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Suicidal thoughts (TW)

_AJ__AJ_ Posts: 117 The Mix Convert
in Health & Wellbeing
Hey :) 
I've struggled with suicidal thoughts off and on for a while and at the moment, it is proving really tricky, especially in moments where I am not exactly lucid. it can be so intrusive and its starting to really scare me because things can be calm but the overall feelings just get too much for no reason (ambient distress as a friend and I like to call it) and I get really intrusive suicidal thoughts telling me to hurt myself and its just lead to me panicking and shaking. And for some reason I then decided that the cat wanted me to die as well and I am highly aware this is not true, but my brain likes to mess with me and things have been really tough recently and I just don't know how to cope when I am hurting and hurting myself. 
Aj xx

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    BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    honestly not sure if ill be much help with this as it's still something I struggle with majorly, but here are some things I do to 'ride it out' remember, this too shall pass <3

    the main thing I try to remember is HALT
    H - Hungry?
    A - Angry?
    L - Lonely
    T - Tired
    when your feeling shit mentally it normally strives from a physical feeling, more often than not im tired, so i'll take a 'depression nap' and sometimes I wake up feeling better, when that doesn't work I go on to some of these distractions...
    Writing down my thoughts or just writing in general
    tidying/cleaning
    playing a game on my phone
    taking my PRN (think I've asked this before, do you have any?)
    PTW?
    eating crisps/ (or something I hate throwing up (not that I like throwing up anything but you know what I mean)) (if you know, you know) :lol: 

    some other things i should do but don't really do that could be helpful
    Reading something out of my 'happiness jug' Do you have one of these?
    Colouring
    Talking to someone
    going for a walk

    Do you have any distractions yourself that you find helpful? i'm sorry you're struggling with this, but you are never alone and we're always here to chat :)<3


    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
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    _AJ__AJ_ Posts: 117 The Mix Convert
    Hey @BubblesGoesBoo
    thanks :heart:
    HALT is one I’ve been really working on because I’m not very good at identifying feelings (especially hunger lol) 
    I do have PRN (diazepam) which I’m taking frequently at the moment to try and help calm things down before crisis point. What’s PTW? 
    And yes, I agree with stuff you don’t like throwing up! I tend to try and have a safe food (custard lol). But don’t really snack (too stressy when trying to stick to meal plan) 
    I have a happy box! It’s got loads of distractions in and also what I call rememberlutions (everything I’m happy or proud of gets written down throughout the year cuz I find resolutions too stressful...) 

    Currently what’s keeping me going is my obsession with greys anatomy and determination to live to see how this series ends. Small, but still a reason...? 

    Thanks. It’s just suddenly got really tough and very overwhelming. I keep having episodes out of the blue where it’s almost paralysing and I just can’t process anything and end up self harming so I don’t do anything worse. It’s made me feel really low and just unhappy in my own head tbh. I just can’t keep going like this. It’s been years and I’m fed up of it getting harder not easier. 

    Aj xx
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    BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    PTW = potential trigger warning :)

    do you find your PRN helps?
    could you dig out your happy box for when things get tough? :)

    the small things count! haha, I remember when I was inpatient my determination not to end things was cause I wanted to finish pretty little liars first, so the small stuff definitely works while you work on the bigger reasons :)
    sounds like you're going through a lot just now, is there anything that's triggering these episodes do you know? I know it's not always easy to pinpoint this though.
    the things that help me not do it is thinking of all the reasons I fought so hard to recover in the first place... also I REALLY don't want to end up in hospital again on drips and that, it's not nice. and my hospital is under enough pressure as it is with covid-19 so don't really want to add more on top of that...

    Hope things start to look up for you soon <3
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
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    _AJ__AJ_ Posts: 117 The Mix Convert
    Heya @BubblesGoesBoo
    yeah, my PRN does help. But it also entirely knocks me out and makes me slightly loopy... 
    i try; sometimes I just need the motivation and if I’m lacking that, finding any techniques is really hard because I just don’t care. 
    I don’t really know. But they are a lot more paranoid and psychotic episodes than before. I spoke to our chaplain earlier and think I worried her a bit because I’ve never quite been like this before. Partly its anxiety about a new term and trying to manage a uni workload at home in a bad place. 
    I just feel this will never end. It’s been so long and only getting worse and I just feel kinda helpless about it all. I’m feeling so on edge and never actually felt so ill before. I’m just scared. 
    Aj xx
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