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Things are not great

AllieAllie Posts: 235 Trailblazer
in Health & Wellbeing
Hello,

Things have changed, inside.  I dont know why.  I know im not here anymore, physically maybe but not inside.  Im not sure who i am, I dont enjoy anything, I either dont sleep or sleep too much, most of my time spent with the voices telling me many different things - mainly how Im a failure and this time i cant argue with them, I dont speak to people about my mental health anymore really because i dont know how to describe it and voices dont like me doing it, i cant even make simple decisions anymore.  I dont feel anything just flat, I was reminded of a close family friends 1 year death anniversary yesterday and my only reply was "Oh".  I know i used to have empathy for others but i dont even have that anymore. It feels like life is fading, like time has slowed down for me and sped up for others.  I took an OD a few days ago and went to sleep havent spoken to anyone about that.  I dont know how i feel or how to explain it, Im not the person I used to be or the person that people expected me to become.  I just dont really know anymore.  I havent slept yet, i think i need to now

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    tkdogtkdog Posts: 281 The Mix Regular
    Sorry to hear this  :/ I know how tough it can be to lose your sense of self or reality. 
    Often what helps for me at least it to try and reclaim your sense of identity and try new things even things you thought you wouldn't enjoy. Talking to new people or people who you don't usually to can help too or someone like a professional without ties to you. And just taking it slow, going for a walk and appreciating the small things.  Those are just suggestions ofc.
    You don't have to share all your feelings with everyone in fact often sometimes what u need is just support of sorts. Though we are always here to listen. You don't need to force yourself to feel for others and it can just be harmful. Self care is important and it's hard to do anything for anyone else when you first need to tend to yourself. And any voices there are not worthing listening to, you are valid and worthy. 

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    coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 1,054 Wise Owl
    Hi @Kai

    I'm sorry to hear you are struggling right now. These feelings sound really difficult, so I wanted to send big hugs and assure you that we are all right here to support you. :heart:

    I love @tkdog's response, so I would absolutely like to echo everything they have said.

     You say you don't like to speak about your mental health to others anymore, and that's okay. But at the same time, you really do deserve to be supported with these feelings. Would you consider seeking to your GP in the future at all...perhaps if you showed them this post, as you have articulated everything so well. Just as a starting point towards getting you some support. This is simply a question of course - you can take everything at a pace that makes you feel comfortable :heart:
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    JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,306 Part of The Furniture
    edited July 2020
    Adding to what others have said, I want to say it's totally reasonable to feel tired to the point of numbness or indifference towards life when you're dealing with mental illness long-term. Battling something like depression is exhausting and, after a point, it's normal for that to deplete your emotional energy. People here have talked about a similar thing before and it's very common to people who have been mentally unwell for a long time to feel an emotional numbness.

    None of this makes you a failure, @Kai. If anything, it shows you've been giving all your strength to your recovery for a long time. That doesn't sound like failure to me; quite the opposite. Fighting through this feeling you're talking about can be like wading through treacle, and the fact you're posting here means you're still moving forward. :star:    

    I dont know how i feel or how to explain it, Im not the person I used to be or the person that people expected me to become. 

    What person do you think you are now?

    The person we are changes every day, and almost nobody becomes the person people expect. :)
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    Hey Kai 
    how are you feeling now?  I hope you told someone about the OD. 
    I agree with mike. I feel like sometimes we Feel shit don’t care about any thing, like nothing matters. And that’s okay to feel. But you Definitely try to find someone to confine in. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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