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I need supprt from someone

AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
in Health & Wellbeing
so i just turned 18
i just broke up with a rather abusive guy...
but I feel like it’s my fault and maybe I should be here..
ive been suicidal and harmed before but I thought I was over that and now it’s back and I’m afraid 
I have nobody to turn to
i feel like being abused was my own fault and I deserved it..
i hoesntly don’t see much hope in my life.. I’m lost and completely alone I just need someone who gets it and can help me.
i feel broken and I can’t fix myself.. 
how do I fix this feeling?
how do I become the person I used to be?
i honestly thought I was better but it seems that breaking up set everything off again 

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    ArianaAriana Posts: 193 Trailblazer
    Hi @Ashleen I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through.

    First thing I would say is that being abused is NEVER your fault. Never. Nobody asks to be abused and nobody deserves to be treated that way by another human being.

    In terms of how you're feeling, I wonder if maybe some counselling might be helpful for you? You might be able to get some through your school/college or a doctor can usually refer you for some, but I think it might be really helpful for you to be able to talk through all these thoughts and feelings with a nice kind professional. There is even a counselling service here on this website if you're not able to find any locally. 
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Heya @Ashleen,

    Really sorry to hear all that :( I just wanted to send a hug, and you're not alone, we're here. Also as @Ariana says, being abused wasn't your fault, and you didn't deserve it.

    <3 
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    CarolineVCarolineV Posts: 133 The Mix Convert
    Hi Ashleen

    I'm so sorry to hear about your relationship, it sounds like that was a really difficult time for you. Like @Ariana says, being abused is not your fault, although I understand it can be really difficult to hear that.

    Going through any break up can cause lots of feelings to come up, let alone if it was a difficult relationship, so I really hope you're able to take some time to look after yourself.

    We're all here for you <3
    Caroline
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    AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    I have tried to seek help but I’m turned away.. and I still have strong feelings for him that’s what makes it so hard
    im so good at putting the blame on me that it’s just what I do now
    i don’t look after myself
    i have always put others first 
    and it’s just kinda stayed I make sure others are okay before myself no matter the pain I’m going through
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I'm sorry you're turned away, that shouldn't happen. I'm not sure if it's something you'd want, but could you try out talking to a therapist online? That could be a possibility if you can't get anyone else to listen. Though if you've only seen one or two professionals (assuming that's what you're talking about?) it could always be worth it to keep trying until you find someone who will help (as someone somewhere will).

    Having strong feelings for him still sounds extremely hard for you xo

    I can understand putting others first, and it shows you're considerate which is great. I know it's hard to stop putting others before yourself even for just a second. But remember that you matter too, very much. I hope you can start taking some time to care for yourself buddy.


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    AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    That’s the thing I don’t know how to care about myself.. I don’t care if something happens to me. 
    If I get hurt I don’t care and I know it’s not good but I can’t fix it
    I honestly just want out 
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Ah, yeah...:( How does that feel, I mean, do you hate yourself, or do you just feel numb, or have you lost all value to your life...?
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    AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    I think it’s a mix of all
    im numb at time but others thoughts come
    i have no hope and no values 
    and ive never been happy with who I am I don’t think I ever will be 
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Hm, I understand that (as much as I can, I know we're not the same person) <3
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    AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    So found out I have cancer..on top of everything else... but it’s early stages.. caught early enough so it hasn’t spread but I have to have a endoscopic resection thingie done..
    wont be able to use this site or my phone for 2-3 days for recovery... 
    kinda terrified 
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    OMG @Ashleen, I'm so sorry to hear this. It's great to hear it's in early stages though. We're here for you, I completely understand you're terrified about everything. <3
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    JamJarJamJar Posts: 274 The Mix Regular
    Hey @Ashleen

    First things first, just to reiterate what everyone else has already been confirming for you that you never deserve to be abused. It's amazing to see how much support you have on this thread <3

    It sounds like although you've been struggling since the break up, you don't regret ending things with the abusive guy. How long did it take you to come to that decision and how did you feel before breaking up?

    Really sorry to hear that you have cancer as well. But hopefully, as you say, it's been caught early enough so everything should work out OK! What is your strategy for those 2-3 days when you can't use your phone? Do you have a good book to read or some mindfulness colouring to do? 

    Hope you're doing well, you are amazing <3
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    AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    Well I honestly don’t know
    my nephew wants to spend time with me(he’s such a cutie) so that kinda brings everything up for me 
    but it’s still hard to face
    the last thing an 18 year old wants to hear
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    CarolineVCarolineV Posts: 133 The Mix Convert
    Hi Ashleen

    I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis :( I hope you're able to get the treatment you need, and also able to spend some time with your nephew while you're recovering.

    Sending love <3
    Caroline
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