Abuse messed with my head

have looked everywhere for somewhere to just talk to normal people about all the hard stuff. I'm not interested in counselling or anything like that its not for me and its not appropriate for my situation (though I admire and believe they are doing an amazing job for others) I just need to work through some reallybad stuff that's happened so I can move on and be ok!

I have been with my fiancé for a long time now very excited to be marrying him . He is an amazing person I am very lucky . I want to be with him and before I say anything I am staying with him , I appreciate why many of you will advise I leave when I write the next part. So ​fairly soon into the relationship he would sometimes get a bit angry after a drink it got to a point where he Often had a go at me called me names etc. He was always sorry the next day it didn't overly bother me. However over time it got worse turned into little shoves here and there and gradually that got worse. The first big thing he did was strangle me then immediately held me apologizing a lot. I could handle it all there was genuine guilt when he did these things , I understood his anger . But it got worse still more violent ( still rare occasions and almost always only when drunk) the hitting started all alongside some very nasty speech . Then one day he was extremely angry he hurt me a lot said things I can not forget he told me to get a wooden spoon so he could spank me with it. then he raped me . this was the first time he had ever been violent in what felt like a controlled way not just a furried punch followed by a huge apology . even the next day when he apologised he then got angry talking about the situation and hurt me again. after that he made things better and it eased of for a while little things now and again a couple more quite big things . then one night we had another huge incident he threw a bottle at the car smashed the windscreen while I was inside it. smacked my head against the car once we were inside he punched kicked pulled me by hair hit me with a metal box I had to call his dad I didn't no what else to do. that was obviously a huge wake up call to him . he has totally sorted it all out learnt to control it etc.

I do not want to leave the stuff I just talked about is such a small minority compared to the amazing stuff. I just want a way to cope with it all. I am finding it hard to be the same around him especially when it comes to sex ! I flinch when he trys to be intimate. we still have sex and now that is feeling like sexual abuse cause I don't really want to but I do want to want to. flinch almost every time my fiancé try's to passionately kiss me or do anything more. ​my partner knows how I feel and understands but still struggles when I'm flinching as it makes him feel unattractive and unloved.

I just need to tell someone . I want to love him the way I used to. its making me so unhappy these feelings are almost worse than all the stuff that happened. Please advise me as though all the abuse was from an ex and I now want to make a new good relationship work despite how much my past hurts .