I’m not doing well

I’m just done, up until now I’ve battled through lockdown like everyone else, my mental health has been like a yo yo and finally I feel myself cracking.

Up to now I’ve sort of managed with not seeing my family and friends but the more I struggle with my mental health the more difficult it has become to the point where for my own sanity and well-being I feel like I need to see them.

Those of you who have gotten to know me will know just how close I am to my cousins, they are my world and I’d do anything for them.

I received a phone call on Thursday saying they would be seeing my nan for her birthday (I had been dropping shopping off for nan so I see her regular just not inside)
Me, our nan and my cousins would be outside and distancing of course. I was over the moon at the thought of seeing them, I’d been having a iffy week so I was ok but not great. As soon as I realised could at least stand and talk to them instead of behind a screen (even though I couldn’t hug them) my spirits lifted.

I was happily talking to my manager at work and told her this news, I reassured her we’d be distancing but that I was so happy to be able to see them. I have a great relationship with the managers so you can imagine how shocked and deeply upset I was when she texted me this morning advising me not to go. She said she wasn’t trying to be mean or be the moaning manager but pointed out that by meeting them and/or my nan id be breaking government rules and the works COVID policy. I was so torn, I hadn’t seen them since I took their Christmas presents up and that was only a very quick exchange this may be the only chance I’d see them until households can mix again which won’t be for a while yet.

I decided I didn’t want to risk getting in trouble and rang them to say I wouldn’t be coming. I could hear the disappointment and sadness in their voice and I had to fight with myself not to break down.

I wish I never said anything about seeing them, I would have gone to see them and no one would know.


I’m sick of people telling me “we are all in the same boat.” or “you are lucky that you live with family some people are alone.”

I know this but it doesn’t automatically make me feel any different just because you say it I don’t go “Oh my god yeah, I feel much better you have said that .”
I can’t help that it’s dragged me down.


I’m also fed up of “blame it on Covid,” I know that COVID had made my mental health worse but when I talk about it a lot of people including my doctor (who then didn’t help)
Say “yeah I think COVID has made everyone feel down.” 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ Again I know it has bit like I say I had started to struggle before all this shit. Not all mental health is due to COVID but COVID just adds fuel to the fire.

Don’t get me wrong my managers have been fantastic in regards to my mental health and well-being and I have become good friends with them, but I wish I hadn’t told them about this weekends plan. I told my mum and she acted like the manager was being nasty and that it had nothing to do with her. I can see where my manager is coming from but it still hurts.


Anyway I’m worried about when I go back work they will ask if I’m ok due to agreeing not to see them after knowing how happy and excited I was. Or that they will want to talk to me in regards to me even thinking about it and if I knew the policy blah blah blah.

I know if I’m questioned I’ll just break down and cry, about like just before I posted this. But I don’t want to sound rude by saying “I don’t want to talk about it” when asked about it