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Mental Health/ BPD Struggles

AuroraAurora Part of the furniturePosts: 11,720 An Original Mixlorian
Hey guys,

I know I had started another post quite recently, so apologise on the excessive posting recently, it's just come to a really difficult time for me, I always struggle this time of year, it makes sense because there's an awful lot going on around this time for people, for example, exams, assignments, and all that m'larkey, and this post may seem superficial but I've had to really build myself up to actually posting on here recently. To be fair, things have been to 'black and white' for me to actually have the motivation or energy to post on here something related to me, and like always I'm babbling on in the first paragraph so I don't actually have to deal with the reality of how I'm feeling, or even why I'm feeling the way I am. I'm not looking for responses offering me hugs, or responses telling me to contact Papyrus or Samaritans, I really just want a listening ear.Someone who relates to somewhat I'm going through. Or even have hear something reassuring.

I turn 20 soon, I recall when I was 13, I battled with mental health professionals, and argued endlessly; excessively repeating that I would not see 18. Few years on, look where I am? - Working part time/full time during holidays, at Uni, and have the closest friends group I could ever ask for, a glass of wine to finish my day, because I'm classy, or Vodka. You could assume I was happy with all that? You know, the perfect little life? Don't get me wrong I didn't deserve any of this, I don't deserve to work where I'm working, I don't deserve to be at Uni, I don't deserve the friends I have, I don't deserve the support I'm getting, I don't deserve any of this pathetic life. To be fair, I would much prefer being buried 10 ft under. Maybe it's my fault I continue to fuck up, if I had a choice, trust me, I would honestly try not to, but life doesn't really work like that now, does it?

My moods have been eratic, I go throuh highs and lows in seconds, and I feel as though I'm loosing grip of all stability (Moods wise) - To be fair,a s I write this thread, I don't realy see the point as to why I'm bothering. I've become quite set on it, specifics to ending it, yeah, maybe that makes me an attention seeker, but I have a data, a time scale and an idea in mind, and to be fair, my thoughts actually petrify me at times, I'm acting as though I have everything together. Maybe I do? Maybe this fantasy I've created is someting I've gotten myself tangled into?

Anyway, I might just add on to this thread slowly. Overtime, I'm actually exhausted, to exhausted to type anymore mind you. It's all pretty fucked, and I don't know how to explain it.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey,

    I can completely empathise with where you're coming from. I don't want to write an essay because it'll look like i'm lecturing you, but I get it, honestly.

    The mental health and BPD struggles... I get it! And it's so so tough with BPD. life is tough anyway, but you've got this far.It's incredible all that you've achieved. No one has those things handed to them on a plate, you've earned them. you may not feel it, but you have. As for your close friends circle, wow. What a testament that is to you. People only ever connect with those they like and respect... You may not have that acceptance of yourself YET, but they certainly do, and that speaks volumes!

    The highs and lows.. I don't know what else to say other than, please message me if you want to speak more about it, I'm so willing to listen. I don't think anyone who doesn't deal with similar things can ever fully understand no matter how much they try, no matter how much they care and sometimes we need that understanding to know we're not alone or losing the plot! Thoughts can be terrifying, and moods can feel completely out of control... and it's ok to admit those things!

    You're doing good!

    Lucy
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Whispers,

    I totally hear that you don't want links to Sams or Papyrus and I'm sure you know everywhere we would suggest already as you have been part of this community for a long time now. So I won't do that, I trust that you know your options.

    I guess I want you to know we hear how you feel and this is absolutely somewhere you can offload. Given what you have said about suicidal thoughts and plans we do have a duty of care here to encourage you to reach out and let someone know though, ideally your GP or someone else you trust. 'Sighhh' I hear maybe? ;)

    The thing is, if we didn't say that, it would be like we're ignoring the seriousness of what you have shared here about having things like a time and date in mind is serious and concerning for us to read. You're not an attention seeker in my mind at all, you're just being really honest about what's going on in your head and that takes guts. It's okay to talk about those feelings and thoughts here.

    You mention you're acting like you have everything together and you say, maybe you do? As @LRoberts04 says, you did all these things and you made them happen, props to you. I wonder if you can allow yourself just a small slice of credit.

    Anyway, keep talking when you want/need to. I'm sure plenty of people here are more than happy to provide a listening ear *hug*
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Hi Whispers,

    I can really hear that you are struggling right now- I don't really have any advice, but just wanted to let you know I'm here to listen :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    For the last 5 years I've felt like that, and recently things have been more up and down and more rapidly. I went to see my doctor as I've literally got to the point where i just want it to stop. She said that my 'episodes' as she called them don't last long enough to be BPD. Theu used to be longer, the down side did anyway, but everything just seems so out of control. Now i feel kind of lost and i don't really know why i feel like this. I thought maybe she would be able to help me get some normality back in my life. She talked about antidepressants but every time i am put on those i am out of control. Its horrible. I would just like to get off of what feels like a rollercoaster and i don't really know what to do.
  • AuroraAurora Part of the furniture Posts: 11,720 An Original Mixlorian
    On the 19th, I tried to kill myself, sadly, it didn't work, instead I cried down the phone to MHSL asking why I couldn't swallow more pills. Obviously, in that moment, everything seemed quite irrational, from my perspective, I was so set on killing myself, I couldn't go the night I actually planned to do so, without trying, right? So, normally I'm the last out of work, we finished shortly after midnight, my colleagues wished me a happy birthday, and I walked home, over thinking a dozen and one thoughts. The few days ago I got so drunk I forgot everything. I was left feeling numb, and the feeling remained consistant through my three day hangover after. Despite forgetting most of the night once I had managed to sober up, I was sat in a 136 room with two officers, according to my friend, it took 5 of them to actually get into the police van and into hospital, where I was restrained with cuffs and leg restraints, which left painful bruises.

    Now as I over think the night, I can feel an emotional cloud take over me, I'm ready to give up, give in, or whatever the mlarkey it takes to get of this god-forsaken earth. Maybe thats me saying I want to die, or maybe it's me saying I want to escape the pain, even I don't know an answer to my own trail of thoughts. People told me recovery would be hard, but accepting recovery is the first step, but how can someone possibly accept something they know they don't deserve? - I'm tired of hurting people around me constantly, my mental health is such a large factor in this, that I've lost all oust of control I had of it, I'm home now, and I've never felt more lonely.

    After my awful night, I cried and slept lodes the next day, however, I'd lost my phone so I couldn't phone in sick now, could I? - So I went to work, from there my manager spotted me, as you can imagine, I looked horrendous, my hijab which is normally on fleek was completely derailed without pins to keep it in place, my face red from the house of crying, and my ankles and wrists saw and red from the restraints, she told me I couldn't work today, and quesioned my ability to work at all, therefore told me not to bother coming in for my next shift, and I was given no shifts for this week, which obviously made me feel 100% times worst, cause this job actually means so much to me.

    But I've fucked up so greatly, that my manager feels the need to keep one eye on me, and one eye on the rest of the place, and like she said, she doesn't need the stress, apparently she's always checking to see what kinda mood I'm in, like am I going to be in an okay mood today, or are things not gonna go to well kinda thing, like I feel so undermined. I feel like I've left it all to chance, had to text my driving instructor, and put my life on hold in York for a bit, and currently feel like I''m doing fudgeall really other than thinking over to many thoughts, I hate myself, I really hate myself, it doesn't surprise me that others hate me to, I hurt people around me constantly, I just need everyone to stay away as far as possible, but like when I push people away, I need them again, I don't know what's wrong with me, and I really need someone who will just listen to me, I can't really talk to care co-ordinator, cause barely know heer, and don't know how she expects me to open up and that m'larkey, Liz, who I absolutely trust with my life, etc. Can't open up to her, cause not in York, and would feel like such a burden and don't really want her to worry anyway.

    I dunno, I just feel a bit trapped, and lost, and I don't really know how to deal with all these strong emotions right now, or any emotions, I hate feeling numb however, yet feeling overwhelemed with emotions isn't a great either, but like no greyscale to life sadly.
  • AuroraAurora Part of the furniture Posts: 11,720 An Original Mixlorian
    I really need someone to talk to.
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    Message me if you want
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    Whispersoftheheart are you online now?
  • MikeMike 🖥️🎧 LandaanPosts: 3,460 Community Manager
    How are things going, Whispers? We're here if you'd like to chat or vent. Sounds like you're really in need of an ear. *hug*
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.

    Want to join the community champions? Drop @TheMix a message!
  • AuroraAurora Part of the furniture Posts: 11,720 An Original Mixlorian
    So, I want to kill myself, or do I? Maybe me making plans to end my life has happened one to many times, times I know I don't want to go back to, I see going back to University as an escape, where I can be free, and feel less trapped, but, I feel so alone at the moment. Almost as though a bubble of self destruction has taken over me, I'm taking minor overdoses which make me weak and sleepy, and I'm self harming, aware my parents already know about my history, I'm taking many lenghs for them not to find out. I wish all my feeling's had a valid reason, like I hate to be one that blames there mental health issues, but here I am, writing on a thread which is titled to blame my BPD.

    Does that make me pathetic, I guess so. I feel so alone at home, I'm surronded by family, and I go out with friends who I absolutely love, but, it doesn't feel like enough. I don't feel as though I'm good enough to be around these people who I've surronded myself with, I'm stuck in a somewhat dullisional world where I don't see no alternative to escaping from pain, it seems the only way out is through suicide. But I can't kill myself when I'm at home, so I'm making plans for when I'm back to University for third year, that is, if I get into third year ,which at the moment seems highly unlikely. I'm really struggling right now, I feel as though I don't really belong here anymore, and I probaberbly don't like, but yeah, I just really needed someone to turn to.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Whispers,

    Really glad you felt able to post on here last night. Whether you have mental health issues or not, your feelings are completely valid and they matter. I don't think it makes you pathetic, but in fact admirable for being so open and honest about your thoughts and feelings.

    It's really concerning to hear about your plans for when you go back to University, and the minor overdoses. As a mod (and because we care!), I do need to suggest that you get checked over by a health professional, as continuing this can make you really unwell.

    I know you've previously mentioned that mindfulness often helps you when you're really struggling - is that something that's helping you at the moment?

    I'm so sorry things are so tough at the moment - keep talking to us :heart:
  • AuroraAurora Part of the furniture Posts: 11,720 An Original Mixlorian
    Hello Rach,

    Thank you for getting back to me so quickly! - I was going to respond within the day when I was struggling, but felt as though I couldn't really forms sentences or even speak about what was happening, for the life of me, even I don't know what was happening. I just feel as though I'm being swooshed into a black hole and I need saving from it. My plans for when I go back to University are increasing, they seem powerful and overbearing, and when I was spending time with our litte one, knowing one day I might no-longer be in her life (Sooner rather than later) I tried my hardest not to cry. I don't think she'll forget, she'll probaberbly think I've gone away to University for life. I really need someone right now, like I want to pour my heart out to someone, because I'm trapped in this bubble of self destruction, and there's so many people I can talk to, but then, I can't.

    How can I pour my heart out without sounding absolutely pathetic? I don't feel safe. Mindfulness isn't something that works for me no-more, I feel as though it's something that needs practicing, but I gave up, and can barely keep my mind on track nowadays. I'm actually close to tears writing it all up here, my stomach is in agony due to stress, and I don't really know what's going on for me, I need to get away. I want to feel safe, but how can I?- When the only thing on my mind is, if the attempt fails, what else can I try, how else can I harm myself, and so forth.

    People on TheSite don't take me seriously, I know that, and I understand why, but TheSite is like the only place I have right now, like I could go off and find another forum, but what will that do? - I don't know, I can open up more on here than I can anywhere else.
  • MikeMike 🖥️🎧 LandaanPosts: 3,460 Community Manager
    Hey Whispers,

    How are you doing at the moment?

    What makes you think people don't take you seriously here? Your mind seems pretty made up, but I'm curious about your thought process there...

    It really sounds like there's a mountain on your shoulders at the moment, and I can tell you really need somewhere to vent this pressure you're feeling. *hug*

    Pouring your heart out is far from pathetic. Quite the opposite, actually - something that takes a huge amount of bravery and that deserves a lot of credit. That said, I know doing so can really make us feel vulnerable and it's by no means an easy thing to do, so I can appreciate that feeling.

    I wonder if it would help to think about what your idea of 'safe' is? What would a space or person need to be to allow you to open up in the way you need to? :chin:
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.

    Want to join the community champions? Drop @TheMix a message!
  • AuroraAurora Part of the furniture Posts: 11,720 An Original Mixlorian
    Thank you for getting back to me Mike, I'm having a really difficult day/night and I'm really struggling, I've taken a minor overdose, and I feel sick, but don't feel like it needs to be treated in A&E, so just going to wait till it wears out my system really. I've been really struggling to sleep recently, I haven't slept in three days, and I'm feeling hyper and buzzed yet so tangled in life. I've calmed down now, but calmed down so much that I feel horrendously low. I thought if I put a front on for everyone people would stop worrying. Or make a joke out of quite serious situations so they don't seem serious. I phoned Samaritans out of desperate panic and pain, and spoke to them for the longest I've ever spoken to them really, the person I spoke to was understanding, I talked lodes, cause was hyped despite how shit and desperate I felt.

    I don't take myself seriously, let alone those on here, I feel like I'm just this random piece that doesn't fit in anywhere. but who else can I turn to? Not going to lie, I'm not a very 'liked' member here, and I understand why, like nobody likes me in the real world neither, I swear everyone is tredding on egg shells around me and any minute now I could explode. I feel like my housemate (Haven't moved out yet) can't even deal with me, I've become someone who she can't stand, and the other just puts up with me. But soon I won't be a bother to them, I'm going to be alone and isolated, because that's what I deserve. I can't talk about this shit to real life people, I really wish I could, I wish I could just show my therapist this page and have her read through it, actually that's not a bad idea, I might do that, I don't know. I think she hates me too, she just puts up with me. Like legit every session is an hour wasted off me sitting there and her hammering a dozen quesions at me. I want to answer them, but I can't. Maybe it's the setting? Or maybe I'm just not ready to talk to her, because knowing the system and all, she's probaberbly going to leave anyday now.

    A safe place or person, now that's a tricky one. I don't know, I guess I would need to be reassured that they aren't going to leave me, hah, but I'm joking to myself, because no matter what, everyone leaves in the end, it's a shame I can't leave myself. I'm gasping for air, anxiety is being a mare, but I can't take beta blockers because the thought of any more medication makes me feel sick. A&E staff in York are fed up of dealing with me, the doctor who came to see me a few weeks back when I said I was going to the washroom and ended up walking out was like 'Do you know where it is, you must do, you've been here a lot' but not in a jokey way, more of a I'm fed up of you kinda way. Presenting in A&E is pointless. Like I wouldn't mind if my attempt worked, because at the moment life seems pretty dark and dull. And I can longer hack it.

    I went to chat today, I was being an absolute nuisance, talking to much and about random shit, and now thinking about it, it wasn't okay, it wasn't okay to waste time in chat, like thinking about it, it should of been in general chat, and yeah, I'm sorry for being such an awful waste of time, like my life is just this one big mess becoming a burden for everyone. I'm always in the way, never in the right place, no wonder everyone hates me, I can't even get along with people, but then, my anxiety is like, oh I can't talk to those people because I'm an awful person and they'll hate me, I can't say anything because it will sound stupid, even my routine is fucked up, like I couldn't brush my teeth because there was something wrong with the stairs, I just couldn't count the right amount of steps I needed to get to the bathroom, and kept having to restart, and in my mind, I kept telling myself that I couldn't brush my teeth because I'm not walking properly, so I sat on th stairs like a knob. Because it was only the stairs that had the right number. I could count them.

    It all sounds bizarre thinking about it. I don't feel okay, I haven't felt okay in so long, and normally, its like one days okay, next is awful,but it's just been weeks of stress and awfulness. Because yeah, the world hates me, and I'm an absolutely dickhead. I want to escape, I don't waant to be here. I don't see the point, and no matter how many overdoses I hate, how many times I do other stuff, nowt works.
  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    Hi Whispers, how are you feeling today?

    Sounds really to have not slept for 3 days, have you been able to sleep since you posted this message? Seems like a really positive thing that you were able to speak to Samaritans the other day and that the person you spoke to was really understanding. :yes:

    You were saying that you might take this page to show your therapist because you can't talk to people in real life about this, sounds like this could be an option for you, have you thought anymore about this at all? :)

    It's really good that you're talking here about how you're feeling, we're to listen if you want to share more *hug*

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