Things I've been thinking about lately

**long post

"if no one in the entire world cared about you did you exist at all?"

I don't know why I'm writing this but I am. There are times in my life when I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a busy road knowing completely well that I'll get hit if I don't move but I don't. Not because I want to die but because I don't know what else to do. I know no one is going to come and save me I have got to do that my self. It makes me tremble. To think back. I remember how exactly I thought life would be but boy I was so dumb and naive.
I love everyone except myself. I've been to hard on myself. Blaming, punishing, pushing, breaking. I look in the mirror but I don't recognize myself anymore. I still smile, still laugh at the most stupid thing, still make jokes but at the end of the day I'm not me.

I expected my family to understand how I feel. They have known me for the longest so they should know me the best but guess what I was wrong. My friends don't care either. Now don't get me wrong here I love my friends and they care about me too but I'm not the most important person for them. They've got better friends better best friends. I'm no one's priority. I'm not the first person someone thinks about in the morning, not a person someone look forward to talk, not someone's last thoughts at night, not someone people dream about. To some extent I'm okay with it but there's a small part of me that too wish to be loved. To know what it's like to have someone who actually care about my existence. Now by love I do not mean I want a boyfriend or girlfriend I want someone more than just stupid labels. Someone who cares and understand. I need a father, I need a mother, I need some older wiser being to cry to. I talk to god but the sky is empty.

I'm not the prettiest person, not the smartest, sometimes not the kindest either. I know my imperfections and flaws. Everyone keeps reminding me about them anyways. But am i so bad? To be hated by everyone in my life. To not have a single person to hold on to when darkness engulfs me. To not have a single person to be glad that I am still alive. I am afraid I don't have any real desires.

I lay awake till 3 am cursing and blaming myself for everything. For being the poison in everyone's life, for not being good enough. Blaming myself for the mistake my parents did. There are days from my past still haunting me. Nightmares not letting me sleep. I would give anything up to erase those days from my life. Is it all my fault? Am I the reason my family is messed up? Am I reason for everyone's sadness? Should I just go away? Will they be happy once am gone? Will I ever find the answer to these questions?

People ask me how I am I just say fine. It's feels like a lie. But they never care enough to look in to the sadness and hurt in my eyes. But why would they care I'm no one to them. Just a dim light in distance. Flickering and getting dimmer with each day passing.

I feel invisible. It's like I'm fading. No one notices. I get lost easily and there is no one to guide me home or is it because I don't have a home. I wonder if anyone has noticed I've gone missing right before their eyes.