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I'm not sure what to do.

Blaze7587Blaze7587 Posts: 2 Literally just got here
This is my first post and it's probably going to be absolutely rubbish as, by nature, I'm terrified of sharing things with others for fear of rejection and just being a burden to them, especially my friends. I'm not even sure how to start talking about my problems but I'll give it a go anyway. Sorry if you are reading this now I'm worrying if this is even in the correct category and whether I should actually press post or not.

I am 17 and am currently in my second year of doing my a-levels. Naturally this means there is going to be stress as these will decide whether I enter University. I have no problems with the work, although I'm pretty sure both my French teacher and Personal tutor hate me, I just have problems with my parents way of motivating me due to my AS results. Mainly it's my mother. 

They have decided to give me three past papers a week, that is reasonable, what isn't reasonable is my mother's response to my work. It seems as if every time I ask for help she becomes disgusted with me. She will start shouting at me saying "You're useless" or "No university would ever accept you, you're not clever enough". I may just be really childish but this really upsets me, I have little to no confidence as it is. One of her favourite insults for me though, is probably "Stupid B*tch" which she says to me if I make even one mistake, such as forget to do something she has asked me to do. This has lead me to trying to avoid her around the house and doing the jobs she has asked me to do as quickly as possible and then return upstairs to my room.

One thing that I have been worrying about lately is the fears and the worry that I have. Al websites say that many people dislike speaking in public but for me it is terrifying. For example, the other day in class my teacher asked me a question and I knew the answer but I could not say it for the life of me, it was if I couldn't talk at all. I was trying to say it and I really wanted to but I just couldn't and so I started to panic as she was just standing there waiting for me and all my other classmates were looking at me and all I could think about was how I wanted to disappear. This happens 9 times out of 10 in lessons and has done for the majority of my school life. A few months ago me pt tried to get me to go to speak to a woman who was supposed to develop study skills in college and so I arranged an appointment with her. 
I didn't go. I was too afraid. I had never been to that room before so that made me panic. I had never met this woman before and this also made me panic. I felt like such an idiot, all I could do was run down the college stairs at the bottom of the Library and cried, I couldn't stop shaking and my breathing was rather fast, it was like everything was spinning out of control and it was all my fault. This is the same reaction I have had when doing any presentations and each time all I can do is think about what others might think of me. I want to go to the doctors about it but I'm afraid that they will dismiss me telling me that I'm "Just a bit shy" like my parents and teachers tell me, I am terrified of talking to people who I don't know and I wouldn't know what to say

Speaking of what others think: It's so exhausting, even with friends. Everyday I have to be so careful, making sure that I don't say anything that would make them hate me, or doing something that displeases them. I am by no means popular, I have maybe 5 friends and I don't talk to anyone in my classes for fear of being thought of as an idiot or being hated. It doesn't help that I have some issues with my looks and although I don't hate them, it's just I have to be really careful. My main problem is my weight and the dark purple/black which is constantly under my eyes. I have been insecure about these for years. My weight is the worst problem though. Nearly everyday if my mum is downstairs and we are eating our evening meal, she will say something along the lines of "Jasmine doesn't need dessert, she eats enough cr*p as it is and she's already put on a sh*t tonne of weight". In order to combat this I have taken to avoiding eating breakfast and usually lunch also and although I know it's unhealthy, I just want her to stop making those comments. I can't speak back to her either because she terrifies me and each time I say something she threatens to kick me out of the house, so I feel utterly helpless. I can't talk to anyone about her though because all that I think is that they'll just dismiss me and there are those who need more help than I do, so I would just be an inconvenience.

I think I'll stop now as it got rather boring towards the end and really long. Sorry if you took time to read this. I'm just at a loss. What should I do? 


  • PoppyBPoppyB Posts: 228 Moderator
    Hi @Blaze7587 welcome to the forums, I'm glad you have found us!

    Firstly I just want to say that your post is not rubbish at all - in fact, I think you've made such a great step in reaching out here to discuss your current situation and how you are feeling. Here at The Mix, all our members are here to listen and support you in whatever way we can. 

    What is making you think that your French teacher and personal tutor hate you? Is there anyone else at school that you could approach to see if you can get another personal tutor? It's so important especially during AS levels to have a teacher that you feel you can speak to about how you are feeling.

    I'm so sorry to hear about the way your mother shouts at you regarding your work and your weight - you are completely correct in thinking her response is unreasonable and you have every right to feel upset, it is not childish at all.  I know you said that you feel that you are an inconvenience but you are completely worthy of help and shouldn't be expected to bottle everything up. Is there anyone else you could speak to about her behaviour and the way she speaks to you, such as a friend, teacher or school counsellor? It's really important to have a support network around you <3 

    I can hear from your post that your worries about speaking in public and fear of panicking are very overwhelming for you and causing you to avoid certain situations. The Mix has a really helpful post here about ways to help yourself, such as: 
    • Challenge your thoughts. Every time you tell yourself your friends think you’re boring, too shy or embarrassing, try to challenge these thoughts. Is there any hard evidence for what you’re thinking? You’ll find you can often label these thoughts as completely untrue.  
    • Try not to predict the future. The more we tell ourselves an event or situation is going to be scary or a failure, the more likely it will be. When you notice yourself predicting the future stop and remind yourself how unhelpful these thought patterns are.
    • Be kind to yourself. The more you tell yourself that you’re making a fool of yourself or that you’re not funny enough, the more you’ll believe it. Try replacing these thoughts with positive affirmations. E.g. I am kind, I have a lot to offer, I am safe in social environments.  

    I hope some of those resources are helpful to you. If you ever feel like you need any more support, feel free to reach out to The Mix confidential hotline at 0808 808 4994.

    Sending you lots of hugs <3
  • Blaze7587Blaze7587 Posts: 2 Literally just got here
    @PoppyB Thank you for your advice. It is very helpful.
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