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Girlfriend Problems

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Okay, I've had this girlfriend for about 4 months now. The issue is, she really wants me to have sex with her.

I'm a virgin (pretty damn proud to be too) and I'm simply not ready. I don't want to have sex with her. But she just doesn't seem to understand that. She keeps trying to force me into it, but I really don't want to do it.

I don't know what to do. How do I tell her that I don't want to, so she'll understand? Or is this a case of breaking up with her? I really don't know anymore.

Comments

  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    Hey Joel,:wave:

    Thanks for your post and for creating this thread to look for help with this. You said in your post that your girlfriend really wants you to have sex with her but that you don't want to have sex with her but that she doesn't seem to understand that and that she keeps trying to force you into it. That sounds like a really hard situation to be in. You've done really well to look for some help with this. Could you tell us more about what you mean when you say that she doesn't understand anf keeps trying to force you? Seems tough for you to deal with. Have you been able to speak to anyone else about what's been going on?

    There's an article here at The Mix that you might find useful which is called 'How to say no to sex'. Hope this helps. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She just never seems to listen to me when I tell her I don't want to go any further. She won't just stop, she'll keep trying to pull me on top of her or take my clothes off until I push her away and make her stop. She says stuff like:
    'But you're a guy, guys always want sex.'
    Or
    'You're just a baby about it'
    Or
    You get horny don't you? Then just do it.'

    It's really starting to stress me out, I feel like me saying no is wrong and I should just do it and get it over with, but I really don't want to.
  • MikeMike 🖥️🎧 LandaanPosts: 3,143 Community Manager
    Hey Joel,

    Just wanted to say that I've been in a similar situation to this before and I know how frustrating, guilt inducing, and generally problematic it can feel. At the risk of sounding patronising, the only time anyone should be doing anything sexual with someone else is with their express consent and willingness to do so, and you being male doesn't change or remove your human right to decide when you want to have sex; something both partners need to respect for a healthy relationship.

    I know it's a bit of a larger issue when it comes to the social stigma around guys and those expectations, but do you think this is something you could have a serious conversation with your girlfriend about (if you haven't already)? It might help re-frame her perspective on things in a way that she can't just brush off. On a similar note, have you had any conversations with her about this outside of the heat of that moment? If not, it could be worth arranging some time and sitting down to discuss it properly where you can both talk things through and air your feelings; try and get that healthy communication going.

    I'm also curious as to what the relationship is like in general - feel free to give us some more context, if you like. :)
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To be fair, the relationship isn't great. She originally just kept stalking me till I agreed to date her, I felt a bit pushed into a corner. I don't really like her all that much, I just daren't say anything.

    I'm pretty laid back about stuff, I tried talking to her about it, but we just ended up in an argument, and because I'm pretty submissive, I didn't really fight back. I hate fighting and stuff so I just tend not to say anything. I kinda get scared when people yell so I don't like it, I just let them have their way. But I really don't want to do this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there Joel :yippe:

    It sounds like you've been going through a really emotionally tough time recently. Nobody should/ has the right to push you around or tell you what to do, it's your decision to decide. It sounds like you may feel stuck in the situation as you want a quiet life or to avoid confrontation, but in this situation it sounds like you may be being controlled. Relationships should make you happy and supported and the right person should allow you to feel happily to open up about your problems. At the moment it sounds like your girlfriend may be undermining you and knocking your confidence to try and get what she wants, but this may lead to further problems. You sound really happy about being a virgin and not being ready and therefore it might be beneficial to think about how loosing your virginity may affect you both physically and mentally. Nobody should tell you what to do in this situation, as it is entirely up to you, however I think you should really think about whether you are happy or whether you are in the relationship for convenience or to avoid confrontation.

    Good luck and hope this helped :d

  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 5,596 Part of The Furniture
    Hello there.
    Thank you for posting this thread on this issue.
    Whether or not you have sex is your (and only your) decision. Unless you give full consent to sex, then noone should be having sex with you. You've explained to her that you're not ready, anyone who wasn't just in it for the sex would totally understand that. If you're not comfortable in this relationship, then don't be afraid to end it. Honestly, if she has a problem and is trying to force you into sexual activity, then she's probably not a great person to be dating. Of course, if you're happy, then this is not essential.
    I was wondering if you could let a trusted person you know know about this? Maybe your parents, a friend, sibling, etc. Or, if you would rather talk this through online, then you can chat to a relationship counsellor 1 on 1 at relate.org. The only free service is webchat, although you can email, call, and video call for a set price. The Mix does not offer this kind of 1 on 1 service, however live chats between a small group of people take place every Monday, Tuesday (with a men's chat alternate tuesdays), Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays between 8-9.30pm. The support chat and monthly support circle may help you talk through the relationship in a supportive, non-judgemental environment. You could also try the male only chat to talk this through with other males.
    Just remember however, that if she's forcing you into sex and you're saying no, that you can report that.
    Hope this helps.
    Elle.
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can't really tell anyone about all this. My parents are, to put it simply, not giving a shit what happens to me. And my friends just so happen to be supporting her. Makes me feel just awful. I'll have a look at that relate.org and see if that will help me in any way. I don't really want to report anything, I hate conflict and I hate higher up people getting involved. I guess I'm so laid back I won't just fight.
  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    Hey Joel,

    Just thought I'd pop in here to let you you know that The Mix does offer 1 to 1 web chat which is open from 11am to 11pm every day which you can access here just in case that's something you'f like to do too. :)
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 5,596 Part of The Furniture
    Hi Steph, I didn't know about this before now? Is it because of the merge with Getconnected?
    Hi again Joel.
    I can totally understand not wanting to report anything. You could always try the The Mix 1 on 1 support that Steph has linked you to.
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey @Elleloveschocolate - yeah it is since we merged with Get Connected that we have this 1-2-1 service now too :)

    Also, young men's chat is on tonight Joel, you might like to come along and chat anonymously with some other guys for advice, it starts at 8pm: http://www.thesite.org/chat/live-chat

    Of course, you can keeping chatting to us here too :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    @Jo7 - I've tried using the live chat before but it doesn't seem to work on my phone sadly...
  • MikeMike 🖥️🎧 LandaanPosts: 3,143 Community Manager
    Joel wrote: »
    @Jo7 - I've tried using the live chat before but it doesn't seem to work on my phone sadly...

    You're welcome to head over to our help Problems & Suggestions area with more information and/or a screenshot of what's coming up, if you like? :chin:
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
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