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Triggering: My sisters suicide.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
My sister took her own life at the age of 15, I’d say I didn’t expect it but I remember one day she rang me up and I could hear people in the back screaming at a girl who was ‘bleeding’ although I’m not to sure of the extent of what happened that day the thought was always in my mind that if I didn’t do something soon my sisters mental health would spiral down and down I didn’t want for her to be in and out of psych wards like my mother and I had been during her childhood.

She was being badly bullied both at school and online, The school didn’t really do much for it because after all. Everyone is bullied right its just a normal part of childhood? It isn’t and shouldn’t be seen of that. I guess I always knew she would do something, I didn’t and hope it would be as drastic as ending her life.

I blame myself constantly for her death, as a big sister my role is to protect her, I didn’t do anything to protect her, to help her even when she rang me numerous times telling me she couldn’t carry on, when she’d cry down the phone and my heart would break because my sister was hurting so much.

She died in march and I’m finding it really hard, certain things just set me of, Like hearing her name in the street, I’m so angry at society and ashamed with myself.
How am I supposed to get over my sisters suicide? How am I supposed to not blame myself when I did nothing to help her.

Comments

  • Cat88Cat88 Moderator Posts: 377 Boards Initiate
    Hi Redhead. Firstly, I don't really know what to say as I can't even pretend to relate to this but I can say I am thinking of you.

    Do not blame yourself - mental health is a horrible monster and it takes over people, it's not as simply as you could have protected her. You cared about your sister and she knew that, so please don't feel her death is your fault, although I know that's very easy for me to say.

    There is some information here on dealing with grief and it touches on suicides. There is also some more specific info on this NHS site which I think could help you.

    Is there anyone else you can talk to? Professional counselling may be something you should consider, but even just friends or other family members could help?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was having counselling for a different issue but we talked about my sister briefly except my last appointment was yesterday, So that's not an option anymore,
    I'm just feeling so numb with everything, on one hand I blame myself I hate myself, i want to curl up and cry, Except I can't allow myself to cry, Because I can't show I'm weak to other people they have to think I'm strong, Even though I guess people know I'm not. But on the other hand I want to do something about it, Raise awareness, Campaign. Fight. But i can't.

    My sisters death was unexpected but also expected, Which is really hard to explain, She told me numerous times she was suicidal, Yet I still didn't do anything to support her, I'm numb. And I need her back.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Redhead,

    I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through *hug*

    Sadly, guilt seems to be the typical result of losing loved ones to suicide, and can become overbearing when trying to make sense of what has happened. Everything you are feeling is normal and okay, and it’s natural to think about what you could have done to protect her. As Cat says, the most intense emotions can take over. I wonder if you’ve thought about writing down your feelings or things you might want to say to your sister?

    It’s often easier to place the blame on ourselves rather than our loved one. While you feel that you didn’t do everything you could to help her or prevent what happened, it doesn’t mean that you are to blame. Time will play its part in helping you to move forward, and talking about it on here and with your counsellor is a brave step to help you through this. Although you’ve had your last counselling appointment, it might be worth speaking to your GP or another healthcare professional if you feel you can. Talking to someone else you trust as well about your feelings might help you to work through them and get another perspective on them.

    It’s okay that you want to cry – it can help to ease the intense emotions a little, and those around you should understand that it is a painful and distressing time for you. It’s important you look after yourself too.

    Keep posting on here if you feel it helps :)
  • louisa982louisa982 Thesite.org oldie Posts: 286 The Mix Regular
    Hey . theres no pressure to "get over" her death and she will always be in your heart anyway. Im not sure what to say but wanted to let oyu know im here for you xx*hug**hug**hug**hug**hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Christmas is a few days away, i can't help but think about how excited she'd be, Probably hoping for a new phone or tickets to see Justin Beiber.
    She should be here, I can't get over it,t Everytime i ehar 'suicide; or someones died i just think of her and feel so shit.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Redhead wrote: »
    Christmas is a few days away, i can't help but think about how excited she'd be, Probably hoping for a new phone or tickets to see Justin Beiber.
    She should be here, I can't get over it,t Everytime i ehar 'suicide; or someones died i just think of her and feel so shit.


    Really sorry to hear about your loss *hug* I can't image how hard things must be especially near christmas time :heart:

    Maybe you could do something in memory of your sister on Christmas day (if it makes you feel any better) e.g. have her favourite food, sing her favourite song- just an idea.

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm such a failure
  • Hi Redhead, So sorry to hear what you're going through and for your loss. Grief can take over everything and is really different for everyone

    Were you able to do something to help you remember your sister in a good way over Christmas? I know the holidays can be such a difficult time when you're missing someone. Please don't feel like you're a failure, though I know it's really hard.

    Have you found anyone else you can talk to? Please keep posting. We're all here for you!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Its been nearly a year since she died, every minute I’m breaking apart with all the questions, Why didn’t I help her, why didn’t I save her, why didn’t I even do anything, I need her so much and I always needed her so much more than she actually needed me, and it should have been the other way around. A year down the line and I think im dealing with it less than I was at the beginning, My beautiful baby sister, is gone. And im left alone.
    Everytime someone asks me if im the only one left I wanna cry inside, I still have sisters, I still have Ellie she still lived. Why must she be constantly forgotten about, “How many remaining sisters do you have” just because you can’t see them doesn’t mean they aren’t there.
    She shouldn’t of felt the need to end her own life, she should have been worrying about the normal teenager stuff, Boys, GCSES…everything, not when her attempt would be fatal enough to cut her life so short. I need her. Oh lord I need her.
    I’m breaking apart so fucking much inside that I can’t even cope.
    Please stop this.
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 7,244 Master Poster
    Hello there.
    I'm not really sure what to say to comfort you at this time, but I just wanted to say that we all care about you and will support and listen to you. Have you tried getting in touch with a suicide hotline? They may be able to help you through this. It's ok to cry. It's perfectly ok to feel the way you are feeling at the moment. Probably the most important thing though, is that it was not your fault. You listened to your sister in her hardest times. You did all you could do for her. Guilt is natural. Try to focus on taking care of yourself. It may be easy for me to say but you'll get through this. It won't happen straight away, but try to stay strong.
    Elle.
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It should of been me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Redhead, how are you doing this morning?

    Reading back over this thread, your courage and bravery to be posting about this really inspires me. I think raising awareness of bullying and suicide is something that is really needed in society as the impact of bullying and the damage it can cause to people's lives and to their mental health is huge.

    Sometimes the pain of grief is so strong that we can wish we were the ones who had gone and it sounds like that's what you were thinking when you posted? The thing is, losing you would be no better. Every single life is precious, including yours.

    It's a shame the counselling has come to and end, I wonder if you would consider speaking to your GP about a referral for bereavement counselling? You can let them know that this came up as part of the counselling for a separate issue but that you were only able to touch the surface and you feel you really need the ongoing support to work this through as well.

    Let us know how you're doing *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jo7 wrote: »
    Hey Redhead, how are you doing this morning?

    Reading back over this thread, your courage and bravery to be posting about this really inspires me. I think raising awareness of bullying and suicide is something that is really needed in society as the impact of bullying and the damage it can cause to people's lives and to their mental health is huge.

    Sometimes the pain of grief is so strong that we can wish we were the ones who had gone and it sounds like that's what you were thinking when you posted? The thing is, losing you would be no better. Every single life is precious, including yours.

    It's a shame the counselling has come to and end, I wonder if you would consider speaking to your GP about a referral for bereavement counselling? You can let them know that this came up as part of the counselling for a separate issue but that you were only able to touch the surface and you feel you really need the ongoing support to work this through as well.

    Let us know how you're doing *hug*


    I can't have bereavment counselling based on the fact they believe my loss isn't significant enough and also my age. Which is really annoying, I don't really get on with counsellors, I don't know why me and my old one managed to 'Bond' like we did but somehow we did.

    I just feel that for ages, I felt extremly suicidal and even acted on these feelings, but failed numerous times, Ellie tried and sucseded, it made everything i do look pathetic, and also what if i was the one who put the thoughts into Ellies head? What if she had never thought about ending it, until i tried and she thought it was the norm. What if its my entire fault and mine alone.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That really surprises me in regards to the bereavement counselling - your loss is significant.

    Is it worth seeing if there are any other options in your local area that would take you on? There may be independent bereavement counselling services that you can self-refer to. The local advice finder might be worth a try.

    It's tricky with counsellors in regards to getting along - each one is very different and will have a different style or unique personality so it can take time to find one that you feel able to bond with, it's really positive that you felt able to with the last one but of course whether or not you seek counselling again is entirely up to you.

    It's incredibly sad to hear that both you and your sister experienced suicidal feelings. It's also a natural part of grief to search for someone or something to blame, to be able to find an explanation of some kind. This might even provide some short term relief from the pain of it all.

    However, my sense is that your sister Ellie will have had her own separate life, thoughts, feelings and reasons and part of being in that frame of mind, as you may know yourself, is not feeling able to speak up and ask for help. For you to be here, campaigning against stigma and speaking up about your story really fights against that and provides hope.

    I wonder, have you had any moments when you feel more able to cope? If so, what sort of thoughts go through your head at those times?

    Keep talking to us here *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Its Ellies birthday on sunday and I'm so broken....I can't go through with this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh Redhead, anniversaries like this can be so hard when you've lost someone :( Sending huge hugs to you *hug*

    Do you have any plans for the day at the moment? Making sure you're in the company of others and perhaps doing something with them or on your own to remember Ellie and mark the day might help?

    We're here for you :heart:

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