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LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 The Mix Regular
I feel so suicidal. I keep crying all the time😭 I'm at my mums at the mo and I just keep crying. I cried to my mum earlier on and she held my hand and she said she's still got to work, the only way she'd give up work is if I moved back in and she'd become my full time carer and go on benefits. I'm meant to be going back to my house tonight but my mum said earlier on cant I stop tonight aswell (but we havent asked Howie yet if he can bring me back tomorrow) so I dont know if I am or not and I dont know if its best if I do go back tonight because then it will just be like shall I stop another night, another night and one more night ect and the longer I stay at my mums the harder its going to be going back to my house. So I dont know. But I really want to kill myself asap, I wont be able to do that whilst at my mums. Plus its an hours drive and I havent got my meds for after today so I would have to go back tomorrow because I have appointments too but I want to cancel all my appointments anyway. So its not like we can just pop round to get my meds. I have so much strength, people tell me so surely I can use that one last time to end my life. I just keep thinking that tonight if I go back I'll be giving my mum the biggest hug and saying 'bye' because it will be the last time I'll see her, the last time that she hears me, the last time I'll be posting on here ect. I've already been told that I'm selfish and not thinking of my mum. I've been thinking about her all the bloody time. I love her so much😭 but I cant cope anymore. I feel like I have the biggest decission in my life to make to do it or not evan though I already feel like I have made that decission now. I've just got to do it. I wrote a suicide letter the other day and I told my support worker and cpn where it is. It's a lot to weigh up😭
Shaunie

Comments

  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0 Literally just got here
    Hey @Lostsense

    I think it's wonderful your mum is offering to give up her job to become your full time carer, and go on benefits. She must love you very much. My mother did not. She hated me and wrote me a letter to prove it. She died last Boxing Day. Nobody looked after me full time, so your dear mum must love you very much - and you are loved no matter what you say.

    Harming yourself may be tempting right now, but you must think of some coping methods. I think you should tell your mum. And I feel it would be for the best if you went back home. You see, if your mum didn't love you, she wouldn't offer to be your full time carer. But she does.

    Sorry there is nobody here to help you right now, but they may be studying/revising for their exams next week. But I want you to hang on and if its poss you come to support chat or even support circle. Can you do that? I've booked to go to 'circle tonight so will be there for you to talk to. *Hugs*

    Mandy
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 The Mix Regular
    I don't think that would work out though 1)me moving back in with my mum and 2)her being my full time carer. It is thoughtful though.

    Why do you feel it would be best if I went back home?

    I'm not booked to come into support circle but someone might give the password out like last week lol. I can poss come into support chat but I dont know if thats best because I might say too much, I maybe too distressed for the group environment so I may get told off😐 + if I go home tonight we might be in the car at 8pm. I need to speak to my mum and Howie. I'll let you know here inabit if I can make ir or not once I know the plans😘
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0 Literally just got here
    Lostsense wrote: »
    I don't think that would work out though 1)me moving back in with my mum and 2)her being my full time carer. It is thoughtful though.

    Why do you feel it would be best if I went back home?

    I'm not booked to come into support circle but someone might give the password out like last week lol. I can poss come into support chat but I dont know if thats best because I might say too much, I maybe too distressed for the group environment so I may get told off😐 + if I go home tonight we might be in the car at 8pm. I need to speak to my mum and Howie. I'll let you know here inabit if I can make ir or not once I know the plans😘

    I feel it would be best you go home because clearly you are not coping.
    Never mind about not coming to 'circle, I hope to be in support chat sometime this week. I do understand about your saying too much. Being too distressed, I mean. And I know about 'DID', one of the young ones in my family has it.

    Pm me if you want. :)
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 The Mix Regular
    What are we calling 'home' here? The shared house I live in or at my mums (where I am at the mo)?
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0 Literally just got here
    Lostsense wrote: »
    What are we calling 'home' here? The shared house I live in or at my mums (where I am at the mo)?

    At your mum's.
    If she gives up her job, she'll become your full time carer, yeah? I think that would be for the best. It would help you a lot. You need a carer and your mum must love you lots. :)
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 The Mix Regular
    Ah okay.

    Yep that's right. I dont think my mum being my carer would work in reality lol. I need to just find suppported accomodation closer to my mums
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0 Literally just got here
    Lostsense wrote: »
    Ah okay.

    Yep that's right. I dont think my mum being my carer would work in reality lol. I need to just find suppported accomodation closer to my mums

    Ask mum to help you find supported accomodation, or a friend. I think that would be cool.
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 The Mix Regular
    Just spoke with my mum and Howie. I'm staying at my mums again tonight. So I'll probs be in gc at 8pn. Regarding moving closer to my mums in supported accomodation my cpn knows and she's going to refer me to social services for a 'social care assesment' when I have that hopefully by Chistmas it will help me mover closer to my mums my cpn said.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0 Literally just got here
    That sounds good. And I'm glad you're staying at mum's tonight. :)
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