[very long post] honest opinion on the reality of my first sexual relationship

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  MattK Posts: 12 Settling in

  July 2018 edited July 2018

  About a month goes by, and we didn't have any sex. It was probably mostly just couch movie activities or nothing at all and we'd just see each other for the day, eat some food, maybe do something fun, and leave when we had to go do something else. Nice and normal, healthy I thought.
  
  One day we went to the mall, shopped for 11 hours, and I remember feeling really bad because we had run in to a group of her friends. They asked if I was her boyfriend and she just replied 'it's complicated.' The truth was, we weren't in a relationship, but we had talked about the terms and in my mind we were essentially exclusive to each other. Regardless, it hurt my feelings and the rest of the day she could tell I wasn't in a great mood. She just kept saying "you're so quiet" and "you're so sensitive" and I felt like I had to just put on a mask and try to be happy or more talkative for her. I didn't do anything else bad, I couldn't ever feel sad around her, but by the end of the day, we were eating food in the car and I just wanted to sit in the back and hold her so I could at least feel like she wanted me. We ended up staying in the front, and I could barely eat my food. I told her I was upset and I just remember she didn't really budge on anything related to the relationship. She just asked kind of lightheartedly (it was sort of funny I guess because weren't in an official relationship) "so are we like breaking up now?" and we just drove home and talked about things on the way back. She didn't seem to have any fear if I decided to leave, or show any remorse; not that it was my angle to get her to, but just looking back on it, it just shows how she felt about the relationship compared to how I felt. Ultimately, I made it up in my mind that I wouldn't want to NOT have her around for the summer because I really wanted a girl to do fun things with and hang out with. At the end of the conversation, she said that sometimes she just doesn't feel like having sex. I just said ok, no problem, I don't care about sex anymore (I didn't really mean that last part about not caring anymore, but it kind of just came out in the moment).
  
  The hard part is that even though she didn't like sex, she also didn't like anything else. Prior to this talk, she didn't like me holding her, holding her hand, or even just putting my arm around her. It got to the point where whenever I tried she'd literally hiss at me or do something to interrupt me from making a move, and that shit hurt. After weeks of constant rejection, a couple weeks after the mall day I told her I missed having sex. She just said "that's the way it goes" and I either kept pressing or trying to hold her and she said more things, like "get a prostitute," "get a fat girlfriend if you like someone to hold," and a lot of stupid shit that day. I didn't know how to respond, I just kept carrying on like normal and like nothing was wrong, but did call her out for trying to take advantage of me (for what, I have no idea, I just remember her saying something and then bringing her body over to me and all I could do was laugh and call her out for it.)
  
  The next day, I couldn't help but feel paranoid and extremely anxious that she was seeing other guys, or didn't want me, or anything I could think of. 99% of things on the internet said that every sign she showed me meant the relationship was over, and I didn't know what to believe. From then on I just ended the relationship over text, became an anxious mess, and spiraled in to anxiety/depression over time.  
  
  All I can say is, by the end of the relationship, I wanted sex like a dog wants a bone. I feel stuck in that phase sometimes still, but as time goes on and the distance feels greater, I know it's just a thing. I just don't know how to get away from it. I just get so anxious and stuff from it that it makes it really hard to concentrate and makes me feel like super focused on sex or like I can't think of anything else at the moment, which makes communicating with people difficult. It is damaging to self esteem because I felt like sex was the issue in the relationship and ending it because of sex makes me the asshole, but really I think it was just what made me feel like she wanted me. It'll take time, but when therapy starts I can finally work on this issue. I tried getting help ASAP but the resources just weren't there, no available therapists and I didn't really think I needed it at the time so I didn't go to school for counseling. There were only a few weeks left in the semester anyway but I think it would have helped had I gone to them at the time, but now I know.

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  Siena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit

  July 2018 edited July 2018

  Hey

  
  

  Nice to read you found helpful before. Lots of members who are helpful with advice in sex & relationships part. Idk much on relationship stuff & i probably say load of shit but sure someone will reply after me. But either way i hope writing it all down helped you feel more clear on it!

  
  

  So It sounds like the relationship was pretty hard with balancing out your sexual desires. Which i think can be common. But i think Communicating about it - is so important and knowing each others boundaries. So like for instance wouldnt have to constantly ask if she wants soemthing as already know boundaries & desires and asking once or something and seeing nonverbal commucation would be enough. Instead of how you felt when you said you felt ‘pushy’ And i guess could feel awkward talking about boundaries and stuff. But think is important. And if feel like nothing can out of the relationship - can learn from that relationship aswell

  
  

  & Is important to compromise in relationship & i think even when comes to sex. And i read that compromising can make the relationship stronger. But yeah sometimes cant compromise on some situations & if youre so strongly wanting sex & other person doesnt. And that can break up a relationship as feel cant work out a way for both people and you feel youre not meeting your needs

  
  

  You said you wanted sex all the time. Do you still feel same? Idk but i think that sometimes can be to do with emtional stuff and sometimes have to work out what having sex feels for you, i mean obviously feels good but i mean is it when youre stressed causing you wanting more sex to release anxiety or stress or was it because you loved her a lot & wanted to show that? Or both. Or was just that it ‘made you feel wanted’ Idk. But otherways to feel wanted - spending time without physical contact ect. But obviously is natural to want sex a lot but soemtimes its not that healthy and can be addictive or a way to cope with feelings. As said felt anxious aswell. Idrk tbh. What do you think?

  
  

  I think therapy sounds like great way forward & i wish you all the best for it

  “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley

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  MattK Posts: 12 Settling in

  July 2018 edited July 2018

  Hey shaunie,
  
  Thanks for the great feedback and questions. I guess I did try talking about boundaries once, but honestly was really bad at it. I just asked her if it would be ok for me to ask her if she wanted to have sex, I didn't mean it like a "sex on demand" thing but just kind of a question about how you get it started now that we were having it. She seemed confused and said it sort of just happens, so, idk, I don't think either of us got far with that lol. I guess I was really just looking for tips or how she thought it should be.
  
  I'm happy to compromise on sex I think, and if I could go back I would change that. What I think needs to happen though is that it should happen early on, maybe after the first time you have sex or before if both people are worried about that kind of thing. I'd get confused so much because it felt like she was sending mixed messages between sex and just flirting sometimes, I didn't know that she didn't like it as much as I did. Ultimately, I kind of got to a very bad point where I bargained for sex over text and said it wasn't fair that I'd be buying her clothes, food, objects, driving over all the time, things like that. Very bad, I know now, but I said it. It kind of makes me bring up the question, was I just in it for the sex? How could I be this frustrated about one thing? I was just so extremely sexually frustrated that it was like I was a different person. I felt like we had no room to talk about sex any more because she just shot me down by telling me to get a prostitute instead of coming up with a solution. It just frustrated the hell out of me I guess. 
  
  I don't really see sex as just a physical thing. Emotionally, it was awesome, so I had it up in the same range as getting to hold your hand with your partner or throw an arm around them or hug them, just definitely the most extreme out of all of them. I wasn't really afraid to just talk about sex, but I think I slung the word around too much in a way that made me come off as demanding or really nonchalant about it, but it's hard to come up with a good sentence when you start to feel frustrated. I can't really remember what I said at this point, but it was frustrating because every time I started talking about it or asking about it she would block it by saying that she wasn't a toy, and that I should get a prostitute. Ugh. It just made no sense to me, I hadn't treated her like one, it just made me feel really connected with her like I just can't describe. I couldn't see myself wanting to have sex with anyone else at the time, the thought of it was just offputting, so like I don't know I guess I just wanted her not anyone else particularly. If a random girl had just walked up to me and asked to have sex I probably would have turned her down because I just wanted to be doing it with the girl I had already been having it with. 
  
  I guess I still want sex. I liked having it or doing things related to it most times that I saw her, and I only saw her once a week so it just felt kind of normal in spite of it being most of the times we saw each other. I was kind of just hoping we'd have more time in the summer to hang out and do more things but that never happened. In a moment of clarity, I did express to her over a text that I felt like we weren't intimate, and that confused her. I said that it seemed like she just didn't like any hand holding, any degree of physical contact, things like that. I said it felt the same as if she were to message me and I didn't respond. I said I've never had a girl to do this with, it was just the truth. On the inside it just hurt and made me feel not wanted! Idk, I felt like I was hitting a low point with this frustration and just needed her to help me for once and that I couldn't drag myself out of it by myself. I guess that's where things would be broken or made.
  
  Ultimately I was tired of feeling rejected for weeks; she'd say things like my skin was too slimy (I don't know what that means, I showered every day), my breath would smell (I'd brush probably 2x a day at least so idk), my fingernails were too sharp so they'd cut her up inside (that one was legitimate fear I think, but like I started to keep them cut after the first time she said that so I'm not sure). Just things that made me feel more rejected over time instead of accepted. 
  
  I'm in a mood right now, and it's the worst mood out of all for me I feel, where I'm just super sexually frustrated. It's hard to not think about it, and it spikes my anxiety up to where I can't concentrate or sit as still or slow myself down as well, I'm restless. It's easier to feel exhausted or tired and I guess it's just stress. It makes me want to contact the person but I'd just hit another wall of frustration and would cause more damage. It makes everything else in life feel more frustrating, or like I don't want to really do anything because I'm just frustrated or irritated. It's hard to talk to people, and I have to focus on listening more. It's difficult to feel relaxed or good when I do things that should make you feel good. My goal is to figure out how to cope with this mood to the point where I feel relaxed again, and hopefully learn a thing or two about listening and understanding other people's points of views. And if I could tell that person one thing it's that I really do like them but I guess I can't love them enough because damn it no matter what I do I'll just end up frustrated. I am able to keep myself really calm around her and stuff, and I still think that if she had wanted to do a relationship we could have kept things going just with more work on my end around the sex thing, but the problem was whenever we'd leave I'd go home frustrated and it would just ruin the rest of my week because I'd get anxious thoughts or something which made things really difficult to cope with. I went so far as to let her know I was seeking therapy because I felt so anxious and stuff, and I didn't know who else to tell other than my dad, and just wanted to say goodbye to her or get some closure but that never happened either.
  

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  Siena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit

  August 2018

  Exercise is suppose to help with sexual frustration- i read in your other post (i think) that you work out a lot, does it help your sexual frustation?
  
  Do you think youre thinking about this past relationship too much? - i mean i think its good to think about it to help heal- like write it in your journal for a good few minutes, get it all written down but then focus on the positives on the here and now & your day instead. Realise that might be easier said than done. 
  
  Do you think youre missing your ex or the feeling of being wanting? Because if so what about try dating again or too soon? Or just spending time with people who want you - like friends or family
  
  its really hard if you feel never got that closure. As may need for validation & understanding. May sound silly but have you thought about writting a letter of what you would of liked to said to her but not sending it? Or do you know a way you can get that closure?
  
  As cliche as may sound - but with time things can start to feel better. 
  
  Sorry if havent helped. All the best 

  “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley

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  MattK Posts: 12 Settling in

  August 2018 edited August 2018

  Hey Shaunie,
  
  No worries you are a great help. I'm just sending too much information haha. I guess I do think about it too much and with time I'm noticing it's easier to think about it less, like I'm getting a bit better at dismissing thoughts. I guess it's because I felt like I put so much in to it and have other aspects of my life that I feel I need to reevaluate now. I also am just not making it easy for myself to get over the feeling of hopelessness that you might get in to after a relationship, but I will figure out how to get around that. 
  
  To touch on the reevaluation thing, when the relationship was just beginning and kind of going well, life felt really normal, and I did not have to think very hard all the time. I just concentrated on school and knew how to take care of myself; I spent the free time seeing friends or this person. I definitely put a lot of concentration on school and what I could do with what I was studying. Maybe it is because I didn't feel as pressured to worry about a relationship or making sure to put myself out there. It made my tough semester really easy, until insecurities started to creep in towards the end. Honestly, it even freaks me out a little bit, but I feel a bit more cynical now and like life is a lot tougher than it should be. I don't know if you've ever listened to Black Sabbath; I used to listen to them and it would just pump me up. Now when I listen to the music, I feel way more connected to the lyrics and like whatever they're singing about describes the lens I'm viewing the world with (maybe listen to Sabbath Bloody Sabbath if you would like, good song, I'm not really a gloomy metalhead person or anything I swear but right now it's just a new perspective I guess).
  
  Admittedly I've tried a lot of the techniques and usually find myself repeating them but I guess it is not a one-day solution kind of thing. I started reading a book yesterday on insecurity and stuff and it talks about techniques to think more positively which has helped me with my mindfulness a bit so far. I met a pretty cool girl the other day and gave her my number, it is just nice to be able to do that, may or may not get a date out of it but what I am trying to make sure I do is to start loving myself more so that if I do get involved with this person I don't damage anything because of old insecurities. I would say what I miss the most is how much I loved myself before the relationship and how easy it was to enjoy the company of others and just being present. I'm starting to recognize how certain things made me feel worse about myself, for example in my last relationship it felt like she had a lot of stuff on her mind so she never knew if she was free. I rolled with it but it was not very fun tbh, when you are more committed to making plans to see the other person than it feels like they are. It also felt hard to make conversation, like whenever I was being genuine she seemed to not have much to say because I don't think she was really all that present.
  
  I was more used to my friendships, where most of the time my friends would ask to see me, and whenever I had an idea I might ask them to hang out, and if anything came up for one of us it was easy to just say what was up and not be upset about it or anything. It felt spontaneous and easy. I guess I was just super passionate about it because it was my first opportunity for a relationship and I tried to apply everything I learned from my friendships but none of it seemed to apply very well. I might have tried too hard at times or overthought but ultimately I think being with her just dragged my mood down and it's hard for me to understand why. I'll repeat again but like I loved being present and with people and wanted to chase dreams, and it was so easy for me to talk genuine and not overthing. I never got the vibe that she was the same kind of person but I just stuck with her anyway because it seemed kind of wrong not to, she showed me physical intimacy but not anything emotional I guess.  By the end of the relationship, I felt so jaded that even if she did start opening up or acting different I would not have been able to reciprocate very well because I was out of it by that point. It hurts to think that I wasn't able to be my best self with her and like I let her down a little bit in that way, but that is just in my head. Right now I feel kind of the opposite of how I used to be, but just want to try and get back there and not be cynical or abandon my dreams.
  
  
  

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  MattK Posts: 12 Settling in

  August 2018 edited August 2018

  Hey Shaunie,
  
  Thanks for your reply. You are a great help. I've been able to take more time to be more mindful the past week or so. I definitely think too much about it, and admittedly have tried pretty much everything you would do to get it off your mind, but as you said with time it just gets easier.
  
  I've been focusing on a lot of self-talk, reading up on strategies for staying positive, things like that. I've also been able to put myself out there a little bit, and talk to other women for fun and to try and get some dates. It causes fears/emotions to arise sometimes, but it's something that I am a little better at handling. It is all just going to help give me more perspective in the end. All in all, I'm left kind of just wondering what goals I have in life and what I really want to do with myself.
  
  I kind of have made it a goal in my mind to keep applying for internships and co-ops until I get something. I just have fears though that I might not like my work, or that I am just throwing myself down this path because I don't really know what else to do. I feel like this because, after simply applying for some jobs on craigslist the other day related to my major, I started to get that same old feel of anxiety and fight or flightyness that I knew a few months ago after I started having the relationship problems. All I did was open up my some of my old homework to submit as a kind of portfolio. It makes me feel like I'm losing myself. I'm not sure what that really says, and I feel like I have to control myself more and just keep myself calm. I can easily spend the next day or two a little extra on alert, and I don't know how to calm that feeling down. It just doesn't disappear or seem to necessarily subside until I make it an effort to forget about whatever I planned on doing originally. Perhaps there's just a void in my heart from not having that person to connect with. I either would like to study something else in another field that interests me, or try out an internship first so I can see if I would at least be ok with the workplace which is a lot different from the course material. The big hope is that I could learn to work through this and get back to doing the same kind of homework and number-crunching without it throwing me for a loop.
  
  The work is certainly stressful, but I guess what kills me is that I know that same stress is part of what made me a lot more anxious when it came to the relationship. At least I think. It's difficult to piece together what all my feelings meant. I ultimately need a goal/purpose in life, so I am kind of just digging away with engineering right now but it doesn't feel really easy or clear even though it's all right in front of me. It makes the rest of my life feel a bit like not knowing what's up or down too which is exhausting lol. That's the best way I can describe it. I hope that makes some sense, and thank you so much for your comments, it's really nice to have someone to talk to!
  
  
  

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  Siena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit

  August 2018

  I think its just really great that youre really trying, it can just actually take a lot to even apply for stuff. I know i personally find it really hard, but thats probably because i dont have as much motivation as you.
  If you dont like it after applying you can always try new stuff. And its hard to know what job you want ect & not always straight forward. And just keep focusing on your life and your goals is good to help overcome the relationship. 
  
  Though having people around who are supportive could help. As everything can be stressful for anyone. But can learn to manage to make it worth while. 
  Keep letting us know how youre getting on if youd like! 
  
  

  “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley

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  MattK Posts: 12 Settling in

  August 2018 edited August 2018

  Hey Shaunie,
  
  Idk I guess I'm just frustrated about stress but each time I get frustrated or back to stressed I seem to come at it with a new perspective or just a willingness to figure out why I'm stressed. I think I'm dealing with chronic stress.
  
  For the past few days I haven't been sleeping very well. A couple of weeks ago, when I was feeling really depressed, I took the steps I normally would to help with depression. Exercise was the big one. I started eating more but would say that causes me some stress, not a lot though. I also kind of connected with someone at the gym who is also dealing with anxiety and things like that and I am sure a lot of stress. Different situations, but some of the same resulting issues I think. They work at the gym but I seem to really like talking to them some but have to be careful because it's well a girl who is not necessarily interested in me for a relationship. I think we just both like talking to each other because it's a nice emotional outlet. I just have to consider reality as well though as they have a kid at a young age and recently got back with an ex. 
  
  Aside from that, I want to get back in to things that I used to enjoy. I accepted a coaching position this fall but admittedly that has me stressed out somewhat because I struggle to show up to work or things I need to be responsible for with concentration and capacity to work. I was going to delay accepting the position until I settled in with school, but one of the kids texted me and wanted me to coach so I just felt like I should have accepted it. I informed him that I was going through tough times and just couldn't necessarily be the best every practice (once a week) but if he really wanted me vs another coach they were thinking of hiring then I should probably do it. I lift weights 3x/week ideally, but that also has me somewhat stressed out, but I don't really know of a better exercise option. 
  
  All in all, these things shouldn't quite stress me out the way they do, but they just do. I think it's a part of chronic stress. Things that are mildly stressful are amplified. The most difficult part for me is the insomnia side effect. For the past 3 nights I've gotten 5-6 hours of sleep. It's not really a sustainable amount of sleep for me, and I'm not sure how to adjust my course so that I can get better sleep. I've accepted the coaching position, wish to keep up with weightlifting, and have school this monday. From there I might have to get settled in to a new job. Ugh. It just all keeps me from getting good rest. It's not a whole lot of stuff, really, I've done it before, but this time around is just harder... I have 3 work shifts this weekend where I know I probably won't get to sleep until some time after 12:00am. I'd like to focus on sleep and how I can improve my insomnia, but I know that my efforts will be curbed by these hours. Argh. Oh well. End of the day, I can make the necessary changes if I have to, but I just wish the stress wasn't so stressful. Argh. All I can start to think about when I get stressed out is how I am getting stressed out by things. I will try to not think about it as much but can't help but worry if I'm not getting the right amount of sleep.

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  Siena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit

  August 2018

  Hey MattK
  
  Nice to hear from you again! I totally empathsis with you will stress causing lack of sleep. I struggle with insomina. Like can be so hard to just switch my brain off from everyday life to go to sleep. I get so stressed all the time & hurts my jaw for some reason & can affect my breathing  but i try ways to help me sleep at night but not going on my phone, trying meditation or mindfullness, having a bath or anything relaxing to try to switch off.
  
  Its reallly shit though because after not sleeping for one day- lack of sleep causes more stress and then the next day twice as stressed from agigation & lack concentration because havent sleep then cant sleep again and massive cycle. And insomia can totally mess up things you even enjoy. So i think really important to try to sort that out. I find medication is most effective for me, its not the best way though. But are you on any meds?
  
  Nice to read youre speaking to others girls. Even if not nesically in that way. But think just helpful to soicalise with anyone. But do you think you wanna start dating again, putting yourself more out there ect? As you said you liked talking to her. 
  
  hope youre feeling okay today

  “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley

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