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I feel so suicidal. I keep crying all the time😭 I'm at my mums at the mo and I just keep crying. I cried to my mum earlier on and she held my hand and she said she's still got to work, the only way she'd give up work is if I moved back in and she'd become my full time carer and go on benefits. I'm meant to be going back to my house tonight but my mum said earlier on cant I stop tonight aswell (but we havent asked Howie yet if he can bring me back tomorrow) so I dont know if I am or not and I dont know if its best if I do go back tonight because then it will just be like shall I stop another night, another night and one more night ect and the longer I stay at my mums the harder its going to be going back to my house. So I dont know. But I really want to kill myself asap, I wont be able to do that whilst at my mums. Plus its an hours drive and I havent got my meds for after today so I would have to go back tomorrow because I have appointments too but I want to cancel all my appointments anyway. So its not like we can just pop round to get my meds. I have so much strength, people tell me so surely I can use that one last time to end my life. I just keep thinking that tonight if I go back I'll be giving my mum the biggest hug and saying 'bye' because it will be the last time I'll see her, the last time that she hears me, the last time I'll be posting on here ect. I've already been told that I'm selfish and not thinking of my mum. I've been thinking about her all the bloody time. I love her so much😭 but I cant cope anymore. I feel like I have the biggest decission in my life to make to do it or not evan though I already feel like I have made that decission now. I've just got to do it. I wrote a suicide letter the other day and I told my support worker and cpn where it is. It's a lot to weigh up😭