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Help with new relationship after past hurt.
Cocorio
Posts: 1 Just got here
I’ve never really done anything like this, write somewhere for advice. But I’m kinda stuck at what next to do.( I’m coco by the way I’m 21.)
was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 5 years. I was 17 and he was 25, he cheated, he belittled, he never had sex with me. Never showed he loved me like that. It was like a brother sister relationship. But I loved him so much I put up with it. I would take not having the passion I wanted in a relationship if I got him. But he needed to cheat. He couldn’t help himself. He didn’t even know he would be flirting. He left me once in 2017 out of the blue one day. It absolutely destroyed me. He told me it was a break that was all. He needed space. He was gonna come back he promised. And I actually waited for him. Begged him to come back.
He did in the end. After a month. But he wouldn’t leave his phone alone so I knew he had cheated and was still cheating. He sent her hearts and kisses while with me he told me he “couldn’t be asked to do it” he took her up London, and he kept me in my room each night as he didn’t have the money. He lied and lied and Lied. He dumped me again last year August (after me confronting him about cheating with his new manager at work, who he told everyone at work I was his ex) he told them before me that I was his ex, I knew he was quiet for weeks I begged him to tell me what was wrong with him, he denied it, said our relationship was fine and he was happy. Then as soon as I confronted him about the texts from him manager ( saying he wanted a baby with her) he straight away took the power away from me and dumped me by text after 5 years. I found closure recently by researching and working out that he is a narcissist. Straight down. That’s what he was.
Anyway two month laster I met up with a friend I knew from social media. And we fell for each other. It wasn’t and isn’t a rebound. I’ve made sure it isn’t. I never think of my ex in a good way. I love my new boyfriend as him. The total opposite of what I was with. I love him. I even warned him at the beginning of our relationship that I’m still broken. After 5 years of being deeply in love with someone I never actually knew. To go to being in a relationship 2 months after. I know I’ve pushed myself. I know I should have given myself time to heal. But I couldn’t help that we met up and fell for each other.
But of course I have such issues. Not trust surprisingly as I’m in the mind set of it he cheats then he cheats and I’m gone. I can tell I’m harder, meaner. I have an attitude and I’m moody and sarcastic. If I get a hint of my partner being rude to me or anything like controlling I’ll lose it. Today he told me to stop wearing my fake eye lashes and he got moody with me about it. I was triggered. It shocked me the anger I felt. Like how dare u tell me what to wear or what not too. I was so angry I didn’t even talk. Normal me would shrug it off. But I get so angry all the time. I am his first love. So he is very innocent and says what he thinks (when I look crap he will say it, or if he fancies a girl he will say it) but the way he loves me and how passionate he is for me is everything i wanted and needed and missed out on in them 5 years.
But I am a lot more mature than him. I know what I want from a relationship and I won’t accept anything less. I know how I want to be treated but I seem “harsh” “hard” “cruel” but I know it’s all from being treated like such shite for 5 years and not having someone I adored and loved, love me the way a human loves and show it. Me and my new partner keep arguing now over silly things, normally about me being to sarcastic or belittling, I don’t want me to harm him. I don’t want to turn this innocent sweet kind loving guy into me, into my ex. I’ve told him to leave me if he really can’t take it. I wouldn’t hold it against him. I don’t blame him. But he does a lot of things that trigger me, the attitude he sometimes has reminds me of my ex.
I don’t know what to do? I love him and he loves me. I know it’s me that needs to heal, but he needs to learn how to be in a relationship and when you filter what he says to not hurt me instead of being mindless and saying anything that comes to his mind. My new partner seems very hypocrite, he says things but does the opposite or says or expect things from me but the rule doesn’t apply to him. We all have faults, we are all human, I know that. But I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want him to hurt me. I don’t even have a question, I just want anyone’s opinion on it? On how to heal when I still have so much hate and anger for myself ( I hate that I was stupid enough to go through what I did, and it was all for nothing, to find out I spent 5 years with someone, my first love my first time everything to find out that it was all fake, narcissist can’t love and it’s all lies to them.its heartbreaking more than everything else. I’m trying to forgive myself as well as love a new totally different guy from the guy that I thought was my soulmate. I’m trying to heal while trying to love. Im so unsure of who I am or what I want in life. I don’t work or go to uni as I’m too ill with migraines. I hate that my ex has done this too me.
Please anyone any advice. 😕😕😕 x ♥️
[moved and broken up by moderator]
was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 5 years. I was 17 and he was 25, he cheated, he belittled, he never had sex with me. Never showed he loved me like that. It was like a brother sister relationship. But I loved him so much I put up with it. I would take not having the passion I wanted in a relationship if I got him. But he needed to cheat. He couldn’t help himself. He didn’t even know he would be flirting. He left me once in 2017 out of the blue one day. It absolutely destroyed me. He told me it was a break that was all. He needed space. He was gonna come back he promised. And I actually waited for him. Begged him to come back.
He did in the end. After a month. But he wouldn’t leave his phone alone so I knew he had cheated and was still cheating. He sent her hearts and kisses while with me he told me he “couldn’t be asked to do it” he took her up London, and he kept me in my room each night as he didn’t have the money. He lied and lied and Lied. He dumped me again last year August (after me confronting him about cheating with his new manager at work, who he told everyone at work I was his ex) he told them before me that I was his ex, I knew he was quiet for weeks I begged him to tell me what was wrong with him, he denied it, said our relationship was fine and he was happy. Then as soon as I confronted him about the texts from him manager ( saying he wanted a baby with her) he straight away took the power away from me and dumped me by text after 5 years. I found closure recently by researching and working out that he is a narcissist. Straight down. That’s what he was.
Anyway two month laster I met up with a friend I knew from social media. And we fell for each other. It wasn’t and isn’t a rebound. I’ve made sure it isn’t. I never think of my ex in a good way. I love my new boyfriend as him. The total opposite of what I was with. I love him. I even warned him at the beginning of our relationship that I’m still broken. After 5 years of being deeply in love with someone I never actually knew. To go to being in a relationship 2 months after. I know I’ve pushed myself. I know I should have given myself time to heal. But I couldn’t help that we met up and fell for each other.
But of course I have such issues. Not trust surprisingly as I’m in the mind set of it he cheats then he cheats and I’m gone. I can tell I’m harder, meaner. I have an attitude and I’m moody and sarcastic. If I get a hint of my partner being rude to me or anything like controlling I’ll lose it. Today he told me to stop wearing my fake eye lashes and he got moody with me about it. I was triggered. It shocked me the anger I felt. Like how dare u tell me what to wear or what not too. I was so angry I didn’t even talk. Normal me would shrug it off. But I get so angry all the time. I am his first love. So he is very innocent and says what he thinks (when I look crap he will say it, or if he fancies a girl he will say it) but the way he loves me and how passionate he is for me is everything i wanted and needed and missed out on in them 5 years.
But I am a lot more mature than him. I know what I want from a relationship and I won’t accept anything less. I know how I want to be treated but I seem “harsh” “hard” “cruel” but I know it’s all from being treated like such shite for 5 years and not having someone I adored and loved, love me the way a human loves and show it. Me and my new partner keep arguing now over silly things, normally about me being to sarcastic or belittling, I don’t want me to harm him. I don’t want to turn this innocent sweet kind loving guy into me, into my ex. I’ve told him to leave me if he really can’t take it. I wouldn’t hold it against him. I don’t blame him. But he does a lot of things that trigger me, the attitude he sometimes has reminds me of my ex.
I don’t know what to do? I love him and he loves me. I know it’s me that needs to heal, but he needs to learn how to be in a relationship and when you filter what he says to not hurt me instead of being mindless and saying anything that comes to his mind. My new partner seems very hypocrite, he says things but does the opposite or says or expect things from me but the rule doesn’t apply to him. We all have faults, we are all human, I know that. But I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want him to hurt me. I don’t even have a question, I just want anyone’s opinion on it? On how to heal when I still have so much hate and anger for myself ( I hate that I was stupid enough to go through what I did, and it was all for nothing, to find out I spent 5 years with someone, my first love my first time everything to find out that it was all fake, narcissist can’t love and it’s all lies to them.its heartbreaking more than everything else. I’m trying to forgive myself as well as love a new totally different guy from the guy that I thought was my soulmate. I’m trying to heal while trying to love. Im so unsure of who I am or what I want in life. I don’t work or go to uni as I’m too ill with migraines. I hate that my ex has done this too me.
Please anyone any advice. 😕😕😕 x ♥️
[moved and broken up by moderator]
Post edited by TheMix on
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Comments
Hey Coco, and welcome to the community! Really glad you found us.
How did it feel to get that off your chest? It sounds like you had a lot built up there, and writing it all down can be super therapeutic for some people.
Just a heads up that I've moved this post from Introduce Yourself to Sex & Relationships, where it fits a little better and stands a much better chance of getting some responses. I hope you don't mind, but I've also put some paragraph breaks in to make it a bit more digestible for anyone reading.
I'm just quickly going to summarise your post to check I've got the key points:
If I haven't captured that correctly, do put me right.
I want to highlight something important you said:
Firstly, this shows you've got a healthy level of self-awareness about the situation. From reading your post, it seems clear that you have a pretty solid understanding of how your abusive relationship has affected and is still affecting you. Even if there's still more to figure out, knowing it's impacting you can be half the battle with these things. It's clear you care a lot about this guy and want the best for him.
But also, it's important to give yourself some slack while you work through the healing process you mentioned. It's long, it's difficult, and it's not your fault. It's okay not to be you for a while and for there to be a bit of collateral damage while you unpack everything you went through. That's natural, and it's okay to need people around you who understand that. It takes years for some people to re-adjust after leaving an abusive relationship.
That being said, it sounds like you're justified in being annoyed at some of the things your partner is doing. It's your choice to wear fake eyelashes, not his. It's okay to want your partner to consider what they say before saying it. You've got a right to stand up to anything that makes you uncomfortable.
Have you and your partner talked about the issues you're having? As in, made a conscious decision to sit down and talk it through in depth, rather than just those moments. Communication is the bedrock of a healthy relationship, and it might be constructive (if you haven't already) to be vulnerable with each other and hash this out.
It might be worth taking some time, either by yourself or with someone you can be honest around, to think about your expectations of yourself right now and whether they're reasonable. Consider what you experienced with your ex, and consider what you might say to someone else in your position. Not saying this will be the case, but it might be that you decide now isn't the right time for your relationship in its current form, and that would be okay.
There's a lot we could touch on here, so I'll let others come in with more informed opinions, but well done for getting this out and coming to us for some support. It's never easy and shows real courage. Give yourself a break; you're doing brilliantly, even though it might not feel like it.
I was in an unhealthy relationship for about a year, I wouldn't say it was emotionally abusive, but it really wasn't healthy. After it ended I took some time off from dating to reflect on what was going on which I definitely think was the best thing for me to do for myself at that time!
However, I don't think that you need time off from dating to be able to heal! In my current relationship, I still have some negative behaviours/feelings which I acquired from the last one. When I feel like these behaviours are getting too much, I take some time off just for me to do something that I enjoy. I like sewing or watching a TV series that I know my partner won't like (orange is the new black!!).
Do you have any activities or hobbies that you think you could use to take some time off/have your own space?
I completely agree with what @Mike said about what your new partner said about your eyelashes not being OK. There's a line between being honest and being cruel and from what I can sense your partner can sometimes cross it.
It is really good that you can pick out some of the issues that are upsetting in you in this relationship. Like Mike said, perhaps, when you feel ready, the next step might be to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about how you are feeling.
It is not your fault that your ex was emotionally abusive. He sounds like he was very manipulative and you are not stupid for falling for this.
You're doing so well by sharing how you feel and by beginning to move on. It takes a lot to be so open about things like this and I really hope you feel better after starting to unpack some of those emotions.
Hope to hear from you again soon.