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i feel inhuman

yuckduckieyuckduckie Posts: 1 Literally just got here
My life is awful and it's destroying my soul. My living conditions suck and I spend most of my time being terrified of my live-in landlord. I would like to go back to my country, but that's almost impossible because I have a pet. I can't move somewhere else for the same reason. I just feel absolutely drained and I'm extremely sick of being scared 24/7.

I have a lot of anxiety which makes me very irritable, lazy, and careless. I almost feel like I've turned into a monster with the way I've been acting towards my mother. I yell and I say rude things because it's frustrating to be here and I don't like living with my mom in the same room. She constantly tries to rationalize my mental health issues, but she doesn't understand that my anxiety doesn't listen to her logic. She constantly compares herself with me, telling me that she's gone through far worse than me, but I don't really care. I'm only 19 years old, it shouldn't be that shocking that I can't handle certain things.

I hate that we're getting ready for a second lockdown and that I'll be starting my second year at university soon. I'm usually a good student, but I don't think I'll be able to cope with everything that is going on this semester. I just feel like there's nothing I can do and that I'm too tired to do the minor things that I can do to help my situation. 

I can't even go to therapy because I don't have money for it and I don't think it'll solve my housing issues anyways. I've tried signing up for some free sessions offered by my university, but I can't take them because I don't have a place where I can be alone to be able to talk to them.

I hate myself, I hate my life and I honestly don't really see the point anymore. I wish I could go back in time when my biggest worries were being ugly. I'd love to start worrying about that thing again instead of becoming homeless or being consumed by anxiety.


  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 958 Part of The Mix Family
    Hi @yuckduckie

    Welcome to the boards! Sounds like things are tough for you right now, so I'm glad you decided to reach out - we are right here to support you. So, before I get into my reply, sending huge hugs your way :heart:

    You say you are terrified of your live in landlord. Everybody deserves to live somewhere that makes them feel safe and supported. Would you feel comfortable sharing a little more about what makes you feel this way?

    It can be difficult when parents don't quite understand how we feel or how we'd like to be supported. It doesn't matter whether your mom has been through worse or not - comparing experiences doesn't devalue the way you feel at all. You have every right to be heard for how you do feel and supported appropriately. 

    You say you don't have money for therapy and feel it won't solve your housing issues anyway. There are free online alternatives for support where you won't necessarily need to be alone to talk as you won't need to speak out loud. I'll pop some links below, may not solve your housing issues but can be great for anxiety support :heart: I'm wondering, do you have a GP you could talk to about this also?

    • Samaritans Email - they always aim to reply within 24 hours, but in my experience they are usually much quicker than that :smile: 
    • The Mix Group Chat - various different support chats, or you could join the support circle for a smaller supportive group. 

    In terms of housing support, have you spoken to anybody about these worries before?

    I can really hear that things are tough right now, but I want you to know you are so strong and you really can get through this. You made a really great first step by reaching out to us here, and I really believe that there is support out there that can really help to make a difference. We are right here to support you every step of the way :heart:

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