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Is my ex-boyfriend a sociopath or something else?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
Please read this and comment if possible because this situation is tearing me apart and I have no idea what to do now.

Okay. So, this'll be somewhat of a long story.

He and I just broke up and I have considered the possibility of him being a Psychopath for weeks, even during our relationship.After reading, let me know what you think about the possibility.


Let's call my boyfriend my the name "Nick." So, I had recently gotten out of a bad relationship with a guy I liked prior to Nick. He and I didn't date, but I had strong feelings for him and he messed with my emotions for months. Nick was an interesting person who I had been in class with for the past 2 years at school. I had always been strangely drawn to him, and not knowing exactly why. He was very careless, the stoner type of kid who didn't do his homework but still managed to be smart and get decent grades. He was cool. The year before, I remembered how he had complimented me about my band t-shirt for the Ramones, telling me how cool of a band they were. Ever since, I had thought he was cool, and was strangely compelled to get to know him for almost 2 years. So, in an attempt to become his friend, when I was out one day and missed the homework, I DMed him on a social media account and asked what I had missed. Instantly, he was very nice and offered to send me the work. After he did, we got into a long conversation and immediately bonded over the fact that we both loved history class. Then, we got into a long and detailed conversation about politics and talked for quite a while about how we both supported the same presidential candidate, etc. We talked about music too, and at the end of the conversation I was about to go out so I told him I had to go and he said that he would see me at school the next day. I immediately felt refreshed and happy. He had this kindness and intelligence that most guys didn't seem to have. He had common courtesy that the guy I liked before, didn't have at all.

The next day I walked by him in the hallway at school, and he smiled and greeted me. I liked him a lot, and hoped to get to know him more. After this, I waited about a week to message him again, and we talked and talked about endless topics that I never felt I could discuss with anyone else: religion, music, family, and more. He asked me for my number so we wouldn't have to talk over the social media anymore. We talked about deep topics, and I told him how I had used marijuana to self medicate in the past but then quit. I said how it had helped with my anxiety, and he told me that he too had quit smoking. He said he understood my anxiety because he had "really bad depression." I felt like I could relate with him so easily and he understood me more than anyone else. It seemed like everything I said, he had something to relate with me somehow. Politically, we agreed about almost everything. We had many of the same interests, so much that the both of it almost thought it was creepy. We both liked psychology, neurology, astronomy, cosmology, religion, history, similar music, everything. We had the same goals and the same fears. I felt like he was my soul mate and I fell for him immediately.

We had a break from school, April vacation, and it got to the point that each day he and I texted from the moment we woke up until somewhere around 2-5 AM. He would call thing about me cute that nobody else thought were cute: the fact that I was innocent and had not even had my first kiss, the fact that I was nerdy and loved Star Trek, the fact that I had a weird lingo and said things like "'Tis" and "'Twas."He opened up to me about very personal things on one of the first few times we even talked, telling me his insecurities and more. He said to me that he had only ever told this to 2 other people, and that I had a very welcoming personality that made him feel comfortable telling me right away. He said that I was so sweet and so great about making him feel better. We stayed up late into the night, talking about absolutely everything and anything. We asked each other questions, and we would play this little game where one asked the other a question and then we would both answer. Sometimes, we asked questions just about life and random thing, sometimes he would want me to ask weird or dirty questions. If he wanted that, then I did it. We connected so fast.

Then, this one night, he told me that there was this conflict he had with two girls. One of them he called "the other girl" and the other one he called "prom girl" because he was taking her to prom. I got afraid that he didn't like me that way, even though he acted so much like he did. He said that he had a very genuine connection with the other girl,but he had already asked prom girl to go to prom. I was disappointed, but I assumed this other girl was me and he was trying to indirectly tell me. The next day, I told him that I liked him, because I didn't want to continue what was happening if he didn't like me back. Then, he said to me that if I hadn't guessed it already, I was the other girl. He said he would text prom girl the next day and tell her they could only go to prom as friends. He started calling me cute things like sweetie and flirting with me a lot more now. We stayed up late every night, and when he got really tired he would get loopy and tell me how pretty I was and say cute things about how he loved my soft, quiet voice or even say things like, "Your voice is the personification of a rose petal." I was so in love. Every day all I could think about was talking to him. I already felt like I was in love. When break ended and we returned to school, we would walk together in the halls and talk and laugh. He would compliment me and tell me I looked pretty. We would joke and tease each other in a sweet, cute way. I felt so comfortable with him already, and I am very shy and do not open up easily at all. We had a very strong bond, it was undeniable. But, unfortunately, he said that he didn't want to look bad, so we couldn't hold hands in school or go on dates or anything like that until after prom. So, we went through about three weeks until then. The wait sucked, but I felt like I would wait any amount of time for him. Right before we hung out for the first time, he got a job working at restaurant. He started working crazy long hours. On saturdays and sundays, he would start work at 10 AM and work until 11 PM without a break, or so he told me. When we finally hung out for the first time, he came over and then we went to see a movie. He was sweet and gentle and kind the whole time. We talked a lot, watched TV, and I would just lay my head on his shoulder and feel like I was the happiest girl in the entire world. He was very charming and nice to my parents when he introduced himself, and said hi to my younger sisters as well. When we went to the actual movie theater, we talked and laughed during the movie and he kissed me for the first time. After the movie, we walked around the parking lot holding hands talking and laughing, and then he went home. It was the happiest night of my life. I was head over heels in love with Nick already.


It was not long before things started to get a bit strange. The next time we hung out was on his birthday, and I gave him a gift and a letter that were very heartfelt. He loved them and told me how sweet and cute they were, how sweet and cute I was, and how he had never liked anybody as much as me at all. And he had had quite a few past girlfriends/encounters with girls. I felt so special. He said he had never had a genuine connection like ours with anybody at all. I believed him when he said this. The way he touched me and looked at me, felt like he already loved me too. When we hung out that day on his birthday, he finally asked me if I wanted things to be official, to be his girlfriend, and of course I said yes. But later on that night, he and I went to this little waterfall in my town. It was dark and we could barely see, so we were a bit scared. When we got to the top of the waterfall, we sat down and it felt so romantic, but at the same time it also felt like a scene in one of those horror movies where someone dies any moment. That was when out of the blue, he asked me if I had ever thought about killing someone and how I would do it. I sat there, surprised. I told him that it had never really crossed my mind. Then, he said something along the lines of, "C'mon, you never lay awake at night thinking about it? I do, I think I'm a bit of a Psychopath." Then he laughed, and proceeded to tell me exactly how he would kill someone if he had to, how he would dispose of the body, everything. I sort of just brushed it off because afterwards we got up and walked around and talked and then kissed for a while. The night was pretty perfect.

But the next day, I thought deeply about what he said, and about him as a whole. Over the course of our friendship/relationship, he had said a lot of little, strange things to me. I had never paid much attention to them. But now I had reason to, since he had detailed to me exactly how he would kill someone. For example, he talked to me a lot about his crazy ex girlfriends and how weird they were, how one of them made him depressed in their relationship and how he had never really liked her but only dated her so that it would make him feel more confident. He told me that people called him cold because he could drop people out o his life very easily and not miss them at all. He told me that he didn't feel any remorse, that he didn't really have a conscience at all. He even told me that he had thoughts about punching, strangling, or ramming into people with cars. I myself was pretty messed up with my anxiety and depression issues, so I had just brushed it off. But now, it all seemed a bit strange. He also had an obsession with crazy serial killers like Manson or Dahmer. I thought this was cool, because I was also really into psychology and criminology. But he took it to stranger levels. He had videos of Manson saved in his phone that he would show me sometimes.

So, the next day I asked him if he was actually a Psychopath because he had joked about it the night before and he had many characteristics of one. He immediately acted like it was stupid for me to think he was serious, and said it was only a joke.

So I just moved on. For the next 2 weeks or so everything was normal and he didn't act weird about anything. He was working a lot, though, and was extremely tired and started to be a bit distant from me. He still treated me very well whenever we hung out and everything felt like magic, almost too good to be true. We were very comfortable with each other. His family loved me. It was all so perfect, excluding the Psychopath stuff.

A few days later, though, things got weird again. We were talking on the phone and he told me very dark secrets about his family and himself. He said how his mother was abusive when they were younger and would hit them but call it discipline. He even said how once she had whacked his head so hard that it started bleeding everywhere. But he said that his mother hadn't hit them in 6 years and she denied a lot of it now. He said he had a really [censored] up childhood and was lucky he didn't have PTSD or something. Then, he told me how everyone in his family had some issues, mostly mental issues. He told me crazy, almost unbelievable stories about his schizophrenic aunt or his alcoholic grandfather. He said that all of his parents and siblings had issues, except him. One sibling was bipolar, another had anger issues. But him, he said, had nothing. He said that his mom said he would be the savior of the family because he was normal. He even said, "I've never had depression or anxiety in my life." I was astounded. When we were first talking, he had told me he had really bad depression. And at one point he had also mentioned that he had anxiety and was shy in his freshman year of high school. Anyways, he continued to tell me that now he was very confident, the most he had ever been. It was strange, because when we first talked he told me about his insecurities about his body. But now, he was overly confident. I feel like he was contradicting himself left and right. The next day, he acted like he never even told me about his abusive mother. He even said, "I've had a really normal, average life." I was freaked out because it was constant, him changing his story a lot.

Still, I tried to tell myself to just get over it. I loved him. I had to accept him, despite the weirdness. But then it got worse. My friend Sally's dad died of cancer and it was terrible. So, he asked how my day was and I said it was bad. He treated me with care and nicely called me and asked what had happened and why I was upset. I told him about Sally's dad. This was after work, and he was a bit tired. But, when he called, he sounded alright. Immediately, though, after I explained Sally's dad, he got strangely emotionless and weird. He said, "Well that's depressing." I remember exactly what happened next. I said, "Yeah, kind of." And he sounded angry as he asked, "Kind of?" and I said back, "Well pretty depressing." That was when he said, "Yeah, now you're right." He sounded irritated, angry, and cold. His voice then turned blank and he just said, "I have nothing else to say." And I asked if I could change the topic, if Sally's dad bothered him. I started talking about something else. All he responded was "Hm. Well, I've got nothing to say. We should hang up now." I sat there, astounded. I said good night and we hung up. Afterwards I somehow felt like I had done something wrong by telling him what happened so I texted him and apologized, even though I knew I hadn't done anything deep down. He ignored my message completely. The next day, I was hurt and upset when I saw him at school. I texted him that morning and told him we needed to talk. When I saw him, his normally gentle and beautiful green eyes looked angry and full of rage. But the second I started talking to him, he acted charming and sweet. He acted like there was no problem and nothing had happened. HE asked what I wanted to talk about, and I almost felt like I couldn't complain anymore because he was acting like nothing was wrong at all. I said never mind, and he said no, you have to tell me. Instead of being specific and asking why he was rude on the phone, I asked why he had been distant lately. He just seemed like he barely even wanted to talk to me, and wasn't really treating me like a girlfriend. He then told me that he was only distant because he was tired from work. Then, he said, "Oh, and the reason I didn't reply to you last night was because I was sort of in a meeting with my boss." I highly doubted that he was, though. Not at 11:30 PM when he was normally the last one in the restaurant and cleaning up to leave. Then, he said, "So, issue resolved then?" Unsure of what to do, I just agreed that it was resolved and moved on because I felt like he was acting like it was ridiculous for me to be upset about anything at all. I spent the next few days obsessing over my theory that he was in fact a Psychopath. We had plans to hang out that weekend, and I decided that how he acted that weekend would determine my next course of action.

The day he was coming over, Sunday, we had previously talked about possibly advancing in our relationship, meaning doing sexual things. But I didn't want to do that, not now when I felt like there was something weird in our relationship. Also, my parents were going to be home and it felt wrong. So, the morning he was coming over, he was acting happy and excited. Then, I told him that we couldn't do that today, because my parents were going to be home. He acted strange, just saying "Oh" and seeming upset. Then, he said, "Well, our parents are aways home, so you know we are going to have to do it with them home at some point." It was almost like he wanted me to feel bad for saying we couldn't do it. So, I asked if he was upset and he said, "No, just tired." Seemingly, though, he was upset. I felt like he was telling me passive aggressively. I got upset and told him that he couldn't take out his being upset on me just because I didn't feel comfortable doing that with my parents home. Then he got very angry at me. He acted childish, telling me that he wasn't upset and I was silly to think so. I felt like he wanted me to react the way I did, but once I did he got angry at me. When he showed up at my house, he turned on the TV and sat there folding his arms and sort of pouting. Usually he would wrap his arms around me and stroke his fingers up and down my arms or kiss me. But not today. I tried to lean in and kiss him and he told me no, just watch the movie. He wouldn't even let me. He wouldn't even touch me until I reached and grabbed his hand. He was so angry. When the movie ended, I put on a different one, one that I actually wanted to watch, and he just layed face down on my bed and wouldn't watch it. I got hurt and upset. It felt like he was acting like a 2 year old because he didn't get what he wanted. Eventually, I did what I had to do to make things normal again. I apologized for what I did earlier and for how I acted like he was upset. Then, he started treating me like an actual human being again. By the end of the night, we were back to normal again. But during the day, he teased me a lot. We used to tease each other in a cute way, like he would make fun me being a nerd. But that day, it wasn't cute. He called all the music I showed him "garbage." And he called me stupid names like "you uncultured swine" or "you [censored]." I knew he was joking, but it hurt because I am a bit of a sensitive person. That night, when he left, he texted me and apologized for teasing me too much. He just said, "That was wrong of me. I'm so sorry." I started to feel better that he actually was sorry about something. It made me think he couldn't actually be a Psychopath.

He did, however, lie sometimes for no apparent reason. He lied about when he was going to work, and if I asked him about it he would make up another lie that I could easily detect. It was careless lies, like it was so easy for me to figure out that he was lying. I felt like he thought I was stupid. Or if we were supposed to call each other, he might say, "I can't because I'm talking to my mom." Then I would see him liking things on social media. I wished he would just tell me the truth and say he didn't feel like it or something like that. I would rather that than being lied to.

After these incidents, everything got better and went back to normal for about 2 weeks. He treated me extremely well for the next few weeks, calling me almost every night and being sweet and calling me babygirl all the time. It started to feel like when we first talked again. I went over his house a few times and we were so in love. We said we loved each other for the first time. All my worries about him being a Psychopath disappeared. He couldn't be if he loved me right? It seemed hard for him to say it sometimes, though. I usually had to say it first. But the way he touched me, spoke to me, held me, made me sure that he loved me. I believed it when he said he had never felt this way about anybody. He talked about the future. He talked about going to college and was asking me which college seemed good. We had plans for the summer, to go to a concert together, to go to the beach, to go to his restaurant. We talked like we really would be together a long time. And I believed it. So did he. He even once said, "I've been with 8 girls. And I'm really planning to stop on this one." I really believed he was serious and I still do today. There was this one time where we were just laying there, listening to a love song and staring into each others eyes, saying nothing for like an hour. And the way he looked at me was so loving. His eyes looked like a little puppy dog, I couldn't stand how adorable it was. After all the silence, he finally looked me in the eyes and said "I love you" in the most genuine, sincere tone. I really think he loved me. Then he said that it was like that quote from Pulp Fiction, "You know you've found someone really special when you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share silence." I was sure that he really did love me. And I loved him very much as well. This was the last time we ever hung out. He had work almost every day the next week, and then I was leaving to go on vacation. I was afraid that we would somehow start to argue if we were away from each other that long, since we normally saw each other almost every day.

I was, unfortunately, right.

The next day after we hung out for the last time, we called each other on the phone and were talking for hours and hours. We were in love, it was all perfect. He had gotten out of a long day at work and it was late, somewhere around 3AM. I told him he should sleep, because he had been very overtired lately from work. But he didn't want to, he wanted to keep talking. So, I said alright, just for a little bit longer. I cared more about him feeling well than us talking longer. So, we are talking and talking. All of a sudden, I don't even remember how, but the topic of Michael Jackson and how he sexually abused children came up. He talked about it like normal, it was all normal. Then, all of a sudden, something happened. It was completely out of the blue. Nick just says, "I don't know what's wrong with me." I was nervous so I asked what was wrong. He said, "All of a sudden, I don't feel anything. I'm completely emotionless. I feel numb." I was confused. His tone of vice had completely shifted from happy to totally blank. He didn't even sound like the same person. I asked if there was anything I could do. I asked if he wanted to go to bed now. His response to every single question was, "I don't know." He said he hadn't felt that way since when he used to smoke marijuana and it would make him feel very numb and emotionless. I was afraid. I felt like I had done something wrong to make it happen. I started hearing a loud noise and he said that he was hammering nail. At 3:30AM. I asked why he was hammering a nail, and again I just heard a blank "I don't know."I was so afraid, for him. I loved him and was concerned. At this point, I told him he had to go to bed. We said our usual I love you and then hung up. I texted him and asked if he was sure he was okay, and he said yes. His responses were robotic. He said "I think I will be okay if I sleep." He was not himself at all. I said I wished I could be there with him to hold his hand and help him and he just said "Oh." I was astounded and afraid and hurt. I told him good night and that was the end of it. Millions of scenarios ran through my head about why this might have happened. I wondered if the Michael Jackson discussion had triggered memories. Maybe he had been sexually abused. He had only ever told me he was physically abused, though. I was afraid for him. I wondered if he really was a Psychopath.

The next day, he acted like nothing happened. He sad he felt normal again and he said that the night before had just been due to him being very tired. He said work has been stressing him out and his thoughts are all jumbled. I felt that this wasn't possibly true though. It had happened so suddenly, in the blink of an eye. It was not like he had gradually become tired or something. He acted like it was no big deal at all and acted like it was stupid for me to think that it was.

After this night, nothing was ever the same. He was distant again, like he had been that week when we talked about Sally's dad on the phone. I tried to talk to him, but I got a lot of empty responses over text. I would get upset and ask him why he was acting like he didn't want to talk and he would say, "How am I being distant?" He didn't even see it, when he was just giving me one word or short answers to almost everything. I told him I felt like he was two different people, one loving and kind, the other cold and distant. He was not even treating me like a girlfriend, but more like a chore to talk to. If I had any problems, he would ask about them, and after I explained he would only say something like, "Oh that sucks" or "Oh, jesus." He didn't seem to care at all. We would call and talk on the phone and things would seem normal. Hw would still say he loved me and call little thing I did cute. But it didn't feel the same. He would tease me and call me lame and I would tell him that it made me start to worry I actually was lame. Then he would do it again the next day. I felt like he did;t understand my feelings at all. Where had the Nick I connected so well with gone? I felt like I was talking to a wall half the time, because he was barely showing emotion anymore, or caring about mine. Whenever it bothered me that he seemed so distant, he would act like I was being oversensitive and it was;t a problem. I think that I probably was oversensitive about it because I'm a sensitive person, but I still think there was a problem. He treated me nicer when he was trying to get me to like him, then he was treating me when I was his actual girlfriend. I was hurt that he didn't see my side of things. Some nights were okay, we would say how in love we were and stuff, but others just felt weird and wrong. He seemed distant, but I still knew he did love me. Then one night, when I was on my period and I was very upset, I exploded. I couldn't take it anymore. I told him I felt like he was sometimes rude to me and didn't care about my problems. He was so strange back. He said "I don't know what to say. I've told you I love and care about you, I don't know what else you want." I told him I wanted him to stop being rude. He showed no emotions back to me. I said I didn't know how it was going to work out if he never saw that there was a problem at all. He literally just said, "Okay." I asked if that meant he wouldn't care if things didn't work out, and he literally told me, "My prefrontal lobe has not yet fired off a response to that question" or something stupid like that. He wouldn't show any emotion. He said he was keeping his emotions out of it and being logical. Then he said we should go sleep on it and see how we felt the next day. Then I said I loved him and didn't want it to end, and he said something rude like, "Okay, I'm going to bed now, good night."

I was so hurt. He did not seem to care at all. I didn't know what had happened. The past week or so, he just wasn't quite himself at all. The next morning, I asked how he felt and he wouldn't tell me. He again said he was keeping his emotions out of it and only using logic. I said that made no sense, because emotions are the basis of every relationship. He then said "I don't know how I feel. What are you thinking?" I lost it. I did't want to be with someone who would act like he did't care and would not even feel anything. I flipped out and broke up with him, saying he never cared about me and loved me and the Nick I loved would never treat me the way that I was being treated then and there. I wasn't thinking logically, though. I knew deep down I didn't want to break up with him. I should have worked through what was going on because I love him, I still do. I expected him to apologize and fight for me to stay with him. But he had the strangest attitude about it. He acted like the breakup was mutual, even though when asked how he felt he said he didn't know. I don't think he expected me to actually break up with him. But, in response, he said that if I thought that it was best, then he agreed with me. He even said, "Well, it was fun while it lasted. But shit happens." I got even angrier. I didn't understand how he acted like it was no big deal. I acted even crazier, accusing him of never caring about me. He then said, "I did, and still do, but if I'm hurting you, the best thing I can do is let you go." I should have left if there, but I still was getting angry because I was so hurt. I was saying I put in so much effort and he put in so much less. He literally just said, "Alrighty, goodbye. Best of luck in your future endeavors." I said goodbye and told him that I recommended getting help because he clearly had emotional issues and acted sociopathic sometimes. Then it got even worse. He said, "Oh no my emotions are totally fine, I just wasn't as invested in this relationship as I cared to admit." He said that in the past two weeks everything had dwindled in our relationship. That made no sense because we had first said I loved you just 2 weeks ago, and we had been discussing our future less than 2 weeks ago. I was so hurt, I wrote him this long paragraph about how I trusted him and he hurt me. He just told me it was over, there was nothing else to discuss, goodbye.

That night, I realized I made the wrong decision. I still loved him so much, I overreacted and ruined everything. I texted him and told him I was changing my mind, that I wanted him back. I don't know if he read it because he never replied. A few days later, on my doorstep I found a box containing a movie I accidentally left at his house, plus all the sweet love letters I wrote him and the birthday gift I made and worked so hard on for him. It hurt so bad. It felt like he was doing that to make me hurt. He texted me and said the stuff was outside my house. I texted him back and asked him to listen to me, I apologized and said I still loved him and all he said was okay. He told me he didn't want to listen and he had shit to do. I asked if I ever meant anything to him at all and all he said was "sure."

I got in contact with his sister and told her I thought he needed help because he was showing so little emotions. She said she noticed it too and acted like she would get him help, but I don't think she is. She found a letter in his room that was addressed to my house and he was going to mail, at least before I broke up with him. The letter said how much he loved me and was very sweet. I felt terrible for breaking up with him. I knew that he was invested in the relationship. that it was a lie of him saying he wasn't, if he wrote me that letter. His sister told me that he was a difficult person, but also very nice. She said he didn't like showing his emotions. But she said that he liked me a lot, and that she never saw him as happy as he was when he was with me. She also said that their mom was telling Nick to give me another chance because she liked me a lot. She told me to fight for him if I really still loved him.

But he has been cold and doesn't seem to care. Last night, I tried calling him and he didn't answer. I left a voicemail saying how I thought us ending was wrong and I was sorry. I told him we couldn't give up the genuine connection we had. But I don't know if he listened to the voicemail. I don't think he will. I think he wants nothing to do with me now. I don't understand how you can stop loving someone so fast, how you can care so little. I don't know what to do.

[FONT=Trebuchet MS, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]So the question is, is he a Psychopath? Something else? I have considered everything, from sociopathy to bipolar to narcissistic personality disorder to depersonalization disorder to alexithymia to borderline personality disorder to cyclothymia to even more... He is so confusing and I have no idea, any ideas anyone? Also, what should I do to resolve everything and get our relationship back? please help.[/FONT]

[FONT=Trebuchet MS, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Also, a few thing I forgot to mention include that he liked to make me angry. He used to say it gave him pleasure and it was funny when my face got red and when my voice got irritated. He would intentionally do things and make things up just so we could disagree and he could make me angry. He thought it was cute. But it annoyed me a lot because I hate being angry. For example, if I liked Led Zeppelin, he would pretend that he hated them and argue with me about them until I got mad. Then, a few days later, he would tell me that he actually liked Led Zeppelin and didn't hate them. Stuff like that. I don't know why he enjoyed making me angry so much. [/FONT]

Comments

  • MikeMike Posts: 1,707 Staff Moderator
    Hey @tempestclearwater, and welcome to the community. :wave:

    Firstly I just want to say I hope you got some level of relief from writing all that down and getting things off your chest? You and 'Nick' have clearly been through quite a journey together with a lot of roller-coaster-type ups and downs. It sounds like an intense relationship on the whole, both positively and negatively. It's super difficult when we can't figure out where we stand with someone or why someone is behaving a certain way, and it's commendable that you've reached out to us for support on things here. :yes:

    To summarise for others reading this thread, am I right in gathering that the main points are the following?:
    You both got very close at school and bonded over mutual interests, proceeding to spark a very intense (and almost ideal) sounding romance together. Some time in to this relationship with him, he began to exhibit questionable behaviors including showing very little emotion, appearing to be quite cold/blunt, and asking strange questions. You weren't sure if this was just his quirky/weird personality and interests coming through or if it was something deeper that warranted concern, but you went with it and decided to take him as he was.

    But this got worse. It started to really affect you and the relationship as he began to exhibit these behaviors more often and more amplified level. He seemed to lose interest and feelings seemed to die down, understandably causing a lot of confusion and inner turmoil for yourself. He showed an interest in sex when you discussed it, but then went back to being blunt/cold when you decided you weren't up for it. This only furthered the aforementioned feelings.

    You decided to end it with him after all this came to a header but were still very concerned about his wellbeing, so got in touch with his sister and tried to check in with him to make sure he was okay and that people were aware of your worries. You also mentioned regretting breaking up with him and thought it was the wrong decision, despite him claiming he wasn't as invested in the relationship as he made it seem (which you don't believe is a genuine claim).

    Now, what you're wondering is whether or not he actually is a psychopath or suffering from some mental health difficulties, or if those behaviors are just part of who he is. You also said you'd like to ask about ways you can try to repair the relationship.

    If I've missed any crucial points or gotten that wrong, feel free to correct what I've said and/or repost a summary of your own. :)

    I won't touch on everything you've mentioned in my response, because I'm sure there are others here who will be able to chip in with their own thoughts on the different element of your post.

    Although, the main thing I wanted to explore a little is that you can generally only do so much for someone before handing the baton to them to do their bit in whatever is happening (in this case, repairing the relationship and supporting him with his mental health, which you believe is in a concerning way). While it's often just human nature to want to help someone and do the most we can to make something happen, there usually has to be a point where the other person has to co-operate before things move further if that makes sense?

    It really sounds like you've done a huge amount to try and help this guy and build bridges, and I salute you for trying so hard and trying to look out for him, but ultimately we need the other person to play ball in order to achieve those things. It get the impression he's being a bit resistant to your efforts and ignoring your communications (which must be hugely frustrating), so it's understandable that you've hit this barrier.

    I also wonder whether or not you miss him or the good times you had? I realise there's a thin difference between those two! While there's nothing wrong with relishing the good times and cherishing those memories, there's usually a danger of romanticising what that person was like and how good the relationship was. Do you reckon that might be the case here? :chin:
    just because you're not doing something perfectly, doesn't mean you're not doing it
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Tempestclearwater,

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    He sounds a very awkward guy, but yet again I don t know him well enough to judge, but some things really caught my eye.

    Firstly, the fact he wouldn t hold hands with you in public. How does holding hands with your girlfriend, look bad? Was he trying to hide something from you? Have you ever asked him why he was afraid of looking bad?

    Secondly, him asking whether you ever thought of killing someone and how, is very creepy and odd. Have you ever thought he was saying those things on purpose to shock you? It must have been so scary for you!
    It would have made sense if you were randomly talking about something related to horror movies such as psychopaths....

    I had a similar experience with one of my exes who in the middle of the night started whispering saying that the devil existed and that freaked me out!

    Thirdly, why tell you that he used to date girls that he didn t like, when he didn't make much of an effort to show you, he was really interested in you? How is that of help to you? Just makes you have more doubts. Not reassuring at all. And I totally empathise with you, you must have felt like he was implying something.

    I doubt he will change his ways, there is a saying that states "the best predictor of future behaviour, is relevant past behaviour". And to some extent, that is true. To have a happy relationship, its important to have stability. How do you feel about him and his mood swings affecting your relationship?

    It can get very exhausting after a while.

    He might have some weird tendencies and obsessions and perhaps he is afraid of telling you the truth about him having them, and dismisses it as a joke. He could have been telling you these things as an experiment to see how you would react to him being his true self. I think he was trying very hard to self contain himself from showing his true self, that he didn t know how to handle it.

    From how he replied on the phone when you told him you were upset about Sally's dad he acted like he didn't care, no empathy, which must have been quite alarming for you. However, have you ever thought that he's afraid of feeling pain and getting hurt? That might explain why it looks like he constantly tries to build a wall between you and him.

    Its unacceptable though that he insisted to have sex with you and you did a good job at sticking to your guns. Personally, a guy that gets upset because of that, is a big red flag for me. If you truly love someone, you will respect their choices and wait till they are ready.

    If you get back with him, make sure there is open communication. If there is no dialogue, such as him refusing to tell you why he is angry, or upset, then this might affect your relationship as a whole. You shouldn t apologize for something you haven t done, it is not fair on you.

    My ex had very bad mood swings, he was Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, he would be the sweetest person ever and then suddenly become upset for the tiniest thing. It felt like I was walking on eggshells the whole time.

    If you are thinking of getting back with him, will you be able to trust him again?

    When two people have never been apart for long, and they are forced to be apart for sometime, that is when the relationship is put to the test.

    I think something serious might have happened in the past, maybe in his childhood, a trauma of some kind, but maybe he didn t feel ready to speak about it yet, which is understandable.

    I would suggest you not to put any pressure on him right now. Try to avoid calling him or texting him, and wait till he reaches out. I think he needs time for himself.

    I am not entirely sure that he has got a disorder, I think it is likely that he s afraid of suffering and getting over-attached to you.
    He also might be conscious of his emotional issues and he might feel he is not ready for a relationship yet, until he sorts himself out.
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