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TW - flashbacks
NatalieMT
Posts: 177 Helping Hand
Crowded place I felt trapped
Loud music blurring into the crown of people
A dance song ‘I need a miracle, I need a miracle’ I heard over and over as I lay in the floor of the dirty toilets, the smell of urine
As I lay there, my body felt paralysed, alcohol, drugs and fear as I knew something bad was going to happen
Defenceless, unable to move
Unable to move myself, to stop it, I felt you inside of me, the pain, your a against my throat, the sound of laughter from behind you.
The next man smirking at me, I heard ‘have a go’ like I was a toy, you held me in place, to how you wanted me whilst they continued.
I felt dirty things happening to my body, another man there, who watched, he did nothing but watch like it was a show,
I felt numb in the outside but on the inside my body was being torn apart.
Make words like sex and body parts repulse me so much so I can’t say them, the dirty it all over me, my body is trash, my mind is out of control and my heart is scared/unsafe.
I want to be held by someone safe, but intimacy scares me, something supposed to me pleasurable painful
Ill never feel human again
Loud music blurring into the crown of people
A dance song ‘I need a miracle, I need a miracle’ I heard over and over as I lay in the floor of the dirty toilets, the smell of urine
As I lay there, my body felt paralysed, alcohol, drugs and fear as I knew something bad was going to happen
Defenceless, unable to move
Unable to move myself, to stop it, I felt you inside of me, the pain, your a against my throat, the sound of laughter from behind you.
The next man smirking at me, I heard ‘have a go’ like I was a toy, you held me in place, to how you wanted me whilst they continued.
I felt dirty things happening to my body, another man there, who watched, he did nothing but watch like it was a show,
I felt numb in the outside but on the inside my body was being torn apart.
Make words like sex and body parts repulse me so much so I can’t say them, the dirty it all over me, my body is trash, my mind is out of control and my heart is scared/unsafe.
I want to be held by someone safe, but intimacy scares me, something supposed to me pleasurable painful
Ill never feel human again
4
Comments
'But we are not victims, we are survivors. and the biggest fuck you we can give to them is to turn around and say you know what, you may of violated me and made me feel worthless and dirty. you may have been able to walk away free without nightmares and memories and flashbacks. and all that could have killed me but it didn't and it wont, cause I am stronger. what you did was wrong but I am not weak. and while I may never be whole again I will not allow you to take anything more from me. I will fight. and I will win. you may have tried to break me but I will show you how enormously you failed'
you are stronger than what they did to you, don't let them take any more of your life away from you, I know easier said than done... but you survived. have you spoken to anyone about these flashbacks?