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birthday anxiety, driving anxiety...a ball of anxiety!

coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 634 Incredible Poster
hiii, sorry in advance if this is a long post! just got a lot in my head at the minute so thought it would be good to let it all out and would love to hear other people's words of wisdom if that's okay please :heart:

Birthday Anxiety
Tomorrow is my birthday and, whilst I usually love birthdays, this year I feel so anxious/kinda down about it for a few reasons. So, I broke up with my long term boyfriend a few months ago and honestly the guilt of breaking his heart (and my heart, but the guilt is about him) is absolutely tearing me apart. He is such a lovely soul, it makes me so upset even just writing this, and it had effects on me that I never could have anticipated. I have always been seen as a friendly, caring, smiley person and the fact that's how people saw me made me feel really good about myself. But now, because I can see how much he is hurting, I really struggle to believe any of those things about myself. I just feel like such a bad person, and even if somebody tells me otherwise I just can't believe it at all. I think if I'm really that kind and caring, how could I break someone's heart? It wasn't even an unfriendly breakup, it was amicable (just not mutual), but ahhh it's really messed with the way I see my identity - I really don't love the person I am. So, I feel weird about celebrating this year of my life when I'm not celebrating me in my mind if that makes sense? I also feel anxious because, firstly, I saw how much my best friend struggled with her ex's birthday because it was the first big event where they were apart, so I'm really worried incase he struggles with mine. And secondly, it must be weird for me too having that gap in my day. Long story short, I don't feel great about myself so feel uncomfortable celebrating, and I'm worried about how it will be as the first big event. 

Driving Anxiety
Second anxiety is major driving anxiety! I've been taking driving lessons and have booked my test for early Jan. I have now found out that my driving instructor is getting a new car the day before my test, so I would have to test in that new car instead. So my options are to do that, or I can start taking lessons in my own car (very recently got my own) and test in that. I think it makes logical sense to test in my own car, but I am so so worried. Basically, a few days ago I went for a drive in my own car with my mum. At a roundabout I judged that I had time to go before another car, so I went (and my mum didn't tell me otherwise so I assumed safe), but clearly I did not as the other car came speeding along and massively beeped me. My mum shrieked out of fear because she thought we were going to crash, and said that she wouldn't have gone if she was me, so all I heard was beeping and shrieking and I was so terrified! I just put my foot down to get away asap, and everything was fine the cars didn't touch at all, but it terrified me and added to my guilt about myself because I just felt so silly and ashamed for making such a dangerous mistake! I've been out a couple of times since and have developed an absolute fear of roundabouts, the minute I see any car I get so overwhelmed and don't seem to want to go. It's also massively affected my driving skills in my car, I feel like I've just forgotten how to drive a car altogether. So now I'm a bit nervous to suggest testing in my own car, because then we'd start taking lessons in my own car and I dont want my instructor to think why on earth can't she drive in this car, this is bad we have a test booked, and obviously if anything happens my instructor won't have dual controls in my car so that terrifies me. So I just feel super anxious about driving altogether, about my test, and I just keep playing the sound of the beep and shriek in my head over and over again - the way I'm processing it you'd think we actually did crash!

So I'm just finding it really hard to relax at all really. Any thoughts would be really appreciated please, thank you so much for taking the time to read all of this it really means a lot :heart:
errrin_Johnjurlew4111Emoji246

Comments

  • errrinerrrin Posts: 104 The Mix Convert
    Hi @coc0mac it sounds like you’ve really got a lot on your plate right now. I know you probably won’t believe me but I do believe you’re a wonderful caring person, you’ve really helped me a lot. I’m just sorry I’m not that great at advice. I understand  how hard everything must be , and I know this probably won’t change anything but as horrible as it must feel to see your ex in pain I believe you did the right thing. Even though it’s incredibly hard it’s better to let someone go than to stay in a relationship you’re not happy in whatever the reason may be. Have you got plans for tomorrow? a distraction maybe? 

    I don’t have any advice for driving anxiety as I’m putting off learning as long as I can. Sorry this wasn’t very helpful. But if you ever need someone to listen I’m here. You’re  a beautiful soul and I wish you all the best.  :)
    coc0mac_Johnjurlew4111
  • _John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
    Hey @coc0mac ,

    First of all, I hope you're feeling okay since your breakup, although I've yet to start the relationship with someone for the first time. I don't how to deal with this if I were you but maybe it's okay to just move on and get yourself some time and space on whatever you like to do, knowing that getting into a relationship occupies a lot of your free time if I am right.

    I'm sorry to hear about your driving sessions. I know that roundabouts requires all of your judgement and it can bug a lot of people when not knowing where the car is going. Whether they use signals from their indicators before they exit or they continue to speed along the roundabout if they aren't signaling until which exit they choose. Everyone has those moments where they pictured the scenario on their head thinking what is the worst possible outcome if they made a mistake, I had those moments too where I could've been in a serious accident (only twice) since I passed my driving test so its best to just let it go and forget about it.

    Also, I don't know if you've heard a youtuber called Chris from World Driving. His guides are amazing and hoping you find useful so you know where to find him on YouTube. You said you were worried about your instructor getting a new car which I can relate because you would feel more comfortable on the car you drove previously whether you're manual or automatic person, if you don't mind me asking. 

    Just wanted to say that I did all I could to understand in what you're saying, it took me a lot of thoughts and time to write this up since English isn't my first language. Personally, you helped me in the past and I give this support back to you. So thank you ever so much for the little things you've done and I hope you feel better soon. <3



    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
    coc0macerrrinjurlew4111
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 634 Incredible Poster
    edited October 25
    thank you so much @errrin, really means a lot and you have been very helpful! so I have a few different family members coming over, because of covid they'll all have to come at different times so that will definitely keep me busy throughout the day. and will be going for dinner with my parents/brother/sis-in-law too :smile: I was worried that it will be exhausting trying to keep a happy face on for everyone, but I think if I just see it as a positive distraction like you've said then that should be a better way of looking at things for sure - thank you :heart: 

    @_John I really appreciate the time you have spent to read through my thoughts and write a reply, thank you so much! Your English is great :smile: Keeping busy seems to help me with my breakup, so I'll be sure to keep that up. 

    I will try my best to let go of the driving scare, I think it helps to remember that I am not the only person who has done this before. World Driving sounds great, I am going to go and check Chris out now - thank you so much! I am sure that will help a lot. I drive a manual car :smile:

    Once again really appreciate your support, both John and Erin, thank you guys :heart:
    errrin_Johnjurlew4111
  • _John_John Posts: 80 Budding Regular
    I just really wanted to get this off my head and got my attention on you @coc0mac , so I wish you a very Happy Birthday today! 🥳 Hope you come back strong! 💪 

    "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak."  - Sun Tzu
    jurlew4111coc0mac
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 634 Incredible Poster
    Thank you so much @_John, I appreciate it! 
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