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A misunderstanding so why did I react the way I did?

One-in-a-millionOne-in-a-million Posts: 605 Incredible Poster
in Sex & Relationships
Trigger warning 

I’m going back to 2011 I was at school and there was so much pressure to get a boyfriend as I was 16 and never had one All the peer pressure got to me, so when a guy added me on FB and I told me friends they all said I should accept which I did.

we didn’t speak for long before he asked to meet. Again my friend convinced me to go. I agreed to meet him a few hours after school and we did. I was nervous and while I thought it would have been busy where we were it wasn’t. Everything was normal we chatted for a bit then he asked if he could have a hug and I agreed.. within a few seconds he started kissing me which I wasn’t so comfortable with but I just did nothing... I don’t know why I just couldn’t respond, he started grabbing my bum and holding me tightly. The next thing I remember he tripped and let go. I simply said “I have to go” and went home.

we spoke on FB and I explained that I wasn’t ok with what happened, He said and I remember it “Why what’s wrong, you seemed fine and I wanted sex and thought you wanted the same.” After that we un friended and didn’t speak to each other.

This along with being sexually bullied/harassed at school by boys who would make rude remarks about/to me and would touch me in ways I wasn’t ok with and carried on when I told them to stop. Had effected me a lot After a while I spoke out about what was happening and While not much was done (they stopped it but didn’t support me.) I got support at college.

since then I’ve moved on and I’m doing well. I look back as an adult at the boy I met and think “it was just a misunderstanding between 2 teenagers and his intentions weren’t malicious.” 

However on Tuesday I received a strange text addressing me by my name and asking me to call them which I did. They answered with “Hi Emma it’s (insert they guy who I met full name.)”

Now this is what I do understand.. I completely freaked out and started crying but why? Why was I so upset about something that happened so long ago? I couldn’t explain how he got my number or anything but I just know I got really upset and scared about it.

with a bit of investigation we managed to find out it wasn’t him.. we don’t know who it was but knew if definitely wasn’t him..

Again as an adult I feel like that experience unlike the boys at school was a big misunderstanding on both parts so why did I get so upset over it??

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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    It sounds like receiving that text felt terrible for you :heart:

    Even if it was a misunderstanding with no malicious intent, that sort of thing could feel really scary and intrusive for you. Do you think you got upset because the experience was frightening which makes you feel intimidated by him, despite knowing he wouldn't hurt you? Or is it something else?

    I understand feeling upset. How are you now? :heart:
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    One-in-a-millionOne-in-a-million Posts: 605 Incredible Poster
    Kathleen07 said:
    It sounds like receiving that text felt terrible for you :heart:

    Even if it was a misunderstanding with no malicious intent, that sort of thing could feel really scary and intrusive for you. Do you think you got upset because the experience was frightening which makes you feel intimidated by him, despite knowing he wouldn't hurt you? Or is it something else?

    I understand feeling upset. How are you now? :heart:
    Thank you for replying :) I guess I hadn’t thought about it like that the fact that even if he didn’t intend to hurt me the situation itself would still be scary which now thinking about it makes perfect sense as it was still something I didn’t want to do. 

    I don’t feel as if I am scared of him maybe because I feel like I’ve put it behind me or maybe because I now put it down to a misunderstanding (I don’t know), that being said I haven’t had to see him face to face since that day and maybe if I had my reaction towards him might be different. It’s weird how I couldn’t tell you what I was doing on this day last year but yet that date, time and everything that happened 8 years ago is as clear now as it was on the day. 

    I’m doing well thank you we still don’t know sent that message or spoke to me on the phone but knowing it wasn’t him has been a massive relief. We only know this as my friend put a lot of investigation into it and ended up talking to him.

    again thank you for replying 
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    coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 1,054 Wise Owl
    Hi there :heart:

    I agree with what @Kathleen07 has said. I also just wanted to add that whilst your reaction now may have been difficult for you to understand, it's absolutely an okay and normal reaction to have. Often we repress memories once they are no longer on our minds, or perhaps as a defence mechanism, but it means they are still a memory in our subconscious. Sometimes a little reminder of that memory can bring back the original feelings- it sounded frightening and upsetting at the time, which is maybe why it's upsetting now.

    Whether it was a misunderstanding or not, I really understand why you may have felt uncomfortable. But what's really good is that you are able to speak about these feelings and how you are feeling now. Exploring and talking about our feelings is often one of the very best things we can do to help ourselves - so you absolutely did the right thing by sharing it here :smile:

    It's good to hear that it wasn't actually him texting and that you are doing well. It's an odd situation, but as long as you feel safe and supported that's the most important thing :smile: Take good care - we are always here for you! 
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,525 Skive's The Limit
    Hey! I just also came to reinforce that how you react is completly understandable
    One-in-a-million said:
    I wasn’t so comfortable with but I just did nothing... I don’t know why I just couldn’t respond,
    Our bodies can freeze when we are scared & literally be scared stiff. There are loads of reactions to when we are scared and trying to survive ; and Maybe you have heard of the freeze, fight and flight. There is actually another to these sort of situations and it's Friend - can go along with it - even if you don't want to in order to surivive & basically what I mean is no matter how you react - you react because it's how you tried to surive that the easiest way you knew at that time. -still something you didn't want to do.  & I think understanding that can help make these situations less confusing. & understandable it brought up lot of emotions for you. 


    Im so glad it wasn't him - that sounds really confusing. I hope you're still doing okay . Always here to listen <3


    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Han93Han93 Posts: 309 The Mix Regular

    Hi @One-in-a-million


    I just wanted to echo what everyone said and send you massive hugs!


    Despite thinking it was a misunderstanding and being able to move on with your life, it was still a really uncomfortable and scary experience for you so it's totally normal for you to feel this way.


    I'm really glad to hear that you have a supportive friend who you were able to talk to and who was able to find out it wasn't him. We're all here for you too and will continue to support you <3

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    One-in-a-millionOne-in-a-million Posts: 605 Incredible Poster
    Thank you everyone, it actually makes sense that it was probably the situation that scared me and not him. What everyone has said means a lot to feel supported and having people who understand same as my friends. I do find it annoying that despite looking back on it and feeling that perhaps he meant no harm I remember every detail of what happened on the day and the day after when a guy in my class announced in front of the class that he saw me with the guy which feeling embarrassed and upset I denied what he said. A girl joined in and asked me again and again and again if it was true I explored and shouted at her that it wasn’t true and my science teacher had to calm the situation down.

    I think I lost the purpose of this reply but once again thank you everyone 
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