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Hi I'm Lewis, I may have BPD

ld98ld98 NottinghamPosts: 5 Newbie
edited August 2018 in Introduce Yourself
Hello everyone. I'm Lewis and I'm 19 years old. I'm not currently diagnosed with anything but I'm awaiting a telephone appointment to get a diagnosis sorted. There are a couple of other things I think could potentially be entwined with BPD however that's the one thing I'm pretty confident on. The other things are ADHD, OCD and of course depression and severe anxiety which seem to go hand-in-hand with BPD.

I haven't seen many other BPD discussions on here (or maybe I'm just blind) but here's a few reasons why I think that's what I have.

So I was introduced to the idea of BPD by my girlfriend who knows I suffer with various different symptoms but I have never found anything that totally matches me until now. She has broken my trust a few times and that had put me in a seriously low state where my symptoms were very severe. I always flip through her phone whenever I get a chance and I often sit and contemplate with myself how things are going with her and find myself in an agonising debate of leaving her or letting things fail. I know I cannot trust her but it's all I want. Half of my mind is completely trusting and the other has these impulses and brutal thoughts that just keep nagging at my normal half until I finally let everything out. I find myself worrying about losing her a lot and even in the times she has been in the wrong I feel like I'm the one who loses out and I even blame myself for the majority of things that go wrong. So there's the whole "fear of abandonment" and "unstable relationships" side of things.

I have had a low self-esteem and bad self image for as long as I can remember. I have people tell me that I'm attractive, interesting, smart and just generally receive a lot of positivity but its as if my brain cannot take it on board. It just skips over these comments. Yet, if I receive even a slightly negative comment it'll be with me forever. I do generally hate myself for so many reasons. That's the "low self-esteem" side of things.

I often find myself fighting the urge to do ridiculously dangerous or stupid things. About 10 minutes ago I had an impulse to try and self-harm. I also do a lot of reckless things like abusing drugs, smoking, drinking alcohol and having unsafe sex with no thought process behind it. That's the "impulsive behaviour" side of things.

I never thought that I really self harm much, although I have attempted to self-harm multiple times, until I heard that hitting yourself is part of it. I guess I overlooked that but I find myself punching myself constantly every time I'm angry. That's the "self harm" side of things.

My emotional swings are ridiculous. I went through a couple of weeks of negativity over the last month where I was so low that I felt I had to refer myself to the NHS fearing how things would go. I have been relatively average for the last few days but now I can feel myself slipping back into a negative stage. I also have outbursts of rage that stem from the smallest of things and end up going into a huge depressive thought trail that almost always leads to contemplation of suicide. There's the "emotional swing" side of things.

I've felt empty for as long as I can remember. Like my life has no substance or meaning. I often find myself debating whether or not I even deserve the life I have. My general beliefs and views do no good for this either as it further instates the fact that the life we live is pointless and only feeds the richest of the rich while we work for our entire lives for nothing. There's the "emptiness" side.

As I've previously mentioned, I do have explosive anger. In the last 2 months or so I've gone crazy on multiple occasions, leaving holes in walls, breaking my knuckles, and even impulsively breaking friendships and almost my relationship. I also spend a lot of my angered times violently punching myself and even just screaming into my pillow while I cry. It's honestly embarrassing to recall. 

I struggle severely with paranoia. I always think people are laughing at me or talking about me. It was at a point where, back in school, I used to think people just made friends with me to be funny, like "haha, let's pretend to be friends with Lewis". I still get it to this day. I always think people are out to get me. I have trouble trusting my girlfriend regardless of what she has done in the past and as stated before constantly have to check things to ensure she's not leading me on. It even feels like at times that she doesn't love me at all and it's some elaborate plan to embarrass me. 

I also feel really out of touch with reality. To the point where I don't even know if I exist sometimes. I find myself drifting off a lot and very rarely dissociate. I daydream a lot when I should be focusing and avoid tasks a lot too. Reality in my mind is the most confusing topic to think about and I even find myself with a headache if I try to determine what life and the world we live in actually is.

Finally, suicide. I have contemplated suicide more times than I could count. I constantly find myself almost screaming at myself in my head to just do it. It's like there's a force inside of me that refuses to let me do it, no matter how bad I want to. I'm worried that this wont last. I haven't made a proper attempt at suicide although I have been in situations where I might.

So what do you guys think? Do you think this sounds like BPD? Or have you guys got similar symptoms that has turned out to be something else?

Comments

  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0 Noob
    Hi Lewis and welcome to The Mix. :)

    I'm very sorry you have suffered so awfully while not knowing the true extent of your unwellness, but I strongly advise you to make an appointment with your GP. For only a doctor will be able to make a full diagnosis, and then you'll be sure.

    The Mix has pages of excellent articles covering depression and how to cope with is as shown here:



    So I wish you enjoy reading any of those articles, and when you feel ready, reach out on our boards and get help.

    Best wishes to you,
    Mandy


  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 2,897 Mega Poster
    Hey Lewis, and welcome to the mix :)

    I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time right now. As someone who suffers with BPD I see a lot of similarities, but we're not professionals, so cant tell if you have something or not. But keep us updated yeahh? We're always around for support :) 
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,371 The Mix Elder
    Hey

    i have BPD. It has a lot of negative stigma around it, but I think it’s more diagnosed than we think.
    And it afffects people in so many different ways, though there are similarities, and does sound like BPD. But for me, most of the actual symptoms, I feel I don’t even relate to it but then again I dunno why i am even diagnosed with it. But I hope the telephone appiontment goes okay and you get some answer to help you. As a diagnosis can make people feel more clear about what is wrong and know sort of help they need. 

    All the best
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ld98ld98 NottinghamPosts: 5 Newbie
    Thanks for the kind words guys. Likewise, if anyone needs a hand or someone to speak to I'm a great listener and can sometimes offer good advice too.
    keewee95
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