The best and worst year of my life! (appologies in advance, its a long one)

Hey everyone!! I haven’t really been on here for a while, but I hope to be back on here for a while as I know finding the board and being on them has really helped me over the past year and I really love it over here. Over the past few months or so I’ve really become quite passionate about making sure others don’t feel so alone and have someone there for them, I’ve always loved helping others but I’ve found it’s something that really gives me joy and gives me more of a purpose in the world.

Back in March 2020 I felt so alone and detached from everyone, I cut contact with almost everyone I knew and stopped responding to my friends messages, I was struggling but I didn’t want them to feel my pain, I didn’t want to make their lives worse because of my suffering. I had a traumatic last day of Sixth Form and then lockdown came, I thought it was great it just made it easier to stop having to talk to people, I no longer had to hide from teachers and my peers pretending everything was okay. For once I had my own space and time to do what ever I needed to do. I hid away in my room until I saw a dance teacher I’ve been following on Instagram had started teaching dance classes online over zoom, lets call them H (for hope). Finally, something to pull me out of bed. My dance school closed when lockdown began and took a while to start up zoom classes, I was heartbroken, the only thing that kept me going had been stripped away from me, I honestly didn’t know what to do until I found H, I started taking their classes and before long I was in love, I felt like I had found the right place for me. I felt encouraged, confident, welcomed and started to not feel so alone, things I had not felt in a very long time.

Things were still pretty rough, I stopped sleeping properly, my panic attacked where happening daily, I had a lot of other personal issues going on. I went week after week feeling so down and hopeless, I kept falling, over and over again into the same big black hole falling deeper every time. I forced myself to get up each day by booking as many dance classes with as many teachers I could find as often as possible (some weeks dancing over 20 hours) it was my escape, my happy place and looking back I am so grateful for having online classes available to me.

At the end of April I stumbled across TheMix whilst trying to find somewhere I would feel safe and accepted, somewhere I could feel a little less alone, and that is exactly what TheMix did. I found people that understood me and I started to realise there was hope and I wasn’t alone. Over the following months I continually joined group chat and posted on the boards, I had found another safe haven and felt a sense of relief. I still wasn’t feeling myself, I was still struggling to hold on but just having people that understood me and supported me was nice so I held on a little longer.

May started off good, I had TheMix, and I had found another online dance school I loved and took so many classes a week and dance was no longer just my safe haven and escape it was the one thing I truly loved and was passionate about again after not feeling that way for months. I even started to talk to a few of my friends again, I was so lovely. But by the end of May I was falling again I stopped communicating again, I stayed awake till the sun came up afraid to fall asleep and never wake up again but I was secretly not wanting to wake up again. I became so paranoid, worse than I had ever felt before. I was terrified, I had experienced some of these things before but not on this scale, I constantly felt like someone was watching me, following me, like any moment now someone was going to jump out of nowhere and attack me, I didn’t feel safe anywhere, not even my own house. It was too much. Then one of my friends reached out to me and for some reason I engaged in conversation, someone had been thinking about me, I hadn’t been forgotten about.

Throughout the next few months I continued to use TheMix, took as many dance classes as humanly possible and slowly started to talk to a couple of friends again. Things weren’t great but they slowly seemed to get better. I was still having daily panic attacks and breakdowns and school started to creep back in again which I couldn’t deal with, but I started to realise I really wasn’t alone at all and I had so many people around me and how I felt was valid. I communicated more and by the end of August I was feeling more like myself than I had in a very long time (probably in over 2-3 years)

Around this time us girls who took classes with H decided to make group chats to get to know each other, we had been dancing online together for months, some of us, but we didn’t really know who each other was. This was one of the best times of my entire life. I can now say roughly 5 months later I have met some of my best friends through these group chats and even though we may not live super close to one another we zoom almost daily and are constantly messaging and these amazing girls have really helped me to get to where I am today. I know none of them will see this but I just really appreciate everything they have done for me.

Over the past few months I’ve really started to love myself again and appreciate everything I have and I’m so proud of how far I’ve come. Yes I struggle sometimes but the good now out ways the bad and I’ve learn't to cope with how I'm feeling and accept myself no matter what.

I have learn't so much from this past year and I now am actively choosing to celebrate the greatness that has come from 2020. I have met incredible people, been able to do the things I love, and above everything I have learn't that through all struggles there is a light shining at the end of the tunnel, whether you see it yet or not. There is and will always be hope, and with this new outlook I’m trying to keep my days as positive as I can. I like to think I can bring positivity into the world and I’ve started reaching out to more people to check in on them and have a chat, I now know what being buried at the bottom of a large very dark hole feels like and I hope that now I’ve gotten myself out I can try and help others do the same.

So I think I’ll be back around here for a while maybe not so much for the support I used to seek out so hopelessly before but to give back more than anything, you helped me when I needed you most and now I want to help you too. I may still have my troubles from time to time, but for now (and hopefully for a long time) they aren’t anything I’m scared to fight because I know I’m strong enough to win now. 

Sorry for the ridiculously long post, I got a bit carried away tehe and to be honest I'm not really sure of the reason for posting this, I guess I just wanted to let it out and summarise my year briefly, a lot really has happened, and I can now definitely say 2020 has been the best and also the worst year of my life. I hope that I will be able to bring some sparkle and joy into your life and we cant tackle this new year together!! Thank you so much for everyone on here, I will never be more grateful for everything!! I appreciate you all so much and you are all worth so much never forget that!!  

Don’t forget to have a good day!!