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"It's alright to cry"

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Mum and everyone said stay at home while they go out grocery shopping, so having finished my coursework I went down to our greenhouse. It's nice and warm there though I took a thermos of tea. While checking over my plants and some chrysanthemums I'm growing for neighbours' Christmas presents, I suddenly sat and began crying. Crying isn't something I do a lot. Like to be seen being strong for everyone, especially mum when she gets a bout of severe anxiety. But this time I wept. I cried like a baby. Big tears. It wasn't that I felt sorry for myself or doing self-pity; I just sobbed.

I looked up to see [name removed] entering the greenhouse. She wrapped her arms around me, my 13 year old kissed the top of my head and stroked my neck, her motherliness making me cry even more.

"It's alright to cry, big sis," she said. "I can be strong for you, too."

[name removed] thumbed my tears away. "Really, it's fine. You need support, too what with our plonka father gone."

I said I also suffer abandonment issues. Recently losing a friend for breaking a confidence in telling her parents she self-harmed made me so upset, and seemingly losing an online friend today for messaging her too much made me even more unhappy, but [name removed] cheered me up and thanking her I said she was right.

When we watch the telly, my little sis likes sitting on my lap sucking her thumb, with her teddybear. I said even when she feels all grown up at just 13, she still likes her teddybears. I got a poke for that. biggrinbackup.gif

So we took a taxi into town while I texted mum that [name removed] and I were out for a while. I took her to a men's outfitters, for a I had a plan. The shop was posh, but instantly I saw a rather lovely fedora and bought it for [name removed]. She was thrilled, and I also bought her a long scarf in fine merino wool. The fedora was an expensive Italian import, but my little sister is worth it. On our way to the taxi rank, she pulled me to a Land Rover garage and there she pointed at a used, but beautifully fitted out Defender 110. It was in fire engine red, and guess what? I bought! It was nicely fitted out to a 'Khan custom with race seats and alloy corners so if careless drivers backed into the truck, they'd probably bounce off. What was extra-good was its relative low mileage, a tad over 30,000 miles and it was a petrol engine, so no diesel taxation.

Two hours later I drove it home. Everyone was thrilled including my girlfriend who said it could be our selfie-wedding present for next spring when we get wed. I said great, and felt it. I've known Dixie for 4 years now and the last 2 we've been serious. She's a couple of years older and lives with us, part of our family. Later I told her of crying my heart out and she said the same as [name removed].

You see, it really is alright to cry. I can't be strong all of the time, but admitting it was for the first time today, and that has helped me rake back some control over my stubborn self. I am so grateful for my little sister's honesty, her love, her caring. And best of all, she made me laugh at myself. :)

Julie

Comments

  • MochanMochan Posts: 65 The answer to life, the universe, and everything
    Hi @Princesa

    Thanks for sharing. It's important to acknowledge that it took courage not only to share that story but also to allow yourself to cry. You mentioned that you like to be seen as strong for everyone which may feel like a large weight on your shoulders, but it doesn't mean that expressing your emotions isn't important.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Mochan

    This morning I had a seriously good work out in our home gym, belting the living daylights out on our punchball to rid myself of 'the worries'. I'm physically fit and eat like a horse. As does [name removed] and Mandy. If it's raining we can exercise, and that is a great mood lifter and does us good.

    Dixie, my 20 year old French partner hasn't been free this week. She's a freelance accountant, but this week finished late. She has more accountancy exams to do, but is highly skilled in her career in addition to helping us cope with our ups and downs, blips and flops. When we arrived to mum's here for the winter, Dixie's clients have given her enough work to see her through to the beginning of February. When we return to Majorca next year, she will do accountancy for her hoteliers and small-supermarket clients in Can Picafort our nearby tourist resort. For the last 4 years Dixie has been absolutely wonderful, and mum adores her.

    Thankfully Dixie doesn't suffer anxiety or any mental health issues. When her beloved Grandfather died, her mother became spiteful when all she was left were his properties. She took her nastiness out on her daughter. Dixie was bequeathed her grandfather's fortune and a very valuable violin and a cello. Upset at her mother's hostility and manipulative ways, she left home and came to live with us. Sharing some of the annuity left her, Dixie paid for the renovation of our Majorcan and British properties and a new roof for here. On seeing my big red fire engine of a truck on the drive this morning, she loved it so much that she gave me half its cost.

    I feel good for her praising me for buying the Land Rover Defender 110. It has enough room for all of us, our luggage and musical instruments so we can drive home next year, taking the ferry on our last leg to Majorca. Dixie's accountancy skills made her realise that airlines would charge a fortune flying our belongings and band gear home, thus lifting my burden of worry when approving my choice of truck. This afternoon I'm feeling great from this morning's workout and last night's wonderful encouragement from The Mix staff in Sc and General chat.

    Dixie said that crying is not a weakness, but acts as a safety valve. She said crying prevents me from bottling my emotions. Yesterday she asked [name removed] to stay at home and give me support, and this my little sister bravely did. Our family look out for each other, but mum continues being sick. To make her more mobile from her arthritis, I bought her a lightweight Travelscoot so she can whizz around the supermarket. Yesterday she went grocery shopping and loved her mobility scooter's agility.


    Wise and informed, Dixie says my sisters and I suffer stress disorder caused by abandonment. When our father left us, my sisters and I felt bereft, for we were close to him, especially me. Dad's departure triggered severe anxiety in mum, and I suffered abandonment according to Dixie who remembered I also lost a friend to cancer. She asked our doctor to refer me to a therapist. Irresponsibly, the therapist made me relive my memories, during which my recall made me a crying mess. Hearing me so distraught, Dixie marched in to the therapist's room and took me home, accusing the woman of unravelling all the confidence that she had built up in me during the last two years. Now, my darling is lifting us out of our nightmares. She built up [name removed] and Mandy's confidence, helping them with their complex coursework from home schooling. This morning, Dixie said the same as you that expressing one's emotions is important and takes courage. She gave each of us a journal to write up our feelings, for writing can be such a release. I bought my two sisters a lovely fountain pen each which they cherish, and I use mine to write with, for fountain pens also enhance our handwriting.

    This afternoon we've been having band practise. Jon our percussionist arrived with his wife, his wife so lovely to mum. Dixie played her lovely Amati, [name removed] her rare, but beautiful sounding Martin acoustic I bought for her 13th birthday, Mandy (16) played her lovely clarinet and me on my stage piano, vintage Waldorf Wave synth and recently updated Moog Model D. I also bought a Nord Stage 3 and new software. OS v1. 12, a self-pressie for my 18th. I love this Swedish hand built keyboard. It produces glorious sounds when we perform on our mobile touring stage. Presently we are scoring a Celtic folk opera. It's bringing such joy to us. We are compiling another album to include B[name removed] this time. She's a natural at music. Since she was 5 years old she's had great tutoring, so I thought she deserved that wonderful Martin to show for all her hard work and dedication.

    Making music is a healer. Performing our concerts releases joy and fulfillment in me, along with good income as we get rebooked by hoteliers and club owners. In my early years, learning piano has been difficult. I started piano lessons at age 7. Gradually my piano grading exams finally reached Grade 8. I think it's about about the highest I can go. Getting past Grade 5 was, looking back, the hardest. Down the years, I have put in thousands of hours learning and having a patient and highly skilled tutor. Eleven year's hard slog. Recently to forget my emotional problems I bought Hans Zimmer's Masterclass download in film/scoring so we could work together scoring this folk opera. Concentrating on scoring has been such a blessing. It pushes aside my emotional problems. Now, much to mum and Dixie's delight I have finally found my 'Voice', so next year is going to be promising. Gran died recently. She left me an annuity, too. Dixie has helped with her careful budgeting so I think my family will get by this winter. Next summer when our band starts touring again, welcome income will hopefully keep us going throughout the next winter.

    There is an old adage that it takes 10,000 hours to truly master a musical skill and almost every day I've practised because my dream has always been to get a band, so have logged up over 15,000 hours including practise on my Gibson Les Paul. We may not become famous, and honestly, Dixie and I don't want that because band fame can bring strain and stress to our family. Much rather work locally within our country and get a good fanbase. And we've achieved that.

    In closing, this week I joined TheMix and its wonderful forum to find ways of coping. Last night, Support Chat was a breakthrough, and Dixie stayed close to encourage me, endorsing what the Sc team leaders had guided and suggested. I am very grateful to everyone. My recently made friends in Chat and on the forums here, are such a blessing.

    Julie
  • MAP98MAP98 Newbie Posts: 18 Confirmed not a robot
    So I’ve gone through today opening up to a colleague about depression, I wasn’t particularly down I was doing well but know I need to tell Work about it as I’ve just realised that tomorrow they’ve swapped me round to a House that I don’t particularly feel welcome in or that comfortable, so now I’m sat here crying because I now don’t want to go into work tomorrow knowing I’m in that house. But working as a carer obviously I know that I can’t be picky and choosy for where I work but I genuinely think it is now making my mental health worse as the anxiety literally has be breaking down at the front door in tears for not wanting to go to work.
    Is this now the right time to open up and talk with Work about the anxiety and depression that I suffer - I did tell occupational health, but listed it back to when I first had it and not when I started as I felt happy within my self - not any more though I suppose.
  • MAP98MAP98 Newbie Posts: 18 Confirmed not a robot
    MAP98 wrote: »
    So I’ve gone through today opening up to a colleague about depression, I wasn’t particularly down I was doing well but know I need to tell Work about it as I’ve just realised that tomorrow they’ve swapped me round to a House that I don’t particularly feel welcome in or that comfortable, so now I’m sat here crying because I now don’t want to go into work tomorrow knowing I’m in that house. But working as a carer obviously I know that I can’t be picky and choosy for where I work but I genuinely think it is now making my mental health worse as the anxiety literally has be breaking down at the front door in tears for not wanting to go to work.
    Is this now the right time to open up and talk with Work about the anxiety and depression that I suffer - I did tell occupational health, but listed it back to when I first had it and not when I started as I felt happy within my self - not any more though I suppose.

    I've only been on this site for over a week and I can already see myself changing, and I am pretty sure its because this site is so supportive and I can express all my views and feelings without any ridiculous comments or comments that don't mean anything to me at all.
    In regards to my previous posts, I have spoken out to my manager about the issues of working in different houses, and speaking out about this means that I can now politely refuse to work in that house and ask to be swapped out.
    Me and my mum are now talking a little more now, not all the time but we are speaking more than we were anyway. We've been out for a couple of meals and I am becoming more sociable inside and out of work, seeing people i haven't seen for a long time and FINALLY opening up about everything thats going on.
    Although on another note a bad thing did happen in work with a Young Person, he became fixated on me and behaved inappropriately, showing physical aggression towards me - which lead me being locked in the kitchen in work for 25 minutes till help arrived and I had to leg it to another house for my safety. However i am not dwelling on it, I have a meeting tomorrow to check if it is still safe for me to work in there or not or if I'll have to move to another house.
    Fingers crossed it all goes well.
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,279 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Heya @MAP98

    Glad you’re finding sharing how you feel, so helpful! They do say a problem shared is a problem halved. It takes a lot to do aswell and think is good you let work become aware. Can imagine may feel a bit more comfortable now they’re aware?
    Sorry to hear you got locked in the kitchen. Sounds lil scarey
    All the best for the meetin tomorrow. Hope goes well

    Also maybe making a your own new thread/post of how you’re feeling may help and more people may read, on here and if want people to also offer their support, aswell as read/listen to you!


    Take care!
    MAP98
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