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Deceased...
LiquidEyes
Posts: 3 Newbie
It may not be appropriate of me to discuss certain aspects of my life, but I've wanted to get this off my mind.
During my years as a freshman in high school, I had a very strong need to be in a relationship with someone, like to love. Now I'm pretty mindful of how the people in my school prefer certain types of women and that few don't really care (which I do not know if there are any visible). I personally admit that I'm not the one most would desire as a lover, (Which is fine, I suppose) however I always held this belief that I would find what I am looking for someday, just not of this world. Then, in December that's where had all started. I created this character for another part of my story and to be honest, I stupidly fell in "love" with him. He was a very punk and hotheaded extraterrestrial, but I still manage to be ok with that. For the past four months, it felt real nothing of the total intense love for fictional characters out in the west but different. He had his own mind, which was crazy to me because to someone he's a figment of my mind. It just felt controlling to have someone think the way you want them to think.
At first, this is strange, though I guess it is one of the products of having an overactive imagination. I cannot remember the last time I had stopped using it. It came when I was three or four and I had all the fantasies (paracosms) I could ever wish for. Interestingly, I did not grow out of it. It's like my life and well-being depended on it. I depended on it when I things had been incredibly tough ( i.e bullying, emotional and verbal abuse, strict pressure on education) and oddly, it wasn't anything childish. It was real and believable. Growing up I wasn't interested in fairy tales, I wanted climax, environment, and characters. I aspire to be an animator when I grow up and still do. Apart from my relationship, I go to a world where I have everything put in order. Simply, It's not based on Earth or humanity, just species I crafted into a story. Like a playground, a playground that teaches and guides you. Movies like Moana, Kung fu panda, and Zootopia, I don't know if I can describe it.
It's astonishing how developed my characters are, but I have the stability of an infant (according to some). Ever since my Father passed, everything has just increasingly got worse. My grades dropped, I didn.t know how to feel or cry nor did I have any sense of human, not that it was a problem for me. It's like fantasy reminds me of the same thing. There's just no point in reality for me. I don't have that much intention or will to continue living or experiencing. I live in a debatable city where fights and such exist. Those still don't phase me. If I can have my paracosm then what gives anybody the right to suck me into a place I have so much emptiness for, to the point where I just accept that this isn't my place; Or anywhere...
I'm really curious if people experience such low appreciation for life in general, living and the world. That things would be better if (complete) solitude was an option...? I feel that I'll only keep ruining my future with my disinterest it's best to piss everyone off to the point of avoidance.
I apologize if this is just rambling, I haven't really talked to many people about my issues not that it was impossible. It was pointless. They already know what I'm going through I'm learning how to be quiet and not speak. I have no energy to engage nor mobility. All of this post reminds me of how dull I am and whether I should post this
peace
👌⛩🌺
During my years as a freshman in high school, I had a very strong need to be in a relationship with someone, like to love. Now I'm pretty mindful of how the people in my school prefer certain types of women and that few don't really care (which I do not know if there are any visible). I personally admit that I'm not the one most would desire as a lover, (Which is fine, I suppose) however I always held this belief that I would find what I am looking for someday, just not of this world. Then, in December that's where had all started. I created this character for another part of my story and to be honest, I stupidly fell in "love" with him. He was a very punk and hotheaded extraterrestrial, but I still manage to be ok with that. For the past four months, it felt real nothing of the total intense love for fictional characters out in the west but different. He had his own mind, which was crazy to me because to someone he's a figment of my mind. It just felt controlling to have someone think the way you want them to think.
At first, this is strange, though I guess it is one of the products of having an overactive imagination. I cannot remember the last time I had stopped using it. It came when I was three or four and I had all the fantasies (paracosms) I could ever wish for. Interestingly, I did not grow out of it. It's like my life and well-being depended on it. I depended on it when I things had been incredibly tough ( i.e bullying, emotional and verbal abuse, strict pressure on education) and oddly, it wasn't anything childish. It was real and believable. Growing up I wasn't interested in fairy tales, I wanted climax, environment, and characters. I aspire to be an animator when I grow up and still do. Apart from my relationship, I go to a world where I have everything put in order. Simply, It's not based on Earth or humanity, just species I crafted into a story. Like a playground, a playground that teaches and guides you. Movies like Moana, Kung fu panda, and Zootopia, I don't know if I can describe it.
It's astonishing how developed my characters are, but I have the stability of an infant (according to some). Ever since my Father passed, everything has just increasingly got worse. My grades dropped, I didn.t know how to feel or cry nor did I have any sense of human, not that it was a problem for me. It's like fantasy reminds me of the same thing. There's just no point in reality for me. I don't have that much intention or will to continue living or experiencing. I live in a debatable city where fights and such exist. Those still don't phase me. If I can have my paracosm then what gives anybody the right to suck me into a place I have so much emptiness for, to the point where I just accept that this isn't my place; Or anywhere...
I'm really curious if people experience such low appreciation for life in general, living and the world. That things would be better if (complete) solitude was an option...? I feel that I'll only keep ruining my future with my disinterest it's best to piss everyone off to the point of avoidance.
I apologize if this is just rambling, I haven't really talked to many people about my issues not that it was impossible. It was pointless. They already know what I'm going through I'm learning how to be quiet and not speak. I have no energy to engage nor mobility. All of this post reminds me of how dull I am and whether I should post this
peace
👌⛩🌺
0
Comments
thank you for sharing! It can take a lot of effort - were here to listen. -Youre not dull or rambling. I hope it helped to share this here.
You seem very creative and inteligent - youd make a great animator! And youre self aware in knowing why you feel you created this fictional character. Sounds like you used it as a way to cope sometimes.
I can really hear how empty you feel about life and how you feel you dont fit anywhere(?). Its okay and your choice to engage with what you want. I empathise with having disinterest in the world & youre definetly not alone with how youre feeling/coping, but it can feel pretty lonely and iscolated and just wondering if youd ever want to change that with support or find some interest in the world ( eventho it may sound impossible) it can be possible. Aspiring to be an animator sounds like a great thing and maybe a way you could feel part of the world in a different way.
Wishing you all the best