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LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 The Mix Regular
I was just thinking and wondering do you think it's possible to have a blockage in your brain from PTSD? Evan though I have alot of knowledge and very intelegant (not at school/in that way) but litcherally I work better than any psychiatrist. I bet if I could put myself on medication and in therapy my life would be 100times better. However my brain dosent feel right. Like I really want a brain scan aswell but no-one would give me one. I get like chronic pressures against my head IT'S NOT A HEADACHE it's much worse. It's like litcherally someone living in my head and compressing on my head walls to get out 🤔 (don't laugh) and he has a name his the voices and demands I hear


  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    Hi Steph, :)

    Thanks for posting this thread to ask about this. Sorry to hear that you've been getting these chronic pressures in your head. *hug*

    You were saying that it's like someone living in your head. How do you feel about this and how long has it been going on for?

    Thanks for posting the photo too, it was quite small so couldn't see it in detail, could you say more about what the picture is?

    It's really positive that you're writing about this here. Not sure if you've heard of this before before there's an organisation Hearing Voices Network which might be useful to have a look at. There's also NHS 111 which might be helpful too, you can find the website here

    You're welcome to keep posting here if it helps to write stuff down :yes:
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 The Mix Regular
    Well I have mixed feelings for him he helps me out sometimes a lot of the time I go out the door and dont know wether to turn left or right and if his awake he will tell me but when he pushes against my head I don't like that or the demands. I can't remember how long it's been going on for I named him when I was 19 so that's 2 years but no-body evan knows about this. I think the compressing against my head though is to do with what happened last year because it's been since then I have felt that. He dosent want me telling people either. He tells me not to trust her or him. I feel stupid now can you delete that picture please just that post not this thread, if you can do that?. It's a brain that I got from Google and underneath I drawn a stick person with his hands as if they were comressing on the side of my head (like what happens) and that's where he lives. When I was younger I had email support from Voice Collective. I looked on the hearing voices network bit there's no groups or anything in my area with them or they don't offer email support I am sure.
  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    Hi Steph, I've deleted the picture for you, thanks for describing it to me though :yes:

    Sounds like it's confusing to have mixed feelings for the him and the demands. Would you be able to say what kind of demands they are?

    Sounds like it been going on for a while You've been really brave to talk about it here, sounds tough to cope with. It's really positive that you're looking for some support here.

    Sorry to hear that hearing voices network doesn't have any groups in your area. How did you find emailing the Voice Collective?
    if you wanted to have a look at them again here's their site

    There's local services finder you can put your postcode into to find places near to you here

    Another place, I'm not sure if you've heard them but Sane might be useful to have a look at here too.

    You're doing really well to open up about what's been going on for you, we're here for you *hug*
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 The Mix Regular
    Thanks :)

    Well demands to kill myself which dosent help when that's what I'm thinking anyway. He dosent like me telling people about him so if I do he will shout at me telling me to hurt myself ect. I'm not obeying what he says so his going to keep shouting at me. I could litcherally drill a hole in my head I bet a person would fall out!

    Yeah I liked emailing voice Collective. Email/online chat is good as I hate talking on the phone.

    I'm feeling so drained and overwhelmed. I'm tierd. I have heard of Sane :) I get a text from them on their unique text thing which I love such a good idea! (you can choose a day/what time each time to recieve a text) obviously for me I receive my text on a Monday night as Monday nights are difficult as that is when the rape happened.
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 The Mix Regular
    Steph, you know that I'malive you post of people's threads I keep trying to go in for a chat but all the times I've tried it says offline.

    I've made a lot of phonecalls and everything this week. I had to phone DWP to change my address, phone my bank to change my address, had to phone CICA because I'm claiming compensation because he injured me from what he did last year. Had to let my VLO (victim liaison officer) my new address. I've been placed on a waiting list for counselling with RVSP rape sexual violence project in Birmingham but that is 3month wait. I've got a form coming that I need to fill out for healthyminds and a form coming to apply for a concessionary bus pass (I've got one for where I used to live because of my mental health). I've been on the phone lots this week with St.basils because I'm waiting for a general floating support worker from their but the lady has been off sick (I've got a support worker within the supported living project but she is more of a keeping the tenancy support worker/home related support). My mum is bringing my grandma and aunty to see the house tomorrow then I'm stopping at my mums for the night and she is bringing me back on Sunday. Hope we don't argue (we get on better now that we don't live together).

    I had to go in to my doctors for a registration nirse appointment the other day so hopefully I'll be able to (I need to) go to the doctors because I have constant thoughts of self harm and suicide. So I'm going to try and do that Monday which could arrive more services to the ones above. Maybe go through Birmingham mental health to try and get a diagnosis and the correct care! I want to be placed for CBT for PTSD and suicidal thoughts. I'm just going to end up taking my own life soon. My medication needs sorting out aswell.

    Ughhh and I'm like in the most dangerous town you could possibly live in 😟
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Sounds like things are tough right now Lost_sense *hug*

    I just wanted to let you know that I'mAlive doesn't work on mobile internet (it even says that somewhere on their website) and I can't get it to work on my mobile either. However I went on it for the first time yesterday, on my laptop and it worked.

    Wishing you best of luck for your doctors appointment.
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 The Mix Regular
    Ohhhh..I know it said it's best on a WiFi connection but didn't see that it says it does not work on smartphones. Well now I know why it keeps saying offline! Thanks
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 The Mix Regular
    hmm well that didn't work come on my mums laptop as Im here for the night and tried to connect to Imalive still woudnt let me
  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    HI Steph, sorry to hear that you weren't able to get I'm Alive to work, how are you feeling at the moment? How did it go when your mum brought your grandma and aunty up to see you the other day? Sounds like things are really hard at the moment. You're doing really well to write here about whats going on for you, we're here to listen and support you *hug*
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 The Mix Regular
    I don't know how I'm feeling atm. I'm trying to call the doctors up but I hate speaking on the phone but that's only only way I'll get an appointment. You have to call up and talk to a doctor and then the doctor will offer you a same day appointment if they think it's needed. Line has been busy so far. I really want to say everything my thoughts and feelings but then I fear he may section me because my life is in danger. Or I fear saying everything and being completely dismissed again and walking out of that gp surgery more suicidal than ever.

    It went OK with my family no arguments or anything. My aunty that came with my mum and grandma has cancer so it was lovely seeing her. My mum did grab my arm yesterday and rolled up my sleeve and shouted at me for cutting and said I need medical help. I got peeee'd of about.
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 The Mix Regular
    Doctors appointment at 10:50 I only had to talk with the receptionist because she said there's face 2 face appointments available. So I don't need to talk with a doctor over the phone! Wish me luck! I want to come out with some medication and satisfied that the doctor will do some referals or something. I'm scared though..
  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    Hi Steph,

    How did your doctors appointment go today? :chin: Glad to hear it went OK with your family and there were no arguments or anything that sounds positive :yes:
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 The Mix Regular
    Crap absolutely crap. I am lividddd. So so annoyed seriously I do not understand at what point you get help probably at the time when your dying. The doctor wasent going to up my queitapine or give me any additional medication. I told him about the pressure on the left hand side of my head. I told him about the suicidal thoughts feelings, ideas and the voices at first he said he would refer me to a psychiatrist in this area and for me to go back in a weeks time which in my head I wasent happy about as I would of just walked out with the same as I went in with (if he would of given me additional medication or upped my quetiapine I would have been walking out with something) but he didn't know how long that was going to which is like months to get a psychiatrist appointment but then I said something specific about taking my own life and he said shall I just refer you to crisis team today so I waited back outside while he made some phonecalls he called me back in and suggested I attend A&E but I have no idea where that is, he printed of a letter and said it would be good to hand the letter in at A&E(which I haven't read before but now I have and is from the CMHT from where I lived before) mentioning BPD/EUPD which BPD was my first thought a while ago but now I disagree with that. Anyway if you go to A&E or anywhere for BPD you're just completely dismissed and ignored(which is probably why I have been all my life). I didn't think I have a firm diagnosis anyway but on the letter it says BPD and EUPD if people read BPD they will just turn you away. The letter lies about me and is not in my favour at all. Its very interesting. I'm not going going to A&E I'll come out evan more angryer than I am now they'll just be no help at all. I just want to sleep now
  • MikeMike Screen addict 🎮 LondonPosts: 2,804 Community Manager
    All this sounds so overwhelming, @Lost_sense. Bad experiences of health services are among the most frustrating and demoralising things out there. :( Be sure to take those (even little) steps to look after yourself where you can. How are you feeling now?

    When you say the letter lies about you and it isn't in your favour - what do you feel would be a true representation of you? Did he also refer you to the psychiatrist (despite the waiting list) or was the A&E suggestion in place of that?
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 The Mix Regular
    Hi Mike,

    I don't know, I'm feeling a cluster of things. Well I don't think the doctor wanted me to read the letter he said to hand it to A&E and he put it in an envelope. I don't know but that isn't. Well at first he said he would refer me to the psychiatrist despite the wait but then I said I would stand in front of a train so he said shall I refer you to the crisis team today (which was actually just to be told to go to A&E) so I think the crisis team would have then assessed me and let me go with nothing (that's why I haven't gone as I would of come out more angry than I am now) and then yes, the crisis team they would have referred me to the psychiatrist here. So I have to go back to the doctors and tell him I didn't go to A&E and ask him to refer me to the psychiatrist directly as I changed my mind about going to A&E 😡 and thank him for giving me that letter ofc! Haha.
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 The Mix Regular
    A year and 3 weeks tonight he raped me
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