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Life is really hard right now...(Possibly Triggering)

blue22blue22 Posts: 5 Newbie
Back in April me and my best friend met these two guys, we went to the beach with them the next day and hung out and it was great. That day was probably one of the last really good days I would have for a while. Now I'm not gonna say names so I'll call these guys L and D and my best friend S. When we were heading back from the beach D started flirting with me and also with S and she told me after so I decided not to flirt back so much bc I had just gotten out of a situation where a guy liked me and S and I stepped back and let them be happy together even though I got hurt. So I decided not to get involved too much and to not flirt or anything. S and D had sex a few days after the beach. I was kinda sad bc I liked D but I decided to let it go. So when the 4 of us would hang out S and D were next to each other most of the time which left me with L. 

Now a side note about L, I didn't trust him when I met him. I thought there was something off but D seemed like a good guy so I figured L was cool too and I was being paranoid. After all I already have trust issues so I figured I'd give them both a chance. Anyways I usually was next to L and talking more to him which was okay for a while but I thought he was gonna try and get with me so I asked him and he said no and I was very clear and told him that I saw him as a friend only. That was a couple weeks after we'd met them. A few days after that conversation the 4 of us were drinking at D's house. S and D both fell asleep on one couch late into the night and I fell asleep next to L on the other couch. I fell asleep and then was half asleep when L moved and started to hold my hand and kissed my head, I was still a bit drunk and very tired so I didn't move and tried to go back to sleep. I don't remember everything that happened bc I was drunk and half asleep or asleep for a lot of it. But the next time I started waking up some L was putting his hand down my pants. I panicked and I couldn't move I just started shaking and so L, thinking I was having a nightmare, went to "wake" me up and stopped what he was doing. It was probably around 4 am so he got up and I went to wake up S bc we needed to go home and L was our ride. That was the longest car ride home of my life, I couldn't say what happened to me to S bc I was stuck in the car with L.

When I finally got home I texted S and told her to be careful and to text me when she got home and then said what happened. I was shaking and crying and I felt so awful and I started remembering back to a similar thing that happened when I was 10 years old. S was supportive as any best friend would be and assured me that it wasn't my fault and that she wouldn't make me come hang out with them again if I didn't want to. She still wanted to hang out with them tho and I was too scared to say what happened to D bc L was his best friend and I didn't think he'd believe me bc we hadn't known each other that long. I wanted to forget what had happened rather than deal with it. So after a few days I was out hanging out with them again, this time putting distance between me and L. S had told him to keep some distance and that I shouldn't be alone with him. L ended up telling D what he did, I'm not sure what he said exactly. One night L pulled me aside and said he wanted to apologize to me and so I let him and he ended up saying how sorry he was and how he "wasn't that type of guy" and that it wasn't his fault. He said that a demon made him do it. (Something else to know about L, he's very manipulative and I've come to believe since all this has happened that he is a sociopath from things he's said to other people and how he acts. I confronted L once and asked him why he did what he did and he said that it was because I was "an easy target.")

I felt like I was going to have a panic attack after the conversation and I walked off. I told D what happened bc he came over to check on me. S came over too and comforted me. D said he wanted to talk to me alone for a little while so S went back to L. I later found out that he was crying or looked like he was about to cry from S and that he kept saying it wasn't his fault. Anyways D took my side from the get go and we started talking more and eventually flirting after a while, he said he didn't want to keep having sex with S and so he said he wanted to make out with me sometime. We ended up having sex and then a week or so later he said he liked me. L was upset at D bc they had apparently made an agreement that D needed to not have sex with me and stay away from me since L liked me. The same day D said he liked me L told me that he had fallen in love with me. I was very confused, and didn't understand how he could say that to me after what he'd done. L left for a few days and when he came back I told him that me and D had had sex. He was upset and later D and L talked about it and ended up not being friends anymore. L blamed me and D for the ending of their friendship even though I hadn't known about the agreement until after me and D had already had sex. Another thing worth mentioning is that L threatened to kill D's son if he didn't stay away from me. 

So back to me and my best friend S. She was annoyed that D said he didn't want to have sex with her anymore. And then when D told me and everyone else that he liked me I was scared to say I liked him back. I was afraid I'd get hurt so I ended up acting kinda weird about it and so D ended up doing stuff with S again. I got upset and then I told him I liked him and he said he wouldn't have done stuff with S if I would have said that before. So then we went back to having sex after we talked about things. D also said he wasn't gonna have sex with S while me and him were having sex. Cut to about a month ago, S knew I liked D as soon as I had told D I liked him back bc she was my best friend and I told her everything. She went to hang out with D while I was sick with food poisoning one day and I asked her to tell me if they did anything bc she had been talking about how she wanted alone time with D and hadn't gotten any recently, all while knowing I liked him. She was going to have sex with D that day and then D told her " if we do this B won't ever trust you again." (B is representative of my name) She replied with "I never told B I'd stop having sex with you." He took her home after that and they didn't do anything. That was the last time they hung out one on one. 

S and L and some new friends started hanging out, which was fine except that they were talking shit on D and me saying how horrible we were and how we were both selfish and shit. I didn't know that they were shit talking me at the time or I wouldn't have gone to hang out with them, I really just went bc S was going. Well a couple weeks ago S told me that she and L had done some stuff. I was shocked, my own best friend was doing sexual stuff with the guy who sexually assaulted me. She showed me hickies and laughed about it. I couldn't process what she was saying so I just told her to be careful and to not say details bc it made me uncomfortable. A few days later I heard L and S's friends joking with L asking if he'd cleaned the backseat of his car. I texted S immediately and asked her if she'd had sex with L and she said yes. I wasn't surprised but I felt hurt and confronted her about it, asking her why she'd have sex with the guy who sexually assaulted me. She then proceeded to tell me that I " couldn't prove what happened." and that "shit happens". I was fucking furious and couldn't believe that my best friend would take his side after what he did. It's been a few weeks since I talked to my best friend about it, I haven't hung out with her and I've cut L completely out of my life. I barely talk to her. I miss my best friend but I can't forgive her. 

Comments

  • PuffinEthicsPuffinEthics Posts: 74 Moderator
    Hi @blue22

    Thanks for sharing this, you've articulated it all very well. 
    It sounds like quite a complicated situation, I'm sorry to hear that you were hurt, and now your friend isn't being supportive, that must be difficult. 
    How are things between you and D now that L and S aren't around you guys?

    I can imagine you feel hurt by how you friend has acted, have you been able to talk it out with her, or is it something you feel you guys won't be able to talk about?

    Not forgiving her is understandable, do you feel like you can move on? Or do you feel like your kind of stuck? 

    From what you've said, it sounded like quite a complicated mix of feelings that you and your friend had, do you feel more positive not having these people in your life, or are there good things about your friendship with S that are missing for you now? 

    It doesn't mean you can't find them elsewhere, it may just help to think about what you are actually missing. Have you talked to other friends and family about the situation?

    How are you feeling generally? 

    Thanks for sharing, we're all here for you, and we're listening :) 

    -Puffin Ethics
  • blue22blue22 Posts: 5 Newbie
    Hi @blue22

    Thanks for sharing this, you've articulated it all very well. 
    It sounds like quite a complicated situation, I'm sorry to hear that you were hurt, and now your friend isn't being supportive, that must be difficult. 
    How are things between you and D now that L and S aren't around you guys?

    I can imagine you feel hurt by how you friend has acted, have you been able to talk it out with her, or is it something you feel you guys won't be able to talk about?

    Not forgiving her is understandable, do you feel like you can move on? Or do you feel like your kind of stuck? 

    From what you've said, it sounded like quite a complicated mix of feelings that you and your friend had, do you feel more positive not having these people in your life, or are there good things about your friendship with S that are missing for you now? 

    It doesn't mean you can't find them elsewhere, it may just help to think about what you are actually missing. Have you talked to other friends and family about the situation?

    How are you feeling generally? 

    Thanks for sharing, we're all here for you, and we're listening :) 

    -Puffin Ethics
    Things are okay between me and D but it's kinda weird bc we're friends but we also have sex. We're probably never going to be in a relationship so I don't know if he'll still want to be friends with me after we stop doing stuff. 

    I've tried to talk to her but she gets very defensive or doesn't reply and she's been lying about me to people so I cut all contact with her. I guess I'll never get the answers to my questions. 

    I feel stuck, I have other friends but now I'm scared to trust anyone bc S was my "best friend" and she's saying all this crap about me now. 

    I'm glad L is out of my life, I wish I'd cut him out sooner. I miss S, we had so many good years of friendship. I miss having a best friend we used to talk about everything before she started lying and then all of this. We were so close, but after all this theres no going back. She completely turned her back on me. She could never be my best friend again and I doubt she even cares about me at all anymore. I feel like an idiot for ever thinking she cared.

    I've told my other friends and they support me, I told my parents too and they also are on my side. 

    In general I feel very sad and empty, I feel like I'm never going to have another best friend. I feel like I'll never be able to trust anyone completely. 

    Thank you :) @Puffin Ethics
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