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*TRIGGERING* Desperate , at breaking point
apandav
Posts: 2,072 Boards Champion
I'm at breaking point, been having suicidal thoughts and they are getting more intense.
Top top off my hopelessness , my psychologist told me she's not sure where to go next from my therapy (said she needs to think and speak to colleagues)- this just adds to my feeling of hopelessness and that therapy won't work.
I've been feeling very hopeless and like nobody understands me, I'm struggling to cope with life as it is and it worries me as my life is going to change a lot in next few years or so. I can't even do simple responsibilities e.g. I avoid checking my bank account and don't tidy my room, so how can I cope with adulthood (I know I am an adult now but I still haven't got a lot of the responsibilities such as a house of my own as I live with my parents). I'm finding transitioning very hard
Additionally I have no hope for the future, and I've explained this a lot and I feel I have evidence but nobody understands me.
I had a tough therapy session yesterday, I broke down and basically she noticed I, frustrated with therapy and I said I don't think it will work, as I believe I will never be able to cope in life.
I have been thinking even if I get through the next while, I have the thought that I may ****** ********* at some point in my life (even if in many years to come, due to not coping).
My suicidal thoughts are very intense and I've been feeling it's the only option. The one thing stopping me is the idea of disappointing my parents....... To be honest I feel it's the only reason I am alive right now.
I want to die.
With all the suicidal thoughts, I've been reaching out to helplines, including papyrus HOPELINE. I'm at the point where I feel I've tried all these services and it's not helping, combined with my psychologist not even knowing how to help me, my already existing hopelessness ...........makes suicidal thoughts more intense.
I am safe right now as around people, but (ironically, kinda contradicts what I've said, I don't get it) it concerns me that I will just *** impulsively - as on top of all the above , I'm struggling to study with exams , my exams are closer than I thought and I think I'm going to fail (I know it's probably the least of my worries, but that additional failure makes me feel more hopeless, and it makes me feel more stressed. (I'm not saying I will, but that it concerns me with everything).
Ironically on the other hand I don't want it to happen, as parents were disappointed as it is with the police coming round ( in January, after get connected contacted emergency services) I'm ironically scared that something will happen and emergency services will get involved.
I know I have said multiple times I am low and been having thoughts, but I'm so close to breaking point right now, I don't even know what to do
My psychologist knows but she advised me if I have to to contact the crisis numbers........ I hate the crisis team, I've had bad experiences with them in the past (they are mean, don't get it, and tell my to just watch tv or have a shower!!!!, they have been rude to me, said stuff like I should be happy ), and I feel they make me feel worse!!!
What am I supposed to do
Top top off my hopelessness , my psychologist told me she's not sure where to go next from my therapy (said she needs to think and speak to colleagues)- this just adds to my feeling of hopelessness and that therapy won't work.
I've been feeling very hopeless and like nobody understands me, I'm struggling to cope with life as it is and it worries me as my life is going to change a lot in next few years or so. I can't even do simple responsibilities e.g. I avoid checking my bank account and don't tidy my room, so how can I cope with adulthood (I know I am an adult now but I still haven't got a lot of the responsibilities such as a house of my own as I live with my parents). I'm finding transitioning very hard
Additionally I have no hope for the future, and I've explained this a lot and I feel I have evidence but nobody understands me.
I had a tough therapy session yesterday, I broke down and basically she noticed I, frustrated with therapy and I said I don't think it will work, as I believe I will never be able to cope in life.
I have been thinking even if I get through the next while, I have the thought that I may ****** ********* at some point in my life (even if in many years to come, due to not coping).
My suicidal thoughts are very intense and I've been feeling it's the only option. The one thing stopping me is the idea of disappointing my parents....... To be honest I feel it's the only reason I am alive right now.
I want to die.
With all the suicidal thoughts, I've been reaching out to helplines, including papyrus HOPELINE. I'm at the point where I feel I've tried all these services and it's not helping, combined with my psychologist not even knowing how to help me, my already existing hopelessness ...........makes suicidal thoughts more intense.
I am safe right now as around people, but (ironically, kinda contradicts what I've said, I don't get it) it concerns me that I will just *** impulsively - as on top of all the above , I'm struggling to study with exams , my exams are closer than I thought and I think I'm going to fail (I know it's probably the least of my worries, but that additional failure makes me feel more hopeless, and it makes me feel more stressed. (I'm not saying I will, but that it concerns me with everything).
Ironically on the other hand I don't want it to happen, as parents were disappointed as it is with the police coming round ( in January, after get connected contacted emergency services) I'm ironically scared that something will happen and emergency services will get involved.
I know I have said multiple times I am low and been having thoughts, but I'm so close to breaking point right now, I don't even know what to do
My psychologist knows but she advised me if I have to to contact the crisis numbers........ I hate the crisis team, I've had bad experiences with them in the past (they are mean, don't get it, and tell my to just watch tv or have a shower!!!!, they have been rude to me, said stuff like I should be happy
), and I feel they make me feel worse!!!What am I supposed to do
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Comments
I wish I knew what to say, but just know we are all here for you
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
Thank you
You mentioned feeling like no-one understands you. I was wondering, have you tried - or would you consider trying - some form of group therapy, or finding a group of people in a similar situation? (For example, people waiting to have the Aspergers test or similar?)
I don't know if this is useful for you, but statistics show that a high percentage of people with thoughts like you've been having do get better -- and an even higher percentage for people seeing a professional as you are. Perhaps she doesn't know what to do in this moment, but that does not mean there is no solution - mostly likely in your next session she will be ready to try something new. The evidence is in your favour - people have felt the way you do right now, and they have got better, and you will do too. In the meantime, something which is often useful is to try and promise not to act right now. Think 'I'll just wait until tomorrow' or 'I'll just wait until I've done one exam' or 'I'll just wait until that new episode of ___ comes out' -- no matter what it is, you have to find something to cling to and allow that to pull you forwards into the future. In this one area of life, procrastination is actually your friend.
Also, with regards to uni exams, try not to put too much pressure on yourself. I know that's much easier said than done, but when you consider how much you're already dealing with, and how much you've already achieved, that's pretty impressive. Something which helps me is reminding myself "I have done the best that I can in /these/ circumstances. Maybe it's not my best, but it's the best I can do right now." Don't hold yourself to anything too unachievable in this moment - there are always opportunities to redo exams and try again. We are always told that there's this very linear path in life that goes something like 'school, uni, good qualifications, good job, happiness' but it's not like that in reality. Life is more like a big squiggly line that goes up and down and around and if you don't get to where you want to be first time, that's okay - you can try again. Similarly, life can't keep getting worse. It's going to get better at some point. You just have to weather this storm.
For now, try to stay in the moment and find something to distract you if you can. You're doing all the right things so far, using helplines and reaching out for help, so well done because in some ways that is half the battle.
I really wish I could help more, but I hope at least a tiny bit of this helps, even if it's just a reminder that so many people care about you and believe in you, and we're right here if you want to talk some more about what you're going through.
Thank you Ravenclaw
I'm finding it hard to stay distracted
Was at my cousins house last night (it was pre-planed and I didnt want to go but went)- I guess it was something, I did get distracted for a bit, although I could barley sleep and kept thinking back to life. Last night when lying in bed, I was just so emotional
I really don't know what to do, or how to progress. Ultimately I would like to enjoy life, I just don't feel its possible- neither my here or my vision of the future is positive, so I question the point
I just want to escape from everything
You said you're struggling to change your thoughts - I think that's very normal, it's definitely one of the hardest things to do. When these thoughts have been with you so long, it's only natural that it also takes a long time to change them. So even though it might be frustrating, there's nothing wrong with you for not being able to manage it yet, and it doesn't mean you never will.
Do you think you might be able to try separating these thoughts to work out what is true and what is just the mental illness talking? So, as a general example which is not specific to you: if you had the thought 'No-one likes me', you would then have to come up with evidence for and against that idea. Evidence in favour of the thought: 'someone told me they didn't like me'. Evidence against the thought: 'someone else smiled at me, told me I did well today, etc'. Then you use this evidence to change the thought to something more accurate, such as 'not everyone likes me but some people do' which would therefore be a more manageable and realistic idea.
Then, next time you think the bad thought, you have to force yourself to correct it to the new one. Even if you don't believe it in that very moment, you have to correct it in your mind. Remember, the bad thoughts feel stronger because they've been in your head more often, so you have to think the good thoughts a lot of times before they start to take hold, too. Does that sound like something that might be possible? If you're stuggling to think of the evidence and find a more accurate idea, you're welcome to ask others to help; it's not something you have to do alone so long as you're happy with the new thought.
I'm definitely no expert, and I don't know if you've tried this before, I'm just speaking from personal experience and things I've read so I hope it helps at least a little
I'm really glad you have a couple of support groups, feeling understood is so important so that's a really positive thing ^-^
It sounds like going to your cousins even though you didn't want to (which in itself is a great achievement! proud of you for that) helped a bit, but things are worse alone at night? That's pretty common too, you're not alone there. What kind of things do you usually like to do? Could you maybe try either writing these thoughts down before bed, and getting them out of your head and onto paper so that your head is clearer before sleep? Or you could do something relaxing and unrelated to anything stressing you out before bed, such as taking a bath, doing some yoga, reading a book, watching a video on youtube, etc?
I also have a list of websites and stuff which are quite good distractions and help me sometimes when things are bad - I can dig out my favourites for you if online things are something you think might help?
You're doing so well, I know things are really hard right now but I promise you're not alone and you can do this, you're stronger than you think.
(oh and sorry for this very long message)
So sorry to hear that you've been feeling this way. You're doing so well to talk about how you're feeling on here, it's really positive that you're talking about what's going on for you. Sounds like things have been really difficult for you to cope with, it's really good that you're sharing with here how you're feeling.
As Ravenclaw said it's really positive that you've joined the casual groups and that you're finding them really nice and that you feel understood
Although you were saying that helplines don't help, if you did feel like things were becoming too overwhelming for you although a helpline might not be able to offer advice they will be there to listen if you wanted to talk to someone, somewhere like Samaritans who are open 24/7. If you did feel too overwhelmed and didn't want to talk to a helpline over the phone then you could also contact 999 for the emergency services.
You were saying that you just really don't know what to do. That sounds really hard to deal with. It's really good that you're talking about you're feelings here on the boards. You were saying that ultimately you'd like to enjoy life but you don't feel it's possible. That seems really tough. How are you feeling at the moment?
I agree with Ravenclaw in that - 'We are always told that there's this very linear path in life that goes something like 'school, uni, good qualifications, good job, happiness' but it's not like that in reality. Life is more like a big squiggly line that goes up and down and around and if you don't get to where you want to be first time, that's okay - you can try again.'
You're doing really well by talking here, feel free to keep posting as much as you'd like to *hug*
Thank you for your reply Ravenclaw, I really appreciate it!
I have covered that coping mechanism you describe in my initial therapy (when I was originally with the primary mh team) , I forgot about it to be honest and I think it makes sense and could be a good way, but I'm struggling to implement it- I keep thinking that I have evidence , although my psychologist doesn't think it's sufficient evidence, then I feel like I'm lying to myself
I'm trying so hard to do distractions but finding it very hard, it's actually part of my current therapy. One thing that helps me is my dogs, they cheer me up, keep me occupied and provide non-judgmental company and comfort when I feel I can't talk to anyone, they make me laugh and I love watching them and playing games. They mean the world to me , and they have stopped me in the past being stupid. I struggle with concentration on tv a lot now
Please could you share some of your websites, I want to give them a shot ?
Thanks so much
Thanks for your reply Steph.
I have still been phoning the Samaritans, it's the only place I can talk 100% openly - I guess it's good to talk but it doesn't solve anything
To be honest I feel like Thursday is my last shot, not holding my hopes up for my psychologist saying something radical though
I'm so scared of emergency services , the police incident in January was awful and I don't want that to happen again
I feel very hopeless right now.
I guess that's true about life, I don't really feel able to cope with any of it.
Thanks for listening!!
Ah, yeah I figured it was likely you'd have done it before but I wasn't sure so figured it was worth a mention. Glad it was a reminder anyway - perhaps with practice you'd feel less like it was lying to yourself? Whatever works best for you, though
Aw, your dogs sound like a brilliant help! Pets are the best listeners, I think
Anyway, here are a few of my favourites. I know you might have seen some of these before, but I don't know which so I'm going to include them anyway.
Outlets to get rid of thoughts and/or find other ways to deal with emotions:
- the thoughts room
- stress analyst guides you through dealing with a stressful situation + calm down
- 7cups, for mindfulness activities and venting to a listener
- guided mindfulness meditation
- moodjuice has lots of info, helps you work through things you'd like to focus on, and has workbooks
- Students Against Depression is a great site with useful articles, self-help worksheets, real life stories etc all specifically for uni students
Games to distract your mind:- Building your own acapella band (since you mentioned liking music) is quite amusing
- Answer trivia questions on any subject + help world hunger here
- Play a multiple choice story where your choices lead you to a different ending. I like this because you can play it more than once and not get bored, just by choosing different options, and you can also find different genres of stories if you don't like this one.
- play with sand (this one distracts me for hours tbh, i always try to make pretty pictures)
- games where you can practice/improve your memory and reaction times, so even though you're playing games it kind of feels productive haha
Hope some of these work for youThank you so much
Yeah I might write a list of coping mechanism (when I feel better in myself) so when I need it I have it ready!
Today has been better, I saw my mentor at uni and she gave me a few good ideas. And I managed to get some studying done , and I met up with the mh group and we went a walk and chatted in a cafe for a while- it was nice and I felt so much better as I could really relate to some people there.
Aw I'm so happy today has been better for you - sounds like the meeting with the mh was really good for reminding you you're not alone, and getting some studying done and feeling productive is always nice, too.
Thanks
Feeling a bit low right now and trying not to overthink it, its really hard though
I literally am lost right now, been studying at the library and will do some more, but then I thought about going home, but not sure how to fill the rest of my day! It's my mums birthday today so I feel like I have to spend a bit more time with her tonight, but I just can't be bothered and in reality want to just go up and sit in my room