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Girlfriend is 7 months pregnant and in love with someone else

KD1KD1 NoobPosts: 3 Newbie
Hi

I am going to be a first time dad and Iv been with my girlfriend for 3 years, she is three years older than me she has two kids of her own and the third is going to Have third child for me, my family doesn’t like the idea that I’m with her or even Her having two kids already and her about to have mine, now I had an ex girlfriend who we’ve been in contact and we dated for over 7 years and known each other since we where young, I am still in love with my ex girlfriend and she has waited for me this long, my ex has done her own seen other people and she is in prison she still loves me Iv been visiting her and Iv told her my girlfriend is pregnant the is now disappointed with me she wrote me over a 4 page letter, me and my ex broke up but still kicked it, my pregnant gf has been putting me under pressure saying we should do a traditional marriage and stuff but I am fully committed to my ex girlfriend I broke up with her because I thought she was someone who I couldn’t trust but now I do really love her me and my ex have now each other since we where 16 But I get worried about my current girlfriend she’s 7 months what do I do I can’t tell my girlfriend that I am in love with someone else she says jokingly I can always go and find someone else but she is a good hearted person but she’s 10 years older than me nearly 40 she is it’s w whole mess now, but I don’t want to end up not being allowed to see my first child, she also had a miscarriage last year and I just don’t know what to do. I get very worrried yes there’s my family but in 10 years she 50 what do I actually love my ex she’s only a year older than me but she knows In and out of me.

Comments

  • MikeMike 🎧 LandaanPosts: 3,607 Community Manager
    Hey there KD1, and welcome to the community. :wave: Great to see you posting.

    This sounds like a pretty complicated situation, and I get the feeling there's a lot on your shoulders here. Just to check if I've understood things correctly...

    You're currently with someone a little older than you, and she's pregnant so you're feeling so me obligation to stay with her. But you're in love with your ex-partner who's currently in prison, and you feel you have a deeper and more genuine connection with her. Overall, you're unsure whether to stay with your current partner or get back with your ex.

    Is that right? Hopefully I've understood things correctly, but please do correct me if I've missed something.

    I guess it's hard for us to tell you exactly what you should do. Relationships and people are infinitely complex, and of course it's hard for us to see the full picture after reading a forum post. I will say - and this is just my personal thought - that people tend to end up happier in the long run if they're with someone for real and genuine reasons. So purely from a relationships perspective, you could argue that your ex might make you happier long-term if that's who you really love. I'm sure most of us have known people who have been with partners for the wrong reasons, and either haven't been very happy or had a short-lived relationship as a result.

    With that being said, it sounds like there are a lot more factors at play here than just choosing between two people. I won't pretend to understand what it's like to have children and have family to consider in all this, but I imagine that might be causing a lot of stress and anxiety about making the right choice? It might pay you to get some specialist advice from somewhere like Relate. They provide relationship counselling and support.

    I'll let others come in with any further thoughts on this, but keep us posted on how things go. I'm wondering, what's your gut telling you about what to do? What's your instinct? :chin:
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.

    Want to join the community champions? Drop @TheMix a message!
  • FranFran Posts: 118 Boards Initiate
    Hey KD1!!

    It's definitely a complicated situation, which I have interpreted in the same way as Mike did.
    As Mike said, there's more than choosing between two women in this case: let's say it's more choosing between two different lives.
    When facings struggling situations, it may be helpful to consider one element at the time, in order not to feel overwhelmed. Maybe it could be useful to start pointing out the reasons why you love your ex-girlfriend and those why you fell in love with your actual girlfriend at first. I say this, because when situations become too emotional, it may be helpful to be a little bit more rational to compensate and to have a clearer overview.

    I'd also like to ask you how do you feel about the child you are expecting. what emotions provokes to you the idea of becoming father? is there any possibility that your doubts about your partner are connected to the idea of becoming father?

    Is there anyone you trust and feel at ease with who could help you shed some light on your thoughts? A friend or a professional could help you understand your feelings and worries and decide what steps to take next.
    you could also try to portray your life without your ex-girlfriend at first and with our your girlfriend then, in order to imagine what your feelings would be in these cases. As Mike said, instinct sometimes is the best advisor we could hope for!!

    - Fran
  • KD1KD1 Noob Posts: 3 Newbie
    Hi mike and fran, well I just don’t know to do, Iv been with the ex since she was 16 and we’ve grown stronger we had a relationship over 12 years and in the start things where ok then we broke up but we talk from time to time but it’s just that my current girlfriend she’s talking to me about an engagement as in now she’s pregnant yes I said when she gets pregnant and she told me if i don’t she would be ashamed carrying the baby, I mean yes I feel excited about becoming a Dad Iv also told my ex that I’m going to become a Dad she was dispointed with me when she heard what I said and she even wrote me a 5 page letter about her feelings which I feel bad she’s very dispointed in me as well. But my gf pregnant saying she would be ashamed has made me think about if she is forcing me into engagement even my pregnant gf said to me the other day she cries about her not been engaged as she’s pregnant now I don’t sleep, my ex we get along and I know it would be hard to put the past behind us, my current gf said if I don’t want to engagement with her I should let her know so she will let know where she stands.
  • KD1KD1 Noob Posts: 3 Newbie
    Hi mike and fran

    Well I do love my ex and I do want to be with her Iv told her my current gf is pregnant which she was disappointed she wrote me a 4 page letter about how disappointed she is and how I could do this to her, my current gf said she would be ashamed if I don’t propose or get engaged to her which yes i promised ages ago but my ex Iv know and grown up with her we both still love each other, my current gf today said if I don’t want to get engaged i should let her know so she knows where she stands, I mean if I leave what about she doesn’t want me to see my son or have anything to do with my child. I’m worried my ex hasn’t spoken to me ever since Iv told her about the pregnancy she is really hurt but she still in love with me and I don’t know what to do.
  • FranFran Posts: 118 Boards Initiate
    Hey @KD1,

    Tell me if I got this right, if you were free to choose between your ex and your current girlfriend, you'd choose your ex one, is it right?
    On the other end, you are afraid of letting your current girlfriend down and feel under pressure as she wants you to propose to her. you are scared that your current girlfriend might not want you to see your son and this is one of the factors that makes it hard for you to make a decision. Is everything right?

    Is there anyone you could ask for legal advice? Someone you already now (a relative/a friend or acquaintance) or someone new (a professional) who could give you some information about the laws regarding father rights? I'm not from the UK, so I'm not informed about that, but maybe someone else here is and could give you some help.

    Even though it may be hard for you all, it can happen to stop being in love with your partner, even if there is a child on the way. It would be better for you all to find a solution that would allow you and your child to live a happy life.
    Maybe you could try talking to your current girlfriend about all the thoughts you have and about your doubts, as she deserves to be part of the final decision, too. I think that maybe you could try to talk to her and focus on her for some time, leaving your girlfriend out of it, as she could cause you some confusion.
    I still believe that it could also be useful to ask for a relative / friend 's advice, in order to have the opportunity to express all your feelings to someone that knows both of you (or the three of you) and could, therefore, give you a specific opinion about the whole situation.

    Keep us updated,

    - Fran
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