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ShatteredSecrets
Posts: 186 Helping Hand
Hi guys...
So I have hit a rather scary point in my life and my recovery... where recovery no longer feels like an option. I have weaned myself off my anti depressants because I dont feel like they are working and I am sick of being on so many pills a day. I had a counselling session yesterday and it has reminded me that I can't be honest until it is over. That breaks me. Knowing that I am so very misunderstood and nobody will be able to give me the support I so desperately seek. They think it would help but it doesn't. I just feel so alone with all of this. Obviously I am not really looking for advice because I have just given up on the idea that I can be helped. But that's okay. This is my life and I just have to deal with that.
Sorry for moaning.
So I have hit a rather scary point in my life and my recovery... where recovery no longer feels like an option. I have weaned myself off my anti depressants because I dont feel like they are working and I am sick of being on so many pills a day. I had a counselling session yesterday and it has reminded me that I can't be honest until it is over. That breaks me. Knowing that I am so very misunderstood and nobody will be able to give me the support I so desperately seek. They think it would help but it doesn't. I just feel so alone with all of this. Obviously I am not really looking for advice because I have just given up on the idea that I can be helped. But that's okay. This is my life and I just have to deal with that.
Sorry for moaning.
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
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Your not moaning. I wish I could say something to help but I just wanted to send you some virtual *hug*s
Keep posting, we are here for you
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
Hitting a wall when going through various types of support and treatment can be hugely demotivating and I doubt many people would blame you for wanting to give up with the notion altogether, but this sort of obstacle is (much like a lot of things) a part of that wider journey towards recovery.
Feeling unable to be honest could, in some ways, be seen as a barrier to support but it's also something that the support itself can help you break down; opening yourself up in this sort of way isn't a small matter and professionals will come across it a lot. It's a valid thing to need support on in its own right, as well as the root of why you're struggling. What do you think are the reasons you feel like you can't be honest?
Can I ask, too - in a perfect world with no barriers to it, what kind of support would be ideal for you?
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
Good to see you posting here about how you're feeling :yes: I'm sorry to hear you're feeling misunderstood, and not feeling able to be honest with your counsellor. What are the consequences that you are worrying about?
You mention wanting to have someone to speak to who won't judge you or try to solve anything - just someone who you can confide in and just to listen - is there someone in your life who you might feel able to speak to about what's going through your mind at the moment?
You can always use this space as an outlet too *hug*
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
Sorry to hear that there's not anyone that you feel able to speak to. it's really good you that you've been posting how you've been feeling on the boards though. How do you feel after sharing how you're feeling in the boards?
Also sorry to hear that your counsellor is leaving. That sounds hard to deal with. Have you thought about what will happen when she leaves?
It sounds tough that as you say everyone is giving up on you and that you're giving up on yourself. You've done so well to let us know how you're feeling, it's really good that you're speaking to us about it. What makes you say that you're just not worth it?
I'm not worth it because things always seem to go wrong for me. I seem to finally be getting somewhere it terms of help and support and then it all blows up in my face. It makes me think that this is the universe telling me that this has happened for a reason and that I don't deserve any help and this is why. That I deserve everything that has happened to me and I am just being very very pathetic. Like with my counsellor it was like suddenly someone was not only listening to me but she was actually hearing me which I never experienced before. IDK I just feel.... I don't know. :no::no::no:
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
The knowledge and awareness of the fact that you'll need the support once you hit uni again in September is a good one - having that sort of foresight can really help, particularly if you're looking in to support options.
Lastly, the fact that you're seeking support at all (as well as your brilliant presence on this community) certainly goes against any possible notion I could have of you being pathetic. The difference in someone listening and someone hearing what you're saying is a huge one and it's not surprising that it felt like such a big thing, especially if it was new to you. No one deserves the bad things that happen to them, even when the world seems to constantly be going against them. You're doing brilliantly. *hug*