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Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Health & Wellbeing
I want to die or fade away. I hate myself, I can't understand why people treat me differently. My emotions vary extremely. I've always been told that since I was 9. But they can be very petty for no reason. Once I was throwing electronics away and I started to think how was like how people don't need me, so I started to cry. I get an unsettling feeling in my stomach where I just want it to stop. But because I'm at school, I have to continue. I have no choice; I'm on a scholarship. I hate people because of one thing but the very next day, I'll be happy with them. I really hate my teacher, I had to go an event which completely killed my mood. Then the next day, things went as if they never happened. And right now, I feel that no one cares anymore. I just want to go. It scares me that no one cares. I have problems such as a scary porn addiction and I am getting help for it. I want to find friends, explore the world, sleep, go to town all at once. I haven't made plans but I imagine it: It makes me feel happy. I can't though. My mum is suffering from my Uncle's suicide last year so it would be selfish. But what am I to do. I can't handle myself (emotions), it's hard to trust people because somedays I like them, the other I don't. I can't even cry, it's just stuck.

Note: An example of my emotions is that I had badminton, which was fun. It was hard but I was happy. I then went back when I started to feel both sad and angry because of a thought don't know why. I went to lie on my bed before lunch and got so annoyed with myself I punched my cupboard multiple time.

Another time, I was happily watching YouTube during break. A teacher came and had a chat. It wasn't bad but my reaction was that I kept of thinking of hurting her. (I don't plan to act on it, but my anger gets quite intense. Instead of talking it out, I say nothing and imagine the person suffering because of me as "Payback")

I'm sorry and have no intention of acting upon any of these things.

Thank YOU

Anonymus

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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,032 Boards Guru
    Hey @RICOCHET.

    I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through. Things sound really tough right now. It's not always easy to talk about what's going on, you've done really well to reach our here on the boards :)

    I've just had to edit out some content in your post to keep things safe for the boards. If you're ever unsure on what is okay to post, we have a guide that you can read through here. You also more than welcome to send a private message to The Mix team to ask any questions about a post.

    You mentioned that you're receiving help at the moment, how is this going?

    I wonder if you've ever reached out to an organisation like Samaritans before about these thoughts and feelings you've been experiencing.

    Keep posting here whenever you like, we're all here to listen and support you :)

    - Aife

    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    tashtastictashtastic Posts: 30 Boards Initiate
    Hey @RICOCHET.

    It sounds like you're going through a tough time at the moment. It's great that you've decided to talk on here, talking about things can be so hard sometimes :)

    It's good that you're already getting some help, I was wondering if you had talked about the suicidal feelings you had? If not, if you feel okay with it I think it's an important thing to bring up. If these feelings are left to build up, it can be really dangerous. I can see that you want to be helped which is really important in helping you feel better :)

    You can also try helplines like Samaritans or the mix helpline or online chat.

    Remember you can always talk on here or pm me for a chat
    Tash :)
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