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really want to know what's wrong

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Health & Wellbeing
I have had mental health issues since I could remember. When I was seven I'd be up after night night crying about multiple issues that I was too young to even think about; but this is something relatively new. My therapist diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and ADHD yet I have not been treated for anything because I refused medication for the fear of becoming emotionally disconnected or worsening my depression. I have the following symptoms: Anger outbursts, feeling of emptiness, waking up in the middle of the night, etcetera. The following thing is what I call alex. Sometimes I shift into a mode that makes me feel like a completely different person. I have a strong desire to degrade others I am close to or have a strong feeling of hate towards them. When this happens my wrists ache with the desire to be pierced. Theres actually a sensation in my skin. I have a history of self harm but it's been years and I'm way past that. If one of my closest friends is near or talking to me I'll say stuff like I hate you, f**k you, etcetera with that same burning desire to physically hurt her or him. I feel as if everything is worthless to me and the only emotion I can feel is pure hatred. It starts out as a feeling of emptiness and then this follows. After this happens or I "shift" back to my normal self I cry and feel very weak. "Alex" usually comes out for short periods of time. Sometimes hours sometimes only half an hour to forty-five minutes. Please tell me why this happens to me or what it is. My therapist has not really said anything on that matter. Especially since these episodes seemed to stop for approximately a month. It has returned and hurts my friends and myself.

Comments

  • StephSteph Posts: 448 Listening Ear
    Hi there and welcome to the mix boards, its good to have you here :yes:

    Sounds hard to have had mental health issues since you could remember, thanks for sharing whats been going for you here, it's really positive that you're talking about whats going on and looking for some support here. :thumb:

    You mentioned that you were diagnosed with bipolar and ADHD and that you haven't been treated for anything because you refused medication because of the fear of being emotionally disconnected or worsening your depression. Thanks for sharing this, sounds like a difficult situation to be in. Whats causing you to feel concerned about this, what do you mean when you say emotionally disconnected?

    Thanks for describing what happens when you shift into a mode that makes you feel like a completely different person. Sounds really hard to deal with, you've done really well to talk about it here. You were saying that the episodes seemed to stop for approximately a month, what was happening when they stopped, was there anything different about this time? :chin:

    Just to let you know that we have group support chat evening from 8-9.30pm where you can give and receive support in a group live chat, there's more info here

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks.

    By emotionally disconnected, I mean feeling nothing. I have friends that are my age or over 18 that take medication for various disorders and they have complained that it makes them feel empty and hopeless. That's what I'm afraid of, because I am a very cheery bright person. And being that way would be very much unlike myself.

    Well when I began experiencing these shifts I had just gone through a horrible break up that made me feel worthless and depressed for two months before I got over it. My attachment to this person that walked away from like life seemed to pull out the alex in me because that's when this all started. When school started back up and I was surrounded by friends and all it all stopped. Until everything became stressful again due to multiple things. That's when the shifts started happening again.

    I considered dissociation disorder but when these shifts happen they are for short time periods and don't happen very often.
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    Have you tried meds? Some aren't all that bad and might help
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's the problem. Im not sure if this is connected to my bp or if it's something totally different. I really just need to hear that others are experiencing this or something similar. Maybe a handful of illnesses for me to research. Im just really fixated on this.
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    I experience some of what you said but people can give me any antiphyscotics I'll take them apart from ablify that made me really sick. I've been on loads of differnet antidepresants aswell but none of them worked but I'm not depressed so that's why they didn't work for me.
  • StephSteph Posts: 448 Listening Ear
    Hi @darling.august :wave:

    Thanks for your reply. Sounds like a difficult situation to be in at the moment. Thanks for explaining whats been going on recently for you. You mentioned that when you were surrounded by friends at school it all stopped but then started again when everything became stressful due to multiple things, what kind of things were they? :chin:

    You were saying that you're not sure if what you've been experiencing is linked to bp or something different, have you been able to speak to anyone else about whats been going on?

    There's some info here about Bipolar disorder which could be useful to read too. :)

    You're welcome to keep writing here if it's helping to :yes:
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