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I don't know where to start...
lostinmyownhead
Posts: 4 Newbie
I apologise in advance because this is a huge rant and I just didn't really know how to say what needed to be said.
Over the past few weeks I discovered this platform after having a bad mental night and looking on my Uni site for some help, because I need it. I always get asked if I’m ok, and like most of you probably reading this if you’re like me, you always say you’re “fine”. And to be honest…I’m not. I never tell anyone because I don’t know where to start and if I do I wouldn’t be able to stop. It feels like I’m holding in an endless amount of emotions that when the slightest crack appears I wouldn’t know what to do with them and it would be uncontrollable. The last thing I would want to do would to leave someone having to deal with me when I’m in that state. I’m not sure why I’ve posted this, a part of me just wants to be heard but I also need to get it off my chest.
I moved to a different country when I was five, I didn’t have any friends, didn’t speak the language and I was always ‘different’ because because I’m gay. I was only five and didn’t even know it yet but I look back and jeezzz it was obvious. I guess after so many years of being bullied and picked on it fucks with your head. I never had any real friends till I was about 15, and that year my so called best friend outed me to the entire year on a group chat, that was a tough pill to swallow. Everyone would stare at me or talk about me behind my back, I felt like I just wanted to crawl up into a ball and die. It really hurt, I was not ready for it, I hadn’t even told my mum yet who also worked at the school let alone my dad.
My six form years were the hardest for me, my grandad died, my sister moved away, my relationship with my dad started to strain, and I just felt awful for my mum who felt lost with her relationship with her husband. Ive always been the one for people to come and talk and rant to, and don’t get me wrong i’d never complain about that because I love being that one person that some people chose to talk to. But who’s my person, when do i get to rant and explain my fucked up life with no judgement or belittling the situation? My dad is no doubt and alcoholic, workaholic, verbally abusive and threatening. He’s never put me first and I got used to it, but when he stopped putting my mum first, thats when I started to resent him more and more. My mums always been there for me through everything, she doesn’t know everything about my life and our relationship isn’t perfect but she’s always turned up for me no matter what. I can’t say the same for my dad. He never showed up to football matches or parents evenings unless it was mandatory or if it was to make him look good. After having a stroke in the October of my Y12 school year, it was frightening at the fact that I could have lost him and it changed him as a person ever since, not in a good way. This is going to sound awful but sometimes I wish he didn’t make it, because it would have been less painful to go through losing him then than it is to bear the abuse and the destruction he does to my sister and mum. Over lockdown I didn’t want to come home if he was going to be here. He took a job a when I was in y13 meaning he’d move to Japan and visit every 5 weeks. At that point i didn’t care anymore, i just thought, “who decides to move half way across the world without asking their family for an opinion??” I had two feeling, this first was anger, then a major fuck this attitude. I'd given so much effort into this relationship that was so emotionally strenuous and gave me major anxiety and he didn’t even care, or see my efforts.
I talked to my mum debating weather or not to come back and when she told me that he’d left her on the Sunday morning to go back to Japan I had to come back. I couldn’t stand the thought of her being on her own going through lockdown without me or my sister. The first six weeks of lockdown were challenging (as they were for everyone) but good. My mum, sister and I got along so well and we were coping pretty well. But when I got told my dad was coming back all i felt was dread. I was absolutely dreading it and just wanted to go back to England so I didn’t have to be near him. Its now been several weeks that my dads been home and I’ve decided I can’t have him in my life anymore, I have no choice. He’s so damaging to my mental health, all he ever says to me is destructive and negative. I can’t take it anymore, I just want to feel loved and alive again. But that comes with its own challenges, how the fuck do I go about that. What do I tell people when they ask me about my family?? My dad contacted me twice when I was at uni from September to February, I’d reach out every week but wouldn’t get any answer back. Until when he called me (once on two separate occasions) and I wouldn’t pick up because I couldn’t face speaking to him. And suddenly it was all my fault that he hadn’t spoke to me.
This is only a small part of my story, I know like I’ve said its fucked. I just feel lost and don’t know where to start to put myself back together again.
Over the past few weeks I discovered this platform after having a bad mental night and looking on my Uni site for some help, because I need it. I always get asked if I’m ok, and like most of you probably reading this if you’re like me, you always say you’re “fine”. And to be honest…I’m not. I never tell anyone because I don’t know where to start and if I do I wouldn’t be able to stop. It feels like I’m holding in an endless amount of emotions that when the slightest crack appears I wouldn’t know what to do with them and it would be uncontrollable. The last thing I would want to do would to leave someone having to deal with me when I’m in that state. I’m not sure why I’ve posted this, a part of me just wants to be heard but I also need to get it off my chest.
I moved to a different country when I was five, I didn’t have any friends, didn’t speak the language and I was always ‘different’ because because I’m gay. I was only five and didn’t even know it yet but I look back and jeezzz it was obvious. I guess after so many years of being bullied and picked on it fucks with your head. I never had any real friends till I was about 15, and that year my so called best friend outed me to the entire year on a group chat, that was a tough pill to swallow. Everyone would stare at me or talk about me behind my back, I felt like I just wanted to crawl up into a ball and die. It really hurt, I was not ready for it, I hadn’t even told my mum yet who also worked at the school let alone my dad.
My six form years were the hardest for me, my grandad died, my sister moved away, my relationship with my dad started to strain, and I just felt awful for my mum who felt lost with her relationship with her husband. Ive always been the one for people to come and talk and rant to, and don’t get me wrong i’d never complain about that because I love being that one person that some people chose to talk to. But who’s my person, when do i get to rant and explain my fucked up life with no judgement or belittling the situation? My dad is no doubt and alcoholic, workaholic, verbally abusive and threatening. He’s never put me first and I got used to it, but when he stopped putting my mum first, thats when I started to resent him more and more. My mums always been there for me through everything, she doesn’t know everything about my life and our relationship isn’t perfect but she’s always turned up for me no matter what. I can’t say the same for my dad. He never showed up to football matches or parents evenings unless it was mandatory or if it was to make him look good. After having a stroke in the October of my Y12 school year, it was frightening at the fact that I could have lost him and it changed him as a person ever since, not in a good way. This is going to sound awful but sometimes I wish he didn’t make it, because it would have been less painful to go through losing him then than it is to bear the abuse and the destruction he does to my sister and mum. Over lockdown I didn’t want to come home if he was going to be here. He took a job a when I was in y13 meaning he’d move to Japan and visit every 5 weeks. At that point i didn’t care anymore, i just thought, “who decides to move half way across the world without asking their family for an opinion??” I had two feeling, this first was anger, then a major fuck this attitude. I'd given so much effort into this relationship that was so emotionally strenuous and gave me major anxiety and he didn’t even care, or see my efforts.
I talked to my mum debating weather or not to come back and when she told me that he’d left her on the Sunday morning to go back to Japan I had to come back. I couldn’t stand the thought of her being on her own going through lockdown without me or my sister. The first six weeks of lockdown were challenging (as they were for everyone) but good. My mum, sister and I got along so well and we were coping pretty well. But when I got told my dad was coming back all i felt was dread. I was absolutely dreading it and just wanted to go back to England so I didn’t have to be near him. Its now been several weeks that my dads been home and I’ve decided I can’t have him in my life anymore, I have no choice. He’s so damaging to my mental health, all he ever says to me is destructive and negative. I can’t take it anymore, I just want to feel loved and alive again. But that comes with its own challenges, how the fuck do I go about that. What do I tell people when they ask me about my family?? My dad contacted me twice when I was at uni from September to February, I’d reach out every week but wouldn’t get any answer back. Until when he called me (once on two separate occasions) and I wouldn’t pick up because I couldn’t face speaking to him. And suddenly it was all my fault that he hadn’t spoke to me.
This is only a small part of my story, I know like I’ve said its fucked. I just feel lost and don’t know where to start to put myself back together again.
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Comments
Thank you for sharing your story with us that was really brave of you. Reaching out for support is a big step and one you’ve now taken so well done for that
Does your mum know that you feel like you don’t want to have your dad in your life anymore? It sounds like you’ve got a great relationship with her (no relationship is perfect) but could you maybe talk to her about how it’s affecting you and your mental health?
Your time at school sounds like it was really hard, how has uni been for you? Has it been better? What are you studying?
I know how it feels to be the one people rant to, and while I really like that people have that trust in me, supporters need support too.
I've tried to speak to my mum about it a bit but I feel like she doesn't really understand or listen to me properly, she just likes to hear what she wants to sometimes. The same with my sister, she understands where I'm coming from but thinks that its a "drastic" or "dramatic" way to go about the situation.
Uni so far has been an amazing experience for me and i'm absolutely loving my course and my life I have over there, I'm studying Physical Activity, exercise and health, mainly because I didn't know what to do but its a great experience because I love sport and it allows me to explore the opportunities within the industry!!
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post, its nice to feel like someone will listen and can relate by being a supporter for other people.
I've tried to speak to my mum about it a bit but I feel like she doesn't really understand or listen to me properly, she just likes to hear what she wants to sometimes. The same with my sister, she understands where I'm coming from but thinks that its a "drastic" or "dramatic" way to go about the situation.
Uni so far has been an amazing experience for me and i'm absolutely loving my course and my life I have over there, I'm studying Physical Activity, exercise and health, mainly because I didn't know what to do but its a great experience because I love sport and it allows me to explore the opportunities within the industry!!
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post, its nice to feel like someone will listen and can relate by being a supporter for other people.
Firstly, I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and your story with us. I am sending huge hugs your way
I just wanted to touch on something you mentioned about your past, when you were outed about your sexuality. I wanted to check what impact that might have had on you - have you coped okay since it happened? I'm sorry it happened to you, that sounds really horrible. Your sexuality is something that you deserve to share only when you feel comfortable, and is absolutely something that should be celebrated. I hope that you have since found yourself in a place where you feel accepted and loved for exactly who you are - and if you haven't, I hope that you do very soon
Deciding that you don't want to have your dad in your life anymore is a big thing, so I am pleased you found an outlet to get this off your shoulders. I am also pleased that you recognise your worth and the fact that you truly do not deserve to be treated in the way that your dad has been treating you and your family. You say that your mum and sister don't totally understand or think it is quite drastic. Im wondering if it would help to write your thoughts and feelings in a letter, much like you have on this post, so that they can truly understand your thought processes. That way you can edit and rephrase things as many times as you like, to ensure your thoughts are really getting across the way you want them to. You could either ask your mum/sister to read it in their own time, giving them the opportunity to read it a few different times. Or you could sit with them and read through it together, answering any questions any of you may have. How do you think that would be?
Also, that's great to hear that uni is going well! Your course sounds super interesting.
Take good care
I'm completely comfortable with my sexuality but has taken some time after what happened. At first I felt scared and ashamed for being labelled 'different' by someone else to everyone else. Now I celebrate and embrace it and I'm proud of it!! I've found some close friends who I feel accepted and completely supported no matter what, I feel like I've finally found a place where I fit in and going to Uni has really helped with that <3
I've never thought about writing a letter before and I feel like that is a great idea, especially because I sometimes find it hard to express my emotions without getting frustrated or angry. I feel like I would need to sit with them whilst they read it as I would want them to be able to ask me questions and to make sure that they fully understand where i'm coming from and don't misinterpret anything.
Cheers for the suggestions, take it easy :) x
Sending you huge hugs
It sounds like a really difficult situation for you and I think you are so brave handling it the way you have been. I think it's great that you're thinking about writing a letter, hopefully that will help your mum and sister understand a bit more how you're feeling. It might be that they feel the same way but they just haven't realised it yet or are too scared to admit it.
I'm wondering if you don't feel like you can cope at home at the moment, is there a possibility for you to come back to England? I know they're easing restrictions with travel back here so maybe that's an option if you feel up to it, obviously depending on what the rules are in the country you are in now.