these fears seem to have come from nowhere. It has gotten to the point that even seeing a child on tv or on instagram triggers the ‘oh god, what if I’m secretly attracted to this child?’ thought and it’s breaking me apart because I know I am not, and never have been attracted to children. I hate pedophiles with a passion, and having a younger sister who is online a lot has increased this fear of them. This leads me to believe that maybe the ‘what if?’ thought has been brought on by the fear of becoming the thing that I fear and hate the most, the same way in which people worry they will grow up to become a serial killer or something? When I experience the thought I often aggressively shake my head and think ‘no stop that’s disgusting! Of course I’m not’ but by then I am already stuck in the obsessive thought loop.
I am a massive over thinker and I have diagnosed anxiety which leads me to be constantly questioning every aspect of myself and every thought I have. My brain tries to trick me into thinking my thoughts mean something about me which I know they do not. However, although I understand that the thoughts are intrusive and irrational, I still obsess over them and feel a constant guilt for even thinking ‘what if?’ in the first place. I KNOW that I am not a pedophile, I know I am not attracted to children, family members, animals or anything of the sort, so why do I still have this constant rumination and anxiety over it? When I experience these thoughts I tend to search the internet to read other people stories with the same problem as me as a form reassurance that I am not a monster and I am not alone. However, I later found out that reassurance seeking may be a compulsion which led me to believe that I could possibly have OCD? I’m not sure though because this is the only ‘compulsion’ I have. I just want to feel normal again and forget any of this ever happened. I know I’m not a bad person, I know that these thoughts are intrusive and don’t mean anything about me, so why do I continue to obsess over them and feel constantly guilty?
When I think about it, I have always experienced obsessive thoughts throughout my life. I would constantly worry I was a bad person and that I was horrible to people and no one liked me, despite having lots of friends and being told that I’m a lovely person. (TW for this next bit, I don’t want to trigger a new intrusive thought for anyone). I also used to obsess over the possibility of getting sick and would constantly think ‘oh no, what if there are worms living inside me?’ As silly as this may sound, this particular thought constantly looks plagued my mind as a child.
Although I am still struggling I feel a lot better after writing everything down. I really just need some advice on how to let the thoughts pass and not feel guilty over them because this is ruining my life. I KNOW the thoughts are intrusive and don’t mean anything about me but I still can’t seem to let them go and it just leads me into a panic. Please help!!
My ‘intrusive thoughts’ are not flashes of images or scenes as such, they are more of a constant ‘what if?’ that is always playing on my mind. They always seem to centre around the fear of suddenly being attracted to things that i am not, and should not, be attracted to. For example, children, family members, animals. At one point I even convinced myself I was attracted to my dog which honestly just seems silly and almost laughable now. The most significant one and the one that is upsetting me the most at the minute is the one regarding children/ worrying that I might become a pedophile. I just want to make it clear that I’ve never been attracted or felt any attraction towards any of these things, and the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach and really upsets me. I’ve never even had a sexual thought about any of these things so these fears seem to have come from nowhere. It has gotten to the point that even seeing a child on tv or on instagram triggers the ‘oh god, what if I’m secretly attracted to this child?’ thought and it’s breaking me apart because I know I am not, and never have been attracted to children. I hate pedophiles with a passion, and having a younger sister who is online a lot has increased this fear of them. This leads me to believe that maybe the ‘what if?’ thought has been brought on by the fear of becoming the thing that I fear and hate the most, the same way in which people worry they will grow up to become a serial killer or something? When I experience the thought I often aggressively shake my head and think ‘no stop that’s disgusting! Of course I’m not’ but by then I am already stuck in the obsessive thought loop.
I am a massive over thinker and I have diagnosed anxiety which leads me to be constantly questioning every aspect of myself and every thought I have. My brain tries to trick me into thinking my thoughts mean something about me which I know they do not. However, although I understand that the thoughts are intrusive and irrational, I still obsess over them and feel a constant guilt for even thinking ‘what if?’ in the first place. I KNOW that I am not a pedophile, I know I am not attracted to children, family members, animals or anything of the sort, so why do I still have this constant rumination and anxiety over it? When I experience these thoughts I tend to search the internet to read other people stories with the same problem as me as a form reassurance that I am not a monster and I am not alone. However, I later found out that reassurance seeking may be a compulsion which led me to believe that I could possibly have OCD? I’m not sure though because this is the only ‘compulsion’ I have. I just want to feel normal again and forget any of this ever happened. I know I’m not a bad person, I know that these thoughts are intrusive and don’t mean anything about me, so why do I continue to obsess over them and feel constantly guilty?
When I think about it, I have always experienced obsessive thoughts throughout my life. I would constantly worry I was a bad person and that I was horrible to people and no one liked me, despite having lots of friends and being told that I’m a lovely person. (TW for this next bit, I don’t want to trigger a new intrusive thought for anyone). I also used to obsess over the possibility of getting sick and would constantly think ‘oh no, what if there are worms living inside me?’ As silly as this may sound, this particular thought constantly looks plagued my mind as a child.
Although I am still struggling I feel a lot better after writing everything down. I really just need some advice on how to let the thoughts pass and not feel guilty over them because this is ruining my life. I KNOW the thoughts are intrusive and don’t mean anything about me but I still can’t seem to let them go and it just leads me into a panic. Please help!!
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Comments
If you don't mind, I'd like to ask a little more about your fears - I'm no expert, but I do have a little experience, and maybe exploring them will help you figure out why you feel as you do. You mentioned that you fear that you're a terrible person, that nobody likes you. Do you find that fearing how other people view you comes up often in your anxieties? I ask because it seems like your fears regarding attraction all centre around what is taboo and widely unaccepted. They are all things which people find universally repulsive, and perhaps your anxieties are rooted in the fear that people will be repulsed by you.
It's very important for you to know, that thoughts are just that - thoughts. It is your actions that properly define who you are. The "what if" mentality is awful, and I've come to find it is a common theme with anxiety. You're not alone in feeling the way you do, and there are many who can give you their own stories on what they fear and obsess about. The main take from all of these stories is that the "what if" scenarios that go through people's heads are always negative, and almost always false, distorted versions of reality.
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I understand that, and just know that you're not alone. It sounds like you worry about the reaction of others more than anything else. That's something I empathise with a lot. For example, fearing the negative spotlight from others so much, that your brain starts to develop ideas for scenarios in which that negativity would be forced upon you. They may start as small thoughts, but dedicating too much time to them and becoming obsessive, twists and warps those thoughts into ones that are self destructive and untrue.
Trying to look for others to help challenge your thoughts is an amazing step to take, and you should be very proud. You don't seem like a bad person to me, and if you'll indulge me in a little logic exercise - the fact that this is what you've been obsessing about so much means that you know and understand they are wrong. That on some level they are abhorrent to you too. The fact that you don't want to be those things shows that you aren't like that at all. If you'd like to confirm this to yourself, go through and write down all the reasons why they're wrong. If you can do that, then you know it isn't true of you.
Thank you for your help, I did what you suggested and it definitely helped me rationalise things. I know my thoughts are just thoughts and mean nothing about me but the irrational side of my brain tried to convince me they did. I am not my thoughts! I’ve calmed down a bit now and my minds not racing as much so thank you
You're welcome
All the best!
I realised that after I posted but I just left it hahahha but thank you!
There's also a tiny cogwheel at the bottom right of your posts - if you press that you can edit your post if you made any mistakes. Good luck on the boards!
Thank you so much for sharing with us!
Reading your experience has hit home with me because I often have these types of thoughts, and it's so bad, I find myself self-sabotaging just to put these thoughts to rest. I struggle to share them - I'm aware that it's irrational and I'm stuck in this cycle of self-loathing.
However, like @Supernova said, it is your actions that properly define who you are.
What you said here: I can relate, a lot. I've experienced sexual abuse as a child and I panic a lot when I see stories about pedophiles, grooming, etc cos I'm thinking 'Oh God, am I doing that?' 'Am I becoming one of them?' And just to specify here - fuck pedophiles with a passion.
You sound like a lovely person who's got a lot on their mind, and it's horrifying when these thoughts become something much worse. ❤
When I get intrusive thoughts, it helps to talk to someone you trust about it. I believe there are also helplines that can help too (I'll share them when I get back from work).
It might help to keep a journal too. Whenever you're experiencing intrusive and obsessive thoughts, provide an outlet for them by writing them down until you can't anymore.
You don't have to read them again - as long as your mind feels clear afterwards then it's all good.
I hope you're doing well.
We're here for you.
Thank you so much for your reply, it makes me feel better that someone is going through a similar thing! It’s so difficult when you’re constantly worrying about something that you know just is not true but it still won’t leave you alone… I will definitely try the journaling idea so thank you for that.