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I don’t think I’m a valued friend

LouieSAFCLouieSAFC Posts: 2 Newbie
in Health & Wellbeing

Hi everyone, before this starts I'd like to mention that I'm unsure where I should have posted this. I don't see myself as suffering from problems as serious as depression, however the matter is making me consider possible deeper feelings. 

Anyway, my name is Louie. I'm a 14 year old, coming on 15. I feel this is important as I would like to consider myself quite intelligent and as a result I am well aware of my possible pubescent feelings and overreactions.However I equally feel like I need to vent my frustration and, as you will soon find out, I don't really have someone physically to go to.

My dilemma is this. I get along well with a small group of people during school, so much to the point where I would call them friends. This has been the case for about a year and a half. That being said, I don’t think they feel the same kind of friendship towards me as I do to them. It seems like they only interact with me when there’s no other option. I’ll give you an example of what I mean. The school week passes with conversation. The final day ofthe week comes and goes with no real plans being made. Keep in mind that I seldom have something to do on my weekends so I’m always free. (I’ve made this clear to them multiple times.) When to my dismay, I learn on the first day back that their weekend was comprised of fun with each other and going out etc. I often find out about this by either my parents seeing the group out without me and asking why I didn’t go (to which I reply that I wasn’t invited) or through the groups discussion of a particularfunny moment or something similar. What’s more, they openly talk about these things in my presence, yet expect me to go unaffected. As you can hopefully tell by the nature of this post, I don’t.

And despise my attempts to show I want to get involved, both subtle hints and literally asking to be involved, my weeks of not doing anything continue. If I’m lucky I’ll get invited to go somewhere, but only if there’s no other option. 

This pattern, this constant cycle. It hurts. I don’t know what my feelings are. Anger? Loneliness? Sadness? Jealousy? Perhaps a mixture of them all. One thing is certain though, I feel alone, abandoned, forgotten. Unwanted. 

I don’t get it, I really really don’t. They include me in school but not out? While everyone else is invited? What am I doing wrong that is inhibiting me from being invited? Am I just a distraction? A tag along that is unneeded in any outside activities? Are they trying to tell me they want rid of me but don’t want to say it like it is? I’m completely lost. Maybe I’m just overreacting. Hormonal. 

I’d love to hear all of your opinions, thoughts and perhaps advice on this dilemma of mine. Am I just an angsty teen? Or do I need to re-evaluate where I place my friendships?

Sorry if this was too long, have a nice day everyone :)

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    AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    Hi Louie you are not alone, abandoned, forget ten or unwanted. By the sounds of it to me your not doing anything wrong. Its okay to feel all kinds of emotions that a normal part of being a teenager you came to the right place for help we are always here. If they don't want you around maybe try finding some new people to be friend? If that's not easy I understand it can be hard or maybe you could go out on your own and and have your own fun? 
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    Heya Louie. 

    I dont think youre over reacting or becuase youre hormonal. I think at some point everyone gets the feeling of being left out from a group of friends. And yeah i think it does really hurt for anyone at any age. It is a v horrible feeling and like you said can add to all feelings like jelously, worthless and unwanted. Know ive been in similar situation and i fet like there was something wrong with me. 

    But you deserve to feel respected tho and comfortable from your friends. And sometimes sadly does mean re evaulating your friendships and leaving them if its not making you happy. 

    Is there a reason to why you think they would not invite you? I think maybe Sometimes people may just asume someone doesnt wanna meet out side of school and some only do wanna socialise in school.? When they openly talk about these things, maybe that is your time to mention how you feel? Or something?
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    JamJarJamJar Posts: 274 The Mix Regular

    Hi Louie! I have to say that although you may say you are potentially overreacting due to pubescent hormones, it seems like you’re handling this situation really maturely. I actually dealt with a very similar relationship with my friends when I was at school and it is a very confusing situation to find yourself. Exactly as you say, the mixed messages of them being nice and inclusive to you in school but then silently exclusive to you outside of school leaves you feeling paralysed.

    This happens to a surprising amount of people when they are growing up and often another way for people to spend their time is then with their siblings or parents… I know this may not be a solution for you but do you have any siblings or family that you could spend more time with?

    I read this article recently that you might find interesting to read: http://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/friendship/why-do-my-friends-keep-leaving-me-out-13762.html

    In the article, the psychotherapist says that a way to try and treat the problem can be to

                   "Try approaching the person you’ve felt closest to in the group. At a good moment, take them aside and share with them that you’ve felt hurt and left out and see if they can be more thoughtful with you in the future. Getting one person away from the crowd often helps in situations like this. If that feels too scary, it’s worth confiding in a parent or teacher. Explain what’s been happening and see if you can get help, or think up a solution together."

    I understand if any or all of these solutions do not seem possible but I would like to say that you sound like a very smart, mature young man and that if you wanted to try and make new friends you would have no problem at all 😊

    Really hope one of these options might be helpful? If not, there is always someone from the Mix community here to talk if you feel like responding to this post…

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    ellezeeellezee Posts: 12 Settling in
    Hi Louie, 

    I'm really sorry ur going thru this and while i don't really have any helpful advice I can give u I jus want to say I'm sorry and that for what it's worth I care. 

    Hope u have a better day, 

    LZ x
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    TheAprilFoolTheAprilFool Posts: 187 Helping Hand
    Hello,
    I've been in similar situations a few times where someone wants to spend time with me while I'm around but doesn't invite me to places outside of that. I think that it's often just the case that people feel closer to other people in the group for whatever reason. Do they have clubs or anything that they take part in together after school that could mean that they end up meeting without you? You've been a part of the group for quite some time now so it's okay to expect to be closer to them than you seem to be. It seems as though they are aware of your feelings and you have tried to talk to them about it before. I think it might be best to find new people to hang around with. You don't have to stop talking to your current group, but being a part of various social groups would allow you to feel less alone when you don't get invited to one group's activities. 

    I hope things get better for you soon :)
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    RileyRiley Moderator Posts: 991 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey there just to say I'm gonna go ahead and close this thread since it's nearly a year old at this point. While it's great to see you both being so supportive @ellezee and @TheAprilFool make sure you keep an eye on when a thread was made before responding to it. :)
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