Visiting home and my mum

I wrote this a few days ago but the concerns are still there. I’m now home and it’s the first time I’ve visited since I was sexually abused at home. So it’s a lot.

Sometimes the world is shit. Full stop. At the moment it is feeling slightly less shit. Exams are done, I have time to breathe and nap and do stuff I want. I’ve been watching a lot of stand up comedy and omg I don’t think I ever realised how good it was to laugh. But at the same time there is a risk. I risk that I sweep everything under the carpet, blame the last few weeks on exam stress and just try to be better without making any concrete change. And right now my big fear is going home. I was buying Mother’s Day presents the other day and my friend was asking why I’m bothering. It’s not like she’s been my mum but at the same time she is my mum. I texted them yesterday to let them know about train times. And to tell them my exams had finished and they didn’t even acknowledge that. Not that that’s a problem. Just that it weighs on me a bit that I’ve been asked more about how I am and how exams are going by literally everyone else. And it makes me feel like she doesn’t care. And so makes me more reluctant to go home. Because I’m going back to a place I feel unsafe and right now I need to feel safe. I need to know someone will give me a hug and let me cry. But home just isn’t that anymore if it ever was. So instead I’m afraid and that shouldn’t be so

Aj x