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Me and my GF have different sex-drives!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 122,046 The Mix Honorary Guru
edited July 19 in Sex & Relationships
I've only had sex with my girlfriend once, after months. I expected that once we consummated the relationship, we'd be having sex frequently and regularly. However, straight after we had sex, she said "that'll do me for a few months". I asked her if she was joking, to which she told me that she's serious. I also asked her if I wasn't good enough in bed. She said that it wasn't my performance - it's that sex isn't important and that I should be grateful. She said that sex is a mere trivial optional extra in a relationship, whereas to me it's of paramount importance. On every occasion since then on which I've tried to initiate sex or even talk about it, she's outright refused. She said that when she wants sex again, she'll tell me - but that won't happen until well into the new year. I asked her if we could see each other less often and if I'm allowed to have sex with other girls. She immediately refused both things outright and told me that I shouldn't even be thinking like that. She told me that it's best if I forget all about sex for a couple of months, to which I pointed out that it's impossible for me to do that.

I suggested that we see a relationship counsellor together. She refused that, saying that there's nothing to discuss and the problem is 100% with me - that I'm being unreasonable in wanting sex more often.

Some of the people whom I know well have wrongly assumed that we've been having sex every day for months, saying that must be the reason that I see her every day. Some of my friends have sex with their significant others every time or most times they meet, so I don't think I'm strange or being unreasonable in my request.

Does anyone have any idea how to handle this?
Post edited by TheMix on

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 122,046 The Mix Honorary Guru
    edited July 19
    Robert wrote: »
    I've only had sex with my girlfriend once, [edited]
    This makes it sound like you're entitled to sex, or that she owes you sex simply because you've taken her out on dates or been to see her, this isn't the case. She owes you nothing. Her body her choice, just because you've been nice doesn't mean she has to drop her pants for you.
    Also, The last part where you ask about persuading her or another girl to have frequent regular sex with you, if you're going to try and persuade other people to have sex with you, you need to leave your relationship as that is unfair on your girlfriend. I honestly don't think there's a way to 'persuade' your girlfriend to have sex with you, if she doesn't want to have sex she doesn't want to have sex, end of story.


    Post edited by TheMix on
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 122,046 The Mix Honorary Guru
    edited July 19
    I haven't merely been nice to her - I've devoted most of my free time and income to her for the last few months. On many occasions during that time, she explicitly said that we'd be having sex very soon - but she strung things out for several weeks using various excuses. I know now that some of them were definitely bogus. She rushed out one night, saying that she'd received a text saying that her grandmother was critically ill and had been taken to hospital. I've since found out for certain that both her grandmothers died long before she first met me.

    I asked her if she regretted the one time she did have sex with me. She said she doesn't regret it; she also said that she enjoyed it. However she also said that sex doesn't matter, that most people don't have sex at all and there are many things which she prefers doing. Hence it seems that she has a very low sex drive. She never mentioned (or even implied), prior to us having sex, that she has a low sex drive.

    Are you saying that it's usual for a couple who see each other in person every day to only have sex once every few months? If I'd known about her extremely low sex drive at the start, and that we'd only have sex once during all this time, I would never have started taking her on dates. I personally know couples who have sex every day, so I know that things don't have to be as bad as they are for me. I asked one of my couple-friends who have sex every day how they got into that situation - so that I might copy their success. They replied, in a puzzled way: "why wouldn't you have sex every day? It's great - don't you do it every day?".

    Post edited by TheMix on
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 122,046 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Robert,

    Indeed if she doesn't want to have sex she doesn't have to and shouldn't feel pressured. I can understand why this is causing you confusing especially when you have friends who are in relationships and have frequent sex.

    You said you have tried talking to her about having sex but she doesn't really respond. Have you tried telling her how you feel? Maybe you could try telling her that this makes you feel like your not good enough and although you understand she has a low sex drive you'd like more of a conversation about this to help you understand.

    I understand that sex is important in a relationship but try to remember it's not everything. I think the key here is communication. Do you think she really knows how much this has upset you?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 122,046 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I didn't say she doesn't respond; she does respond, by rejecting my suggestions and seduction attempts. I have told her how I feel, she knows that only having sex once makes me feel frustrated and inadequate and that it has upset me. However, she doesn't care how I feel: she says that I'm in the wrong and that it's normal to only have sex once every few months. She says that there are millions of couples who never have sex. I've tried many times to have a conversation about this, but she won't compromise and always tells me that it's my sex drive that's too high, not hers that's too low.

    Sex is very important to me, as I imagine it is to most young people. I don't see that I'm being unreasonable in wanting it frequently.

    I find it bizarre that she demands to see me every day, yet she doesn't care about me. The lack of sex isn't the only problem - she also doesn't show much affection at all (although she did during the first couple of months). She doesn't often even want to kiss or hold hands, she doesn't give me compliments, try to help me with any of my problems, use terms of endearment etc. - despite me doing all those things for her. This relationship is very one-way. She seems to just be using me as someone to spend time with, talk to, help solve her problems, take her out etc.

    Some of my friends have much better relationships, although obviously I don't see what they're like when I'm not there.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 687 Incredible Poster
    I may be wrong but it seems like you only seem to care about the sex, nothing else. Both people have to be happy in a relationship for it to work so maybe she is secretly telling you something.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 122,046 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You are wrong. As I've said, I also have a problem with the fact that she doesn't care about me, doesn't help me with anything and doesn't show any affection towards me.

    Why would she be unhappy with me? I've devoted most of my attention, free time and money to her throughout the time I've known her - how could I have done any more for her?

    There's nothing unusual or abnormal about wanting frequent sex. I personally know people who enjoy daily sex.

    She's not secretly telling me something - she's making it clear that she doesn't care about me and is just using me. I wish she'd been clear about that from day one, then I wouldn't have wasted months of my life on her. For the first couple of months she showed attraction, affection etc. towards me - I thought that was real. Now I realise that she faked that.

    She won't allow the option seeing each other less often, or taking a short break from our relationship. She says that we have to see each other in person every day.

    If I end the relationship (as my friends have advised me to), how can I prevent another girl doing the same thing to me? I feel really stupid to have believed her lies and allowed her to take over my life for about half of this year.
  • Former MemberFormer Member The Mix Posts: 292 The Mix Regular
    Hi Robert,

    From what you've written it seems like you're not very happy in this relationship. As previously mentioned, when someone does not want to have sex, that is a decision which needs to be respected. Her reasons for it can be as small or as little as possible, however are always valid. Sex is a very precarious thing and quite a touchy subject for many. Your personal preferences within a relationship are perfectly valid and you deserve to be as happy as anyone in a relationship! Unfortunately, there is no way to guarantee that another girl won't do the same to you, but it is safe to say that not every female (nor male) is the same! Whether you are willing to be involved with another is completely your choice :) It could be worth writing down the positives and negatives in your relationships to see which outweigh the others to potentially help with your decision. Both yours and your girlfriend's happiness is important!

    Hope to hear from you soon,

    Drea :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 122,046 The Mix Honorary Guru
    edited July 19
    I'm far from happy. Every day, I give and she takes.

    I've made up my mind to end the relationship, as I can no longer tolerate the emotional, financial and time burdens. However, I don't know exactly how to. I've never ended a relationship before, as each of my previous relationships were ended by the girl. I want to know what to say in order to make it clear that it's over
    Post edited by TheMix on
  • Former MemberFormer Member The Mix Posts: 292 The Mix Regular
    Hi Robert,

    It's good that you have managed to come to a decision with your girlfriend. Breaking up with someone doesn't really have a set of rules to follow. As long as you say what you're comfortable with and if you want her to know it's genuinely over, then it would be good to just say exactly that and be honest about it all. Other things which could help would be to cut out communication etc... But again, take things as far as you feel comfortable doing! And in relation to your query about reducing the chances of it happening again is something that is hard to give advice on since everyone is different! If it helps, being honest from the start could help the person you are seeing know what you look for in a relationship so you're both happy to proceed with a relationship. Hope this helped :)

    Drea :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 122,046 The Mix Honorary Guru
    edited July 19
    I can make that clear, but I'm still concerned about her taking some kind of revenge against me She acted nice to me at first, so I didn't know then what she was really like.

    I now know for certain that she has never cared about me. I feel very foolish.

    I know that relationships don't have to be like this, because I have friends who have much better relationships.

    Post edited by TheMix on
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