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Trigger Warning: Suicidal Thoughts, BPD and more
apandav
Posts: 2,072 Boards Champion
Haven't posted in a while. I calmed down after my last major episode: suicidal thoughts, actually wanting to harm myself, taking risks etc. , A &E twice with uni etc.
I always have bad episodes, calm down a bit and it happens again. It's very unpredictable, I am often suicidal (part of the reason for my BPD diagnosis). I get suicidal very easily.
Well recently I was doing a bit better for a short time, and now as of yesterday I feel I am going down the bad route again. But it's the worst time ever for that to happen since it's almost Christmas and so family will be off work a lot.
It started again yesterday......
Well I was feeling a bit low about a few things, and I got milder suicidal thoughts after mum made some comments about my weight- but I fought them! Then my world came crashing down (again) for real last night. I got triggered (I am easily triggered, it's part of BPD). Now I want to die again, and hurt myself. The thoughts are extremely intense again, and I started making plans last night for today (as it wasn't possible to do that stuff, as much as I wanted to). Now it's today and feeling crap, and that I want to harm myself, die etc.
The thing that triggered me was mum, yet again discussing my weight gain, saying I need to go on a diet etc. What she doesn't know is that I have BPD, which has made me gain a lot of weight the past year (I'm 1-2 dress sizes bigger than I was a year ago) due to binge eating. Or that my new medication makes me very drowsy (she doesn't know I am on it, or I am still struggling with MH now). She said it's due to my weight gain I am feeling very tierd (but I know its the medication making me drowsy) as most days I can only make it by, by having a nap around lunchtime. The medication always hits me the worst around then, hence I have been sleeping a lot during my day, and mum has noticed.
Another issue is it's my auntie's wedding 2 days after Christmas, and I bought a dress. My mum says its not the right type of dress and that I should get something else. To be honest I just thought the dress was "okay" I chose it as I felt it would keep my mum happy as it seemed slimming (she always points out my weight gain) and I couldn't be bothered shopping so found it quickly and just got it so I have something. Now I have to go shopping again. AND THIS IS THE THING THAT TRIGGERED ME......
mum said last night after mentionng about the dress, I am x size, but I am actually a size smaller than x size as my jeans etc are that size. I am a size bigger but mum is saying I'm 2 sizes bigger than what I was last year
it make me feel like exploding, I had urges to beat my mum up, and hurt her (which I didn't do, I don't hurt other people). AND NOW IM TRIGGERED, WANT TO DIE!!! she says I need a diet but is trying to get me to go on strict diets, and as fat as I am now, I can't do strict diets right now (I can cut down and healthy eat) as my mh is too poor I feel it would be an extra strain, to start living of an extreme calorie controlled diet. I went on a diet when I was 16, and it was very low calorie, I lost a lot of weight, and was a healthy weight, was actually the same size as I was last year (before I gained loads) although I had gained a bit of weight even last year. (I was almost into the size below though when I went on the diet aged 16). BUT I CAN'T D IT THIS TIME AS I AM NOT MENTALLY STABLE!
I know it sounds extreme, but now I can't face anything (this is what BPD is for me) , mum doesnt know the reasons why and I can't say and I can't face it, and want to kill myself. It's too much!!
I always have bad episodes, calm down a bit and it happens again. It's very unpredictable, I am often suicidal (part of the reason for my BPD diagnosis). I get suicidal very easily.
Well recently I was doing a bit better for a short time, and now as of yesterday I feel I am going down the bad route again. But it's the worst time ever for that to happen since it's almost Christmas and so family will be off work a lot.
It started again yesterday......
Well I was feeling a bit low about a few things, and I got milder suicidal thoughts after mum made some comments about my weight- but I fought them! Then my world came crashing down (again) for real last night. I got triggered (I am easily triggered, it's part of BPD). Now I want to die again, and hurt myself. The thoughts are extremely intense again, and I started making plans last night for today (as it wasn't possible to do that stuff, as much as I wanted to). Now it's today and feeling crap, and that I want to harm myself, die etc.
The thing that triggered me was mum, yet again discussing my weight gain, saying I need to go on a diet etc. What she doesn't know is that I have BPD, which has made me gain a lot of weight the past year (I'm 1-2 dress sizes bigger than I was a year ago) due to binge eating. Or that my new medication makes me very drowsy (she doesn't know I am on it, or I am still struggling with MH now). She said it's due to my weight gain I am feeling very tierd (but I know its the medication making me drowsy) as most days I can only make it by, by having a nap around lunchtime. The medication always hits me the worst around then, hence I have been sleeping a lot during my day, and mum has noticed.
Another issue is it's my auntie's wedding 2 days after Christmas, and I bought a dress. My mum says its not the right type of dress and that I should get something else. To be honest I just thought the dress was "okay" I chose it as I felt it would keep my mum happy as it seemed slimming (she always points out my weight gain) and I couldn't be bothered shopping so found it quickly and just got it so I have something. Now I have to go shopping again. AND THIS IS THE THING THAT TRIGGERED ME......
mum said last night after mentionng about the dress, I am x size, but I am actually a size smaller than x size as my jeans etc are that size. I am a size bigger but mum is saying I'm 2 sizes bigger than what I was last year
it make me feel like exploding, I had urges to beat my mum up, and hurt her (which I didn't do, I don't hurt other people). AND NOW IM TRIGGERED, WANT TO DIE!!! she says I need a diet but is trying to get me to go on strict diets, and as fat as I am now, I can't do strict diets right now (I can cut down and healthy eat) as my mh is too poor I feel it would be an extra strain, to start living of an extreme calorie controlled diet. I went on a diet when I was 16, and it was very low calorie, I lost a lot of weight, and was a healthy weight, was actually the same size as I was last year (before I gained loads) although I had gained a bit of weight even last year. (I was almost into the size below though when I went on the diet aged 16). BUT I CAN'T D IT THIS TIME AS I AM NOT MENTALLY STABLE! I know it sounds extreme, but now I can't face anything (this is what BPD is for me) , mum doesnt know the reasons why and I can't say and I can't face it, and want to kill myself. It's too much!!
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Comments
It sounds like you're going through a tough time at the moment and the BPD isn't helping! It can be very difficult when family point out things especially when you already struggle with it and I can completely sympathise with you. One thing that is important to mention to you is that although you're feeling crappy now, you have in the past coped better with it and you were doing better which just goes to show that you are a strong individual and there is no reason you can't pull through this and get better again! We are all here for you to help you, and just know that so many people struggle similar to you, so know you aren't alone! Very proud of you for posting this and speaking out about it! It's a good step to make to get help
You mentioned that your mum doesnt know about you BPD and it can be hard to tell people you're close to about these things. However, it could be beneficial for her to know in order for her to be able to help you through hard times and so that she knows not to make comments about your weight since they can trigger your negative thoughts. Of course, only do what you're comfortable doing! It can be hard and that's understandable, especially when you don't know how they will react. Communication is sometimes the helpful way of going about these things!
Here's a link on how to tell people you suffer from a mental illness: http://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/looking-after-yourself/how-to-talk-about-your-mental-health-5622.html
Hope you have a better day today! Sending hugs
Drea
Drea has said some very helpful things, I guess I just wanted to pop by to send you some *hug*s and let you know we care about you.
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
I know, this always happens I calm down for a bit then get worse. And due to BPD, I can go from 0-100 percent emotion very quickly
I can't tell mum. Parents found out I had MH issues last january and it made things worse so I pretended I was better
She knows it hurts but she thinks I need to be told and I have tried to stand up for myself before but it doesnt work with my mum
Thanks for the link, I am feeling very sad today!
What are your plans for today?
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
Drea