Sexual guilt

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  Lostsense Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl

  January 2018

  Hi,
  
  Its not uncommon and you deffinetly havent done anything wrong! We all cope in different ways after rape. A lot of people have a higher sex drive after rape or not want sex at all which ever way that is. That is okay.

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  Mirabelle Posts: 1,020 Wise Owl

  January 2018

  Hey @littlebabypanda
  
  I'm very sad you experienced such a terrible ordeal and it doesn't matter about labelling it, but you are so brave to come and tell us in part of the problems that have arisen. Crucially, the most important thing to realise is that you done absolutely nothing wrong! From what I've been reading in a self-help book, sexual trauma is certainly not uncommon nowadays, but I will return to that book shortly.
  
  Only recently have I felt able to openly admit on the forum of being sexually assaulted by my late mother, and though have not been experiencing any guilt post-intimacy with my partner, again it is not uncommon to experience guilt or melancholy. For why? Because I believe that after having such an explosion of pleasure during sex, our hormone oxytocin or "love hormone" starts depleting to cause feelings of guilt or even sadness. What Lostsense said about how we cope in different ways was very good, but what you must realise is we have varying sexual urges, and speaking personally, almost the same desire to eat inordinate amounts of chocolate!
  
  We want intimacy because our bodies and minds desire it so needfully, but what I think would be lovely for you is sometimes just enjoy a cuddle with the one who you love. This is how I feel about intimacy. Its definition is basically Togetherness, a loving closeness or having an affinity with the one you love and who loves you. Mutual affection comes into it a lot and warm feelings, too. Also in a cosy and relaxed atmosphere, and that could become something special that could take away these feelings of guilt.
  
  Maybe you could talk to a counsellor at Relate? https://www.relate.org.uk/ Relate also do Telephone Counselling, so you don't have to be face-to-face with someone. Link: https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/talk-someone/telephone-counselling.
  
  And lastly, the book I've been reading: The Sexual Trauma Workbook for Teen Girls: A Guide to Recovery from Sexual Assault and Abuse (Instant Help Books for Teens)
  
  Its authors Raychelle Cassada Lohmann and Sheela Raja have take special care to make their self-help book a pleasant read for teen girls. I'm finding each section immensely helpful and being reminded that actually, we can become strong and resilient if we are prepared to move on, and this preparedness can happen as we go through each section of this book, but taking our time with it. I'm made a post about the book this same forum, and thoroughly recommend it to you.
  
  While the opportunity is going, how about you sign up for Support Circle on Tuesday 16th January, 8-9.30pm? It could be so helpful.
  
  http://www.themix.org.uk/community/forum/chat-debate/live-chat-announcements/3580479-support-circle-tuesday-16-01-2018
  
  Goodnight and sleep well.
  
  Belle xx
  
  

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  Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl

  January 2018

  Hi @littlebabypanda
  
  I'm sorry to hear you went through that and that it's still affecting you sexually. Have you ever spoken to someone, face to face or over the phone about your experience? Like one of the services @Mirabelle has referred to above? I hear you saying you feel guilty about the sexual abuse, which is totally normal but it was not your fault. It may be, like you say, that the feelings of sexual guilt stem from this. From personal experience I can tell you that talking to someone about what happened helped me to see past the guilt. If I'm honest it actually made me feel a bit ridiculous for feeling guilty. I now try to think, what advice would you give to a good friend if they had experienced this? Would you put the blame on them? We can be so hard on ourselves.
  
  Totally get what you're saying about feeling you are putting yourself at risk too, I still have those feelings occasionally and I think that's difficult to shake off but, like everything, it takes time. I think you're right in comparing it to never eating chocolate again! Sex is and should feel like something brilliant and fun, like eating chocolate :razz: it might take some time to feel like sex is 'normal' again but that's OK, it's totally understandable considering what you've gone through. Hugs *hug*
  
  - Lucy :rainbow:

  Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend

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  Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  January 2018

  Hi @littlebabypanda,
  I can really relate to what you are saying and have been through. Be kind to yourself and always remember the only reason you put yourself at risk is because you were vulnerable and trusting. You have learned more now about looking after yourself and protecting yourself so you won't get into the same situation again. Only do what you feel 100 Percent comfortable doing, your needs and safety are paramount. Life experiences are a learning curve and they help and guide us in so many ways.
  Sometimes we put ourselves at risk because we do not value ourselves enough or believe we are good enough ! By working on our self esteem and being caring to ourselves, if at all possible, we will not put ourselves in that situation again. Of course I am not referring to rape, that is different and never blame yourself for this, I mean an abusive situation which we can control and stop. I was naive and what happened to me was not my fault at all !
  We can regain our power and learn from horrendous experiences and come out the other side and we can heal from this pain.
  I hope this has helped you in some say. Please take care and let us know how you are.
  :rainbow:

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