I don’t know what to do

midnight_raven · July 2020

Hey.
At the minute, I feel so lonely and sad, my eyes feel on the verge of tears, and my mind is telling me all sorts of things like “I’m not good enough”. I’ve had an amazing day today, as I’ve been out with my dad today and I haven’t had quality time with him in a long time, but yet I still find myself feeling horrible now. It’s been like this for a while, no matter what I do, I can never feel long-term happiness. I feel it in bursts that never last more than 6 hours, and then I’m left feeling broken inside. I feel unmotivated, stuck, and like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
I’ve been told to go to the GP by friends who I’ve opened up to, but there are various reasons why I don’t. The biggest reason is that my mind tells me that I’m not worth the hassle, that I’d be wasting their time because it’s not as if I never feel happy. Another reason is how emotionally drained I feel, it’s almost like even if I want to open up, my mind just won’t let me.
I just feel so stuck and I don’t know what to do. So I was hoping I can get some advice from you guys. I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel sad by this, it wasn’t my intention. I just can’t bottle it up anymore.

Starlight · July 2020

Hey Midnight_raven! Welcome to the mix!! I hope you can find some support over here!

It sounds pretty tough for you right now, I feel like I'm in a similar situation to you right now, I know it can be really difficult whatever you're going through. I know it can often feel like it's not worth the hassle or worth disturbing your GP, that's why I'm yet to go as well, however, I can tell you know that you are worthy of getting support and having someone to speak to no matter how big or small whatever it is your dealing with if it worries you there is absolutely no reason why you should have to feel like your just wasting their time.

It's good to hear your still able to enjoy certain moments in your everyday life, do you ever worry about how long those "good moments" will last? I certainly do and that can be hard to deal with but every time you feel like your having a good time just try to stay in the moment take in as much of it as you can and just enjoy it.

If you plan on going to see your GP, I've been suggested to write a letter to them or write down how your feeling beforehand so then if you need to you can hand them the letter/writing so you don't have to say it all out as I know that can be difficult at times especially when you're not feeling your best. I have also directed to this website http://www.docready.org/#/home it guides you through what will happen in your appointment and has some really good advice/information which might be worth having a read. It also gives you a sheet to fill in and print out if you want of things you want to talk about so you don't miss anything out. Even if you don't feel ready to go speak to your GP yet it might be worth reading through it anyways.

I'm sorry if this didn't want you were wanting, I can only share so much as I feel like I'm in a very similar position to you, however, I'm more than willing to chat through it with you it might help me out as well. I'm also sure that there will be plenty of other amazing humans here that will be able to give you loads more information and advice and I hope you find what you need. Remember you are just as worthy of support as everyone else no matter how significant you think it is, and also please remember things will get better!! We're all here for you and I'm glad you found your way here!!

Sending loads of hugs your way

midnight_raven · July 2020

@Starlight When I’m in my happy moments, I do sometimes think about how long my good mood will last for, and sometimes I think that’s what influences my mood to change. But other times, when I’m around people, I tend not to think about how my mood will change, instead I always hope that it will last forever because I love the feeling of happiness- but it never does.

And I am so sorry that you find yourself in a similar position, as I hate being like this and wouldn’t wish it upon anyone in the world. I’m more than willing to talk with you as well, as I think it may help us both to get through this together. Thank you so much for your message, and I hope you also find yourself in a better place soon

Sending all the hugs your way

Starlight · July 2020

Ahh that's so good you can focus on the moment, it really does make a massive difference if you can! I hope your alright at the moment! Remember were all here behind you and your never alone!

Sending hugs your way!!

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/6030621/uploads/editor/7m/x0x9eljcxhp7.gif

I hope you receive them!!

JustV · July 2020

Adding to @Starlight's amazing post, I wanted to say there's a big difference between a nice feeling or a nice experience, like cuddling a dog or having a fun day out, and foundational happiness. Even the most depressed person can experience those little highs through the day, and getting yourself to a place where you have that longer term happiness or contentment in your life can be a big operation. Oftentimes people find counselling helps, maybe medication, or working on their personal growth and lifestyle.

Opening up for the first time is sometimes the hardest part of that whole process, and involves being really quite vulnerable with people you might not know very well. So it's okay if that's difficult and takes time for you to build up to. There are ways you can support yourself in talking to someone like a GP as @Starlight mentioned - writing things down is something loads of people find helpful. And hey, even talking to randomers online takes courage, so you're already winning.

I will say though: you're worth all of this @midnight_raven. Our brains like to be super unhelpful and tell us those things in low moments or when we consider taking those big steps that feel quite risky (like confiding in someone). The way you feel isn't your fault, and feeling low or doesn't decrease how much you're worth or say anything about you as a person. You can't control your emotions, right?

This is potentially a big question and you don't need to have the answer, but do you have any ideas on where this long-term low mood stems from? Or if there are any particular triggers?

I ask because sometimes these things can be traced back to (to be cliché) difficult childhoods, trauma, or they could be connected to your environment. Sometimes though, there's no tangible reason and there doesn't need to be - just curious if you've thought about it.

Really glad you're posting, in any case. It's brave of you to be talking to us.

midnight_raven · July 2020

@Mike I’ve felt this way in the past, but I’ve received counselling to help with it, however I don’t believe it’s worked and I’m not sure whether this is another relapse of low mood. A lot of my low mood is the feeling that I’m worthless, and unloved, and I think this stems a lot from past memories.

I’ve received counselling three times, but I’ve never found it to help in the long-term and I’ve always found myself relapsing, but it’s never been as bad as it has been now, as I’ve found my low mood reducing me to be on the verge of crying, but I have no reason why and it scares me because I don’t understand why.

I received EMDR therapy back in November 2019, but I think that this was mainly focusing on the flashbacks that I received rather than the low mood that I felt from the events, and I still felt as if I had a lot of emotions and thoughts bottled up upon leaving the service. But now, even when I try to open up to my mum, my mind stops me where it never had done before.

I want to write letters but then my emotions just drain and I stop before I’ve even wrote a sentence. I want to tell a friend or a parent how I feel but the words just won’t leave my mouth. It’s like I’m putting in all of my effort, but I’m getting nowhere at all.

Riley · July 2020

It's totally understandable what you're going through @midnight_raven it can be so difficult to talk to your friends or family about what you're going through. For me personally when I first realised I was struggling with depression it took me months of agonising before i felt able to tell my family, and even longer before I sought out professional help. It's great to hear that you were able to receive counselling and EMDR therapy even if you feel like it didn't help as much as you'd hoped.

You might find it helpful to talk to your GP about what other kinds of treatment options there are for you if you're able to talk to them about what you're going through. Though obviously I don't know everything you've tried it might be worth asking anyway since there are a lot of different things that doctors can offer that you might find beneficial.

I think you've done a really good job coming onto the boards and talking about what you're dealing with, since you mentioned that it's not easy for you to talk about. Hopefully talking on here leads to you feeling more confident in talking about these things and be sure to keep us updated with how you're getting on, we're rooting for you!

joya · July 2020

welcome to the mix @midnight_raven ^^
it's really rough live a good day and don't feel it like a good day at all, right? our minds are very bleh when they want to be. I'm so sorry for you has to passing for all of this, i hope from heart and soul that everything can passes soon! (remember, everythingoes, always goes!!).

about open it up, what it works for me its talk in front of a mirror what we are feeling, write a letter or write a song. Search for sad music help me tooooo much, some music has lyrics that describe my feelings perfectly like Uhgood by RM or LIE by JIMIN, these are songs that i can show people and they can understand what its passing with me time to time

About the bad feelings, music can help; be creative like drawing, paint or writing helps too. If youre not to close of these topics, math its a great method to pass the time and ocupe our minds.

send many many many many hugs sz

sorry for my english, not first language ><

I don’t know what to do

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